SUZI'S FREEDOM

A Tale of Two Suzis

2011-12-26T16:04:00.004-06:00

As you may have guessed, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Many of you know that I had my left hip replaced last January. The surgery was a success and the surgeon was very pleased with the way my bone was growing around the implant. He made this diagnosis during my 6 month checkup visit last June. They take X-rays at 6 weeks, 3 months, and a final one at 6 months...assuming everything healed well. I knew that my right hip was failing too, just not quite as quickly as my left one did. During that 6 month visit, I asked the doctor if he would X-ray the other hip and see what he thought. The X-ray revealed that there was no cartilage in the joint and the hip "ball" was already being malformed from the bone-to-bone contact. He also pointed out bone spurs that are notorious for causing pain in joints. My main reason for pursuing information about the other hip was because I had paid all of my out-of-pocket insurance expenses and the second operation, theoretically, would be fully covered. One caveat was that I had to get it done before the end of 2011. I explained this to my surgeon and he suggested that if I wanted to wait a while longer, that we could X-ray it again in early October. He is a very busy doctor and you have to make surgery appointments several weeks in advance. October finally came, the X-rays showed the same old worn out joint, so we set November 17th as my surgery date.

I don't know how many of you have had major surgery twice in the same year, but I assure you, that is NOT the best of times...lol. Even though they have you up and walking within a few hours of your surgery, it takes months to recover the full use and flexibility of that joint. The muscles and nerves from the hip to your feet are stretched dramatically when the joint is pulled apart. Thank God there are people that love to do that kind of work. I pretty sure I would be in a wheelchair before I retired, if I could not have had the surgeries.

Anyway, Nov. 17th finally rolled around. Since I just recovered from the first surgery, I pretty well knew what to expect. I was calm about the process but was definitely not looking forward to another 6 months of healing and recovery. I was not looking forward to going back to work. I was not looking forward to the pain and swelling ANY of the time. I hate pain...don't you? No matter how much I was not looking forward to the operation, the time had come. As a side note, I'm amazed at how advanced they have grown in the anesthesia field. In the operating room, they sat me up on the side of my bed, made me lean forward, then gave me a shot in the spinal nerve...morphine I think. In 5 seconds I was out. I began recovering as they were rolling me to the recovery room. I think they were a little surprised. I experienced no nausea, no grogginess, and no real pain. In an hour or so, they decided I was ready to be taken to my room. Now let me tell you, this doctor really takes care of his patients. I had a nice private room on the 9th floor, with a spectacular view of the Dallas downtown skyline. Just like last time, within a few hours a physical therapist showed up and made me get up and go for a walk down the hall. I guess the morphine was still working because I felt so well I didn't even use a walker. As we passed the nurses station they all looked on with amazement saying "well, look at you...showoff."

That night my wife stayed in the room with me and we tried to get some sleep. You see...I had to be at the hospital at 5am for pre-op. Since I live 115 miles from the hospital we set the alarm for 2am. I had been awake for 20 hours (minus time in the O.R.). It was time to get some sleep! That turned out to be a pipe-dream. You see, hospital maintenance seemed to think the middle of the night was a good time to strip, wax, and buff the floors in the hall just outside my room. Complaining did no good so we watched TV or tried to sleep anyway. They finally quit working around midnight, but that was not necessarily the harbinger of sweet dreams. If you've spent time in a hospital, you know that they are constantly waking you up to do a long laundry list of things like take your blood pressure, give you meds, draw blood, poke and prod...anything but let you sleep. I guess they got tired of stabbing me, etc, about 3 am, and we finally got a little sleep.

The next day, I was checked out in every way imaginable, given an "OK", and discharged to go home. Needless to say, I kept a close watch on my wife's eyes to make sure she didn't fall asleep on the two hour trip home. Also needless to say, we hit the hay when we got home. Now the fun of recovery could begin.

I probably should have reversed the order of my introduction so it read, "it was the WORST of times, it was the best of times." The surgery was over, I was home with plenty of hydro-codone/acetaminophen and aspirin. My Lazy Boy chair groaned with anticipation about how much time I would be spending in it over the coming weeks.

With both surgeries, the first week after surgery proved to be the most painful. After about a week, I began to notice a gradual improvement every day. The surgery was done on a Thursday. By Monday or Tuesday of the next week, I was going bonkers sitting around the house, so I decided I needed to make the best of a bad situation.

Suzi Time!!! :) Now begins the best of times...sort of. I knew I would not be ready to go back to work for about 3 weeks. At the same time I knew I needed to keep moving, work the muscles and nerves by walking as much as I could endure. Now, every day was something to look forward to. So many decisions to make...what outfit to wear, where to go, what to do, what to shop for...wonderful decisions.

Every morning I would shower, shave, dress, makeup, hair, and nails. I would hop in the car and head to town without a care in the world (I wish). Most of the time I would alternate going to Tyler and Longview. They basically have the same stores and I didn't want to wear out my welcome in either city...lol.

For the first couple of weeks, my leg was still very weak and lacked any endurance. I would walk into a store, do a little shopping, and I could feel the leg beginning to scream at me to get back in the car and rest, or at least sit down someplace if I was in the mall. Remember how your legs felt the last time you ran a marathon? Yeah, that's exactly how that right leg felt after about 5 minutes of shopping. Sometimes I could extend the experience a little if I would place all of my weight on my left leg while I was rifling through clothes on a rack.

Overall, the opportunity to be Suzi nearly every day for several weeks was a lifelong dream come true. Have you ever taken one of those transgender tests that asks you about your reaction to dressing only as a woman for a whole week? I was finally putting this question to the test. I blew it out of the water...I never wanted to dress as a man again.

Well, I guess we're getting back to the worst of times again...sigh. Eventually, I knew I had to get back to work. My wife had been working lots of overtime because she's in retail and the Christmas season was upon us. Her overtime has carried us. My company is not obligated to pay me any sick time but they did. They paid me a full week of sick time and a full week of vacation time. A $500 Christmas bonus has helped too. But that still didn't make me want to go back to work. My leg had not been tested for an 8 hour day. I had planned on working only half a day for the first several days after my return. Nope. They put us all under the gun to get a job finished and we only had a week or so to get it done. We've been building a church and the company promised the church they would be able to move in a week before Christmas so they could have services on Christmas day. Rush, rush, rush. My first day back I only managed 6.5 hours and I had to go home. My leg was swelled up like the Michelin Man's legs. I could barely bend it. That's really not a good thing because it increases the possibility of blood clots. Well, the next day, and every day I worked after that, I worked the full 8 hours. Oh, if only the best of times would return.

Well, we finished the job in time...aren't you glad? My bosses had been pushing us to get done because they wanted us to dive into another big cabinet building project for a building in Dallas. I was about 15 minutes from being totally finished with everything on our "punchlist" and I got a call from the project manager. He was calling to inform me that when we got finished that afternoon, we were going to be out of work until after the first of the year. Now, I don't know what that means exactly. I mean, all of time comes after the first of the year. That's a pretty vague statement don't you think? They seemed anxious for us to get going on that job but now they were laying us off for at least another 10 days? Hmmmm. My boss can be pretty miserly when he wants to. At other times he's very generous and likes to reinvest in his company. I'm thinking he saw the opportunity to save a little year's end money by sending us home for a few days. You see, we don't get paid for this time off. Nor do we get paid our normal paid holidays...Christmas and New Year's. Oh well...what's girl to do?

Aha! It appears that the best of times have returned, even if only briefly (I hope). For now, it seems I have the rest of this week to dress and feel somewhat normal. My leg is healing nicely and I have a lot more shopping endurance now. Even though I have some mixed emotions about the circumstances surrounding my new opportunities to dress, I feel I need to make the best of the situation.

Spending all this time as Suzi has been such a blessing and sheer joy. I never dreamed I would love it so much until it happened. Going back to work, to say the least was very depressing to me. "Dread" became the word of the day. I simply did not want to go back to work. Only my innate sense of survival has given me the intestinal fortitude to drag myself back into the old work truck, break out the tools and take care of business as best I could. My heart was aching to live full-time as a woman, find a job in the working world...as a woman, arise every morning to live as a woman. Yes, "the best of times" could become the "worst of times" if I'm not careful how I handle the situation. I know what my wife is thinking..."maybe this will help him get Suzi time out of his system." I don't dare tell her how wrong she is.

How do you keep on keeping on? Calie is the most wonderful example I've ever seen. I still have no intention of beginning a transition. I've made that decision...final answer...no. My recent extended Suzi time has been such a wonderful experience. I'm totally convinced my happiness and joy at being Suzi has sped up my recovery time.

Well, today I dressed and headed to IHOP in Tyler. The weather was cold and rainy...even a duck would not have liked it. I was greeted by the hostess who took my name and told me the wait would be about 15 minutes. We were packed in the entry and tiny waiting room like sardines. There I was, rubbing elbows with my fellow human beings...men, women, and children, and enjoying every second. I did not mind the wait at all. I had the chance to interact with, and apparently be accepted by the people around me. Eventually I was seated and a wonderful young lady named Chelsea served me. She was so pretty, feminine, and sweet...everything I dream of being and know I will never achieve. My meal was $11.99...I left her a $5 tip, just because. I went to check out and I heard the lady behind the register mention to a customer that Chelsea was her daughter. When it became my turn to pay, I asked her if Chelsea was her daughter and she said yes. I told her Chelsea was so sweet and did such a good job. I told her I left Chelsea a little note thanking her for her great service. Her mom suddenly looked so proud. I just don't know if my drab self would have done any of those things...the note, the big tip, the chat with Mom. I left feeling pretty good. Of course I was already feeling good. I hope I can carry that feeling through the rest of my life no matter how I have to present myself...no matter what kind of work I have to do, no matter what kind of clothes I have to wear.

I will continue to dream of the "best of times." I hope everyone who reads this will agree to continue that dream too. This life is short. I will continue to pray for help in the "worst of times." I will also continue to thank God when I'm able to experience the "best of times."

Thank God I'm out of hips to replace! :)

SCROOGE SUZI

2011-12-06T17:46:00.004-06:00

I didn't need the following explanation...which sounds like something Sheldon, on "Big Bang Theory" would come up with...to learn the truth about Santa. All I had to do was dig around in the storage room where I found a football with "From, Santa" on it. I thought this was cute anyway.

SOME FACTS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total--leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

HOW TO START A FIGHT

2011-10-14T18:56:00.001-05:00

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...

______________________________

The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Dangeorus Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humourless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

Oh well...just thought you might need a good chuckle today :)

Remembering Melissa

2011-09-24T22:10:00.002-05:00

I was so saddened when Melissa told us of her cancer discovery. "Cancer" is one word we all fear, whether it be in reference to ourselves or someone we know or love. Now, Melissa's passing has left a huge void in so many of our lives. Melissa is one of the few people that could blog about flies in her house and make it interesting. Sometimes she reminded me of Erma Bombeck or Bruce Cameron. One day she would fret over the heat and humidity, and the next day she would blog about the beauty of her surroundings. So many blogs were punctuated with inspiring or just plain good music videos.

Melissa and I disagreed on just about everything political, but we were never disagreeable with each other. She had an amazing ability to look past those disagreements and right into the heart of the matter. I probably got more blog comments from her than anyone. It was her way of letting us all know that she cared about us. She also knew we cared about her.

I know God accepts Melissa just as she is. God always looks to the heart...to the motivation with which we express our life. In Matthew 23 Christ was asked what was the greatest commandment. To paraphrase, he said the first is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul. The second is like the first...love your neighbor as yourself. In the deepest regions of my heart I believe Melissa has fulfilled the second great commandment. Her love for all of us was obvious. I also believe that God will find a way to joyfully bring her to see the same love he has shown ALL of mankind by giving his only Son as a sacrifice for our sins so we can have eternal life. In the end, I think Melissa and I will agree on that one :)

We love you Melissa...thanks for the imprint you have left on our community. In death, your life will be remembered always. As usual....Hug, Suzi

Shooo Doggies Granny!

2011-08-14T08:42:00.004-05:00

...to quote Jeb Clampett on the Beverly Hillbillies.

How hot and dry is it? The other day I saw a tree chasing a dog. There have been reports of birds using pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. What?...you don't believe me?

The image above is of a Texas rain gauge.

They say records are meant to be broken. Sometimes that makes us happy, sometimes not. This summer has been the hottest I've experienced...EVER. It's one for the record books here in East Texas. The bad news is that August is usually our hottest month...that just doesn't seem possible. We SHATTERED our old record of CONSECUTIVE days of 100 degrees or more. The previous record was somewhere in the 20's. I am overjoyed to announce that the new record has finally come to an end...46 DAYS! You may have heard news about Dallas having so many 100+ days, but it has been much worse 100 miles to their east. I forget how many new single day records we have set. We tied the all-time record for our area...111 degrees. I have a thermometer outside that always seems to match the official temps in Tyler. So many days I would come home from work about 4pm and it would be between 105 and 110 degrees.

It's not enough that we had a streak of 46 straight days over 100...there were quite a few days earlier in the summer that ALSO reached that mark. If we had not had a cool front and cloud cover yesterday (Saturday, Aug 13) we would be looking at another week of 100+ days to add to the record. I just hope we're not starting ANOTHER streak.

Compounding the heat streak is record drought. I planted a garden in April and if you had to buy the produce we reaped in a grocery store, that would cost you less than the price of the seeds and water needed to grow them. Maybe next year. In July we received less than 1/2" of rain instead of the usual 3". The same was true for March, April, May, June, and now August. August is our driest month and it usually averages about 2". May usually averages close to 5". We're about 15" below normal for the year. East Texas is normally a rainy section of Texas, usually averaging between 40-50" a year.

These conditions are extremely stressful. It affects peoples' attitudes and health. I suppose you could compare it cabin fever up north when everyone is forced indoors during bitter cold and blizzards. Down here it's still cabin fever except we are all huddled around the A/C vents hoping to stay cool. In the cabinet shop where I work, we are exposed to outdoor air and we use fans to keep us from burning up...no A/C though. By mid afternoon that 105 degree blast coming from the fan is only good when compared to having to work out in the sun.

It has been so hot that many of the trees have gone into survival mode and have begun shedding leaves. It looks like Fall in my yard. It's covered with leaves! Leaves are blowing in the streets. Everything seems so incongruous...boiling hot temps while the leaves fall. Hay farmers and ranchers are hurting badly. Many are having to sell their stock because there is simply not enough grazing grass to support them. We normally mow our lawn once a week. This year we have mowed it twice and that was back in May and June. Lake levels all over the state are dropping. In West Texas, I heard of one area that is being forced to purify sewage waste water because ground water is gone. Texas has 254 counties. Brewster county is about 5 times the size of Rhode Island, and dry as a bone. Out of the 254 counties, only 4 or 5 in deep southeast Texas...close to the coast...do not have burn bans in effect.

Yesterday seemed like a warm spring day as I shopped and otherwise spent my day as Suzi. Oh...the temp was only 97. We have a chance of rain today and tomorrow, then it goes back to high pressure, hot and dry until God knows when. Good news!...I fully expect it to cool off by mid-November :)

Important Health Information!

2011-06-10T17:03:00.000-05:00

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?

So much for conventional wisdom, huh?

SOME THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW

2011-06-04T06:52:00.000-05:00

SOME THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave..

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest got to the point that he trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday."

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares..

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."

Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl
(for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."

And now you know !!

Suzi Goes Fulltime

2011-01-16T12:41:00.004-06:00

Most, if not all of you reading this, have at one time or another taken some test to help you figure out how you fit into the "trans" society. Are you a crossdresser? Are you transsexual? Exactly where do you fit in? Almost without exception, every one of those tests I've taken or even read through will have a question that asks how you would react to spending a whole week dressing only as a woman...no male clothing at all. If you were anything like me, your reaction was something like, "are you kidding?...of course I could, and a lot longer."

As most of you know, I recently had a hip replacement and I'm on the mend right now. It has been two weeks since the surgery. The first week everything seemed to hurt worse every day. The muscles began to realize they had been invaded, stretched beyond normal limits, and mistreated in who knows how many ways. My entire upper left leg was a giant bruise and very sore indeed. I wasn't sure how long it would be before I was able to return to work. After about 3 days of sitting around the house, I decided I was wasting a lot of "Suzi time." I could walk ok...it was just very difficult to lift my leg into and out of the car. The first time I tried, I gave up...it was just too difficult and painful. Bummer! My surgery was on a Monday and this was Thursday. I just could not understand why I wasn't able to dress and get out on the town...lol. The pain soon made it obvious that I was just going to have to be patient...grrr.

Finally, the next Monday...one week after my surgery...I decided I was going to be Suzi come hell or high water. So I went through my routine. First I applied my blood red acrylic fingernails. Then the makeup and clothing. Free at last, free at last...thank God Almighty, free at last. It was still difficult getting in and out of the car on Monday, but I felt like the reward was worth the pain. I spent the day shopping, going to a movie, and eating out someplace (I forget where). When I returned home that evening I felt so much better...if you know what I mean, and I think you do. It's one of those things all non-transitioning ladies understand. We enjoy every second we are able to dress, be out in public, and simply enjoy being ourselves. Normally, after a day out, I have to remove the femme facade and return to drab mode for a couple of weeks.

Not this past week though :) I stayed dressed till late in the evening...even after my wife returned home from working late. I left my nails on, cleaned off my makeup, donned my nightgown and looked forward to the next day when I could do it all again.

Little did I know that Tuesday was to be a special day for me. My wife had to go to work earlier than usual so I decided to dress early and go eat breakfast at IHOP in Tyler. Now, there's nothing special about that in and of itself, but this was not to be just another meal. I was greeted by a hostess that could not have been 4'10" tall. I must have looked like the Jolly Green Giant to her...at least that's the way I felt...lol. I probably weighed three times as much as she did. The top of her head would barely reach my boobs. Anyway, she asked me my name and I told her Suzanne. When a spot opened up on the bench, she said, "would you like to sit down, Suzanne?" Indeed I would...my leg was kinda aching and a seat would be nice. As I sat there waiting for my table, I began to notice some kind of commotion in the restaurant. It just seemed out of sorts from normal activity. People were bustling more...there seemed to be a group of people standing in one area between the aisles...wait staff seemed excited. Eventually I found out there was a celebrity in the restaurant. I don't know how many of you are familiar with this celebrity. He was a great running back for the Houston Oilers about 35 years ago...or whenever it was...the great Earl Campbell. Tyler is his home town and he's still in the area. I think he's about my age now...60...but I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, people were asking for autographs and pictures with him. He was very nice and seemed to enjoy signing tickets or whatever. Eventually, the crowd thinned a bit and "Suzanne, party of one" was called outloud. I followed the hostess to a table almost directly across from Mr. Campbell. I made it a point to sit on the far side of my table so I could see him face to face, and watch any further proceedings. The furor had mostly faded by then and I placed my order...a mushroom and spinach omelet.

As I sat sipping my coffee, leaving lipstick marks on the cup (a very enjoyable experience in and of itself), I looked up and suddenly Mr. Campbell looked directly at me and kinda shifted his weight around in his booth, raised his arm, and pointed his finger directly at me. Then he opened his palm to me as if to wave "hi." Now, in the not too distant past, I would have taken this gesture to mean that I had been "read." However, my confidence level was at such a high point that I interpreted his gesture as a sign of recognition. In other words, it was a sign that he recognized me from the past and was letting me know that he DID recognize me...even though, of course, we had NEVER met...lol. I smiled back and gave him a little wave of recognition and went back to my breakfast. He returned to his conversation with the man sitting across from him that (according to my eavesdropping), was some kind of promoter who was trying to get Earl to help him with whatever the project was.

Eventually I finished my giant omelet, left a big tip to the sweet waitress, grabbed my purse, and rose to leave. As I stood up, big Earl motioned for me to come over to his table. Not knowing what to expect, I did. He looked up at me and said, "Don't I know you?" I put my right hand on his still gigantic shoulder and with a soft, feminine pat I said, "no, I don't think so...but I know who YOU are." He asked me what my name was and I said Suzanne. He asked me where I worked and I said I was just a housewife...lol. Then he asked me what my husband's name was...I gave him my first name...G___. He thought about that for a few seconds and while he was thinking I related this, "One thing I remember about you was the time a sports correspondent was giving Bum Phillips (then head coach of the Oilers) a hard time about how slow Earl was to get up off the turf after being tackled. Without hesitation Coach Phillips said, in his great Texas drawl, "Yeah, but he goes DOWN slow too." Everyone got a good chuckle out of that. Now it was coming back to Earl...he was mistaking me with someone he did business with years ago when he had his own sausage line that was used by Shipley Donuts...I assume for pigs-in-a-blanket...lol. After a couple of more moments of conversation in which he related a brief history of his business with Shipley, he finally apologized for keeping me. Then he asked me what I was going to do today. I told him I was out shopping. His parting words were words of encouragement for me to be sure and spend a lot on my husband's credit card. I assured him I would and left. I must say...half the restaurant watched the whole incident in great jealousy...wishing they had the guts or opportunity to talk to the great running back.

Instead, it happened to me. Why was this special? Well, as I've progressed in my presentation to the world, one of the things that has become more and more obvious is the need I feel to not only pass as a woman in looks, but to pass as a woman when involved in interaction with the public face to face...actually using my femme voice, personality, and heart. This encounter was very special to me for this reason alone. I was totally accepted by Mr. Campbell, the other parties at his table, and seemingly by everyone else in the restaurant. I almost felt like I was on stage...lol. I'm not afraid of public speaking. Indeed I had a lot of training back in my college days. This was totally different because it was done by a special part of me that had to remain hidden for way too long. I will cherish this event forever.

Again I returned home and remained dressed until bedtime. I kept my nails on another day and looked forward to dressing again on Wednesday.

Wednesday was also destined to be a special day in my TG life. I was still on sort of a high from my encounter the day before, and I was feeling chipper as I headed into Dillard's to look for a sweater to go with a jacket I had recently bought. When you first enter the store there is a Spanx display right in the middle of the aisle. They keep a video going all the time...like an infomercial. I stopped by the display area because I was mildly curious if they had some kind of bodyshaper that would fit someone as large as me. I was mostly interested in a waist cincher to squeeze in my roll and give me a little more of an hourglass figure. Now don't get me wrong...if my figure was used for an hour glass, and you flipped it over?...it would take about two seconds for it to empty every grain of sand to the bottom...lol. Ok? I know I'm not going to suddenly look like Marilyn Monroe. But you know...every little bit helps. As I looked, I noticed the saleslady milling around the display, kind of straightening up. Suddenly she said hi to me and commented about how much she hated the freezing cold weather we were having. I told her I kinda liked it. Then she came up to me like her long lost friend and just started talking to beat the band. She related how she used to be a rural mail deliverer and she had to drive around with her window down in this kind of weather. I agreed that that would be a little too much for even me. After several minutes of casual conversation, I eventually asked her about the sizes they had for someone like me. She was very helpful and guided me around the lingerie section, showing me some of the options they had. STILL she kept on talking. I felt like I was talking to someone I had known for a very long time. She was so personal, kind, and easy going. She never gave me even the slightest sign that she thought I was anything other than another lady shopping for a waist cincher. I think we must have chatted for at least 10 minutes before I decided to move on. I think she would have stood there and chatted with me until her boss made her go back to work...lol. ANOTHER wonderful opportunity...not only to walk around passing as a woman, but to spend time pouring out my thoughts, emotions, and simple chatter...to talk one on one with another lady, perhaps a few years older than myself, but one who accepted me as a woman in every sense of the word.

Thursday I had to take my nails off and be drab for a few hours since my wife had the day off and she wanted me to take her to dinner and a movie. I did, and I enjoyed it. However, when we got back home, I put my nails right back on and went back into femme mode...lol. Friday and Saturday were spent entirely as Suzi, who enjoyed every minute of it, and longed for more. I almost made it a whole week as Suzi. I would have, as easily as falling off a log, if things had worked out that way. As it went, this is the longest stretch I've been blessed to spend as Suzi. I very much look forward to doing this again.

As for those of you who are already full time...I can't help but envy you. As for those others...some who have never spent a whole day dressed, much less a week...I hope that someday you too will develop the confidence to enter the world as the woman you feel inside. As you spend more and more time out in public, your confidence will grow. Dressing, in and of itself, will no longer be enough. Your confidence will begin to desire a new, higher level of interaction. You full timers will eventually, through osmosis, enter the world every day with a new feeling of assurance...a sense of belonging...a sense of finally reaching that sweet spot in your life. Those of us who will never reach that point salute you :) In the mean time, we will all do our best to be the best we can be under whatever circumstances we find ourselves. I, for one, am glad to have had the opportunity, in some small way, to experience what being full time might be like. There is one small advantage to finally taking my nails off...it only took me about half as long to type this blog...lol.

Suzi's Implant Surgery

2011-01-09T13:30:00.012-06:00

It's been awhile since I blogged about anything serious. A gentle snow is falling outside as I sit at my computer, contemplating the events of the past week. I've been in a lot of pain for about the last year. It often reached the point of depression. About October of this year I decided it was time to get serious and begin to transform myself into a more productive, happy individual. I brought this up with my primary care physician and of course he was not able to give me what I really needed to begin making the necessary changes. He pointed me to several specialists and I began seeing them in hopes of rectifying the problem I've been burdened with. I talked to a surgeon in the local area and he was very supportive of my needs. He was ready to do the surgery whenever I was ready. Well, I figured I ought to at least consult with my wife first...wouldn't you think? She was totally supportive and was ready to help me however she could. I found an individual locally, that had already had the surgery and I asked about their experience and recommendations. I learned a lot. In fact, I was convinced that this person's doctor was the one I wanted to use...even if I had to travel back and forth to Dallas.

As you all know, you don't just jump into this kind of surgery without lots of preparation. After consulting with the doctors, they told me the first thing I needed was an implant on my left side. Well, they don't just give those away, so I decided to do just the left one first. I know, I know...I'll probably walk lopsided for some time, but that's ok...it's GOT to be done. I'm not known to procrastinate about things that have to be done...I'd rather just get it done and get it out of the way...lopsided walk or not.

So, one week ago...January 3rd...my wife and I headed to Dallas to get my implant. The picture I'm including in this blog is the first picture of me after my implant surgery. It's how I look as I sit typing this blog right now.

My surgery was scheduled for noon on Monday and everything went well. In a couple of hours I was in recovery, wearing off the anesthetic. After about two hours in recovery I was moved to my palatial private room. I measured the room by counting the ceiling tiles...30feet X 14feet...nice huh? There were enough chairs for about a dozen people to visit. Besides doctors, nurses, and my wife, my only visitor was my best friend Lindsay. The room had windows down one side plus a window that turned the corner of the building. All of them overlooked the downtown Dallas skyline. It was really cool at night.

My doctor sent orders for me to get out of bed and walk around the halls a little. They brought me a walker and I bravely walked out in the hall and slowly began to work my way around the "route" they had laid out. It only took me a few steps to realize I did not need the walker so I handed it to the nurse and began walking through the halls of the ward with no aid of any kind. All of the nurses and record keepers sitting in the open office area watched in amazement as I walked around. Their eyes got so big! I don't know why though...it didn't seem all that hard to walk around even though there was a lot of bruising pain around the incision. The implant felt perfectly natural in every way...I LOVE IT!

I was told that I could go home after spending the night for observation. They like to make sure you don't have problems with blood clots, infections, etc. Everything went well and I left the hospital with my new implant on Tuesday morning, about 11am.

I have spent the whole week at home recovering. They left a drain hole near the incision and I was told to keep changing the bandage until it quit oozing. That finally happened yesterday. I finally felt good enough to get out of the house today...dressed as Suzi of course. I was hoping to get in some shopping or a movie, but I noticed that my front car tires seemed low on air. Not wanting to take a chance on getting stranded in the snow and sleet, I decided I should just go back to the house and hope for better weather tomorrow.

So, here I sit, still recovering from my recent surgery, but very happy with the results. In a few days I will be going back to work, carrying my new implant with pride. I hope everyone at work will like my new implant as much as I do. I don't know how long I will have to wait before the right side is taken care of. Actually I hope it's quite awhile...implants are great but they really, really hurt.

Well, there you have it. I hope everyone will go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/9557687@N08/5339789639/ to see an x-ray picture of my new implant. You may have to cut and paste the web address, but be sure and go look :)

Hugs to you all,
Suzi.

BURLESQUE

2010-12-04T21:30:00.003-06:00

The picture above is how I looked when I went out today. I bought the necklace at Penny's and decided to put it on after returning to my car to leave. I've been looking forward to this day all week. Saturday is my day to dress and hit the town (so to speak) since my wife has to work all day and doesn't get home until late in the evening. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what I want to do because it all gets to be old hat. Shopping is always an option and, of course, something I love to do...especially this time of the year when prices seem to drop dramatically.

Another favorite pastime of mine is watching movies. I know, I know...it's no fun to go to the movies by yourself, but my wife is not going to go with Suzi in the local area, and my best friend Lindsay's wife won't let her dress in the local area either...lol. I haven't found any other friends to go with yet, so I go alone. Today was no exception.

As I perused the movie selections in all the local theaters, I wasn't able to find anything I could really get excited about. Most of the time I try to pick a movie that I know my wife does not want to go see. That way we might go see it together when I'm in drab. I wasn't sure if she would want to see Burlesque or not. I had no great desire to see it myself, but I picked it anyway.

There are reasons to love the movie and reasons to hate it. I'm now officially in love with Christina Aguilera. She was so beautiful throughout the movie...inside and out. She displayed great talent, great heart, and great wisdom at times. Cher (Tess) was like the mother Christina never had. Christina (Ali in the movie) lost her mother when she was about 7 yrs old. The wisest, most understanding person in the movie was Tess's closest friend...a gay friend. Tess's club hired dancers to act out old burlesque routines and lipsinc the lyrics. The costumes were beautiful, outrageous, sexy, and entertaining...same goes for the dance routines.

In the end everything works out for the best. Tess's club is saved from bankruptcy, Ali ends up with the right man. Yep, everybody will certainly live happily ever after. How could I NOT like the movie?

Well, like I said, there were reasons to hate it...lol. Maybe not literally, but it did make me feel ill at ease at times. I sat in my seat, surrounded by about 50 women and maybe...MAYBE, 2 guys (not counting me). I'm sure there would have been a lot more women if I had gone to a later showing. Normally I go to the matinees to save a couple of dollars and avoid the maddening crowds. Anyway...all of us women watched the movie and almost certainly enjoyed it. I expected everyone to clap but they didn't. I really can't help but wonder though, if most, or all of us left with some feeling of inadequacy. I KNOW I did. Here I sat...passing as just another woman in the theater. ME...physically a guy...watching the utter and total femininity of those actresses as they danced with perfect bodies, outlandish costumes and makeup. How could an ordinary woman not feel a bit inadequate...much less a TG male. Yeah...it was a bit discouraging to realize and admit to myself that approaching their beauty and talent was not possible for me. Heck, If I didn't have an ounce of fat on me, my bones would weigh more than any of them...lol. As Yoda might say, "Discouraging to be TG...it is."

How do we cope with the realization that our grandest physical dream will never come true? Even under full transition and jillions of dollars of surgery, we could never attain the level of femininity I watched in that movie. Yeah...a TG lady could really get down if she wanted to...left only to ponder all that can never be.

ON THE OTHER HAND...as I stewed over the frustration of knowing I will never be a burlesque dancer with a beautiful female body, beautiful hair, sweet voice...I also began to realize that I was beating myself up for no reason. "Look Dummy!...this is just a movie. As we filed out of the theater after the movie, I looked at the rest of the women. Several looked to be about 80 years old. They had to carefully negotiate the descent down the steps to the lower level. Other ladies were very plain looking. The one who sat next to me was a real loudmouth. There were also a few very nice looking YOUNG ladies there...lol. Notice the emphasis on young. It dawned on me that 99.999% of the women in the world would never be able to perform like the ladies I just watched. Ok, now I was feeling better.

Just to make sure I was feeling better, I decided to go out for dinner at Cheddar's. I walked in, asked for a table for one, gave her my name...Suzanne...accepted the buzzer, and waited. I actually had fun waiting the 10 minutes before my turn came to be seated. If you look at the picture above, you'll notice that the top is cut pretty deep. As I stood in the crowded lobby, I crossed my arms in such a manner as to squeeze my breasts together and create a pretty nice cleavage...lol. I noticed one old codger as he slowly made his way to the exit door. He could NOT take his eyes off my cleavage. I thought I was going to have to dig his nose out of my bra before he left.

My waiter was a young man named ______. I can never remember their names. But he was very nice, and always called me ma'am. I ate my dinner, left him a generous tip, and left feeling full and happy...otherwise known as fat and sassy. As I type this, I'm still dressed as shown above. I wish I didn't have to take it off.

NO NO

2010-11-13T08:25:00.002-06:00

I was watching an infomercial this morning about the hair removal product called NO NO. It claims to be painless and dramatically reduce hair regrowth with use. It seems to cook the hair, then you buff it off the surface with a piece of 40 grit sandpaper...lol...j/k about the 40 grit...probably more like 600 grit.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone is using, has used, or can give me any information about the product not included in the infomercial. I'd love to stop plucking. I looked up a price and it was $270 at the one site I visited. I am naturally blonde but the ad claims it makes no difference what the hair color is. Being naturally blonde, my "shadow" is very faint even after several days growth. Any comments would be appreciated. I'm not transitioning, and I can't afford Laser or Electrolysis. I'm mostly interested in clearing my face so I don't really want to use an epilator. Thanks.

SECRETARIAT

2010-10-17T11:41:00.005-05:00

Remember the old commercials, delivered in a Sadsack voice that went something like this? "So you say your mother-in-law is coming to live with you?...your dog bit you for no reason, and your boss says don't quit your day job?" They were really creative and often rang true. The vicissitudes of life can be overwhelming at times. This can be especially true when you are trying to juggle TWO lives...one which became a cover for the other. Being trans involves a whole set of problems and variations that the average person will never have to face.

A confusing life is often the result. Depression has a paralyzing effect on our minds...what should I do?...how do I do it?...I don't think it can be done...I don't want to hurt anyone...I want to be true to myself, but I don't think I can, or should. Life becomes a Gordian Knot. No matter what we do, we cannot seem to reach the prize we covet...to be a woman, in every respect of the word.

Yesterday, my wife and I went to see Secretariat at the movies. I'm not that big on true stories, I usually find them boring because there is actual history to back them up, so why go watch it on TV or the movies? I will have to make an exception in the case of this movie. It was not an action packed film outside of the race scenes that featured flying mud and pounding hooves, along with dramatic finishes.

AHA!...the dramatic finishes. You see, a great deal of the movie was filled with the problems facing Penny Chenery...a mere "housewife." Her father's fading mind could no longer make decisions regarding the farm and horses. Penny battled through every problem, just to keep the farm alive. She never took the easy road, which would have been to take the 8 million dollars offered for Secretariat...enough to pay her debts but not much more. She refused to give in because she always seemed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No obstacle would take her eye off the goal she knew was reachable...somehow.

How many times do you sit through a movie and at the end, everyone cheers and claps in appreciation? Such was the case yesterday. I felt tears welling in my eyes as Secretariat reached down inside himself and found strength no horse in history has even come close to matching since. He was not expected to win at Belmont because it was a longer race and there were other horses with more endurance. In previous races, Secretariat would always take his place at the back of the pack and win with an awe inspiring "kick" at the end. His jockey, Ronnie, would always be covered with mud from head to toe. Just before Belmont, Secretariat had been slowed by an abscess in his mouth. He would not eat and was weak. Just before Belmont he began to eat and the old fire returned. It was almost as if Secretariat knew how important this race was. It was almost as if he knew how much longer it was. It was almost as if he KNEW he would have to reach down further than ever before to win.

If you remember anything about that year...1973...Secretariat won the Derby, the Preakness, AND Belmont...the Triple Crown. Oh yeah...he even won the longer, harder race...the one that would require a heart no one believed he had. At Belmont, Secretariat did not sit back on his haunches until the gate opened. He did not linger at the back of the pack until "kick" time. Nope...he reached down deep in his own love of running. At the bell, he jumped into the early lead. Sham, the favorite rode right beside him. Part of their strategy was to make Secretariat run fast at the beginning of the race so he would fade because of his supposed lack of endurance. Nobody questioned Secretariat's speed...just his endurance. The only problem was, someone forgot to tell Secretariat he could not endure. He ended up pushing Sham to the point of exhaustion as he began to pull away. The final victory was historic...31 lengths...absolutely unbelievable. Such a feat has not even been approached, since. Ronnie, the jockey didn't have a speck of mud on him.

Yes, I left with a renewed sense of hope...not just for me, you see. When I applied the lessons I learned yesterday, I did not suddenly decide to transition...I did not suddenly decide to change occupations and become a billionaire. No, I decided I just needed to become more positive in my outlook. I need to enjoy the years of life God has given me, as much as I can. I need to stop worrying so much about what others think of me and simply share my best loving smile to everyone I meet...and I have a terrible smile...that's why I have so few wrinkles at my age...facial inactivity...lol.

I have always marveled at how closely the lives of trans people parallel each other. We seem to totally understand the wide range of feelings, emotions, and life circumstances that we share. We understand the desperate feeling of needing to be female that sometimes can be overwhelming. We also understand that the choices involved will be made on an individual basis.

I just want to encourage everyone to see the movie Secretariat. I almost guarantee it will inspire you to new heights...it will give you hope for the future and a renewed will to prevail in inner struggles with being trans. I feel very uplifted and positive...I believe you will too.

STRENGTH

2010-10-02T12:18:00.005-05:00

Something to think about...

Notice the pillar of strength and the vulnerability of the lady next to it...yet she remains strong and calm, reassured, at ease with herself, and a pillar in her own right.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

We don’t always have to be strong.
Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.
Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt,cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.
Occasionally, we don’t want to get rid of our pajamas.
Sometimes we cry in front of people.

We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to fall apart when we need to.
We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength.
We are strong.
We have proven that.

Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable
when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know it is okay to allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to “fall apart.”

Author unknown.

STRESS, AND WORDS OF WISDOM

2010-09-22T17:58:00.004-05:00

Pay special attention to the last two "truisms."

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,
Raised a glass of water and asked;
'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
We won't be able to carry on. '

'As with the glass of water,
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
Let them down for a moment if you can.'
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.

* Always wear stuff that will make you look good
If you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
"Recalled" by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
On a detour.

Suzi mellows

2010-09-17T21:09:00.009-05:00

Melissa has posted lots of beautiful music on her blog. I'm not a huge classical fan but the following is something I really learned to love during my college days. Thank you Mrs. Myrick, my music appreciation teacher, for opening my eyes to the wonder of Rachmaninov's Concerto #2 in C minor. She was an accomplished concert pianist herself, and I've heard her play this whole concerto with the San Antonio Symphony Orchestra. My favorite version of this concerto is one recorded by Arthur Rubinstein, who I consider the greatest pianist of all time. The following is the second movement...the adagio. I have used it a million times to put myself to sleep after a hectic day. Be sure to listen to the whole second movement, and try to stay awake. :)Suzi

Make a new friend

2010-08-27T09:19:00.004-05:00

My best friend Lindsay is a transitioning transsexual who is reaching a crossroads in her path. She has recently started blogging on Blogspot and I think she could use some new friends. I would appreciate it if some of you who follow me, would check out her blog and leave comments. We all need encouragement at times in our lives. Lindsay is rapidly approaching that fork in the road that leads to the Interstate of Transition...you know...one of those roads that if you miss the exit, the only way to turn around is sprout wings...lol. Not that she would WANT to turn around, but she will need and appreciate more help from other TS along the way.

We often wonder what we can do to make a difference. Helping others is one of the most important things we can do in life. Sometimes just being there is great. Online, being there can only be felt if we comment and offer whatever encouragement we can. If there is ONE THING a TS needs, it's knowing there are people out there that care for you, accept you, and can offer an understanding, heartfelt interaction.

Lindsay has only recently opened up her blog to public view...show her what that can mean...please and thank you.

Check out Lindsay at: http://thepapillionpages.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-with-doctor-and-therapist.html

Hugs to all,
Suzi

Atlas Shrugged

2010-08-08T07:43:00.001-05:00

I've been wondering about this book for some time now. It will be at the top of my "To read" list soon.

Healthful Tips

2010-08-07T08:32:00.002-05:00

You don't have to be a fanatic to change to more natural cleaning methods. In fact, some of the methods offered below are extremely cheap and effective. Think of how many millions of gallons of exotic chemicals find their way down our rivers and into major water systems like the Gulf, Atlantic, or Pacific. Here are some suggestions from Dr. Mercola. :)Suzi

" Research is beginning to suggest just how powerful a role environmental chemicals like these play in your long-term health.

In 2009, 1.5 million Americans were diagnosed with cancer, and a report from the President’s Cancer Panel suggests that the percentage of these directly caused by environmental factors has been “grossly underestimated.”

This is why my top list of cancer prevention strategies has always included reducing your exposure to environmental toxins like pesticides, household chemical cleaners, and synthetic air fresheners.

Fortunately, this is a relatively easy task to accomplish.

For those times when you need to do a bit of cleansing, one of the best non-toxic disinfectants is simple soap and water. You can use this for washing your hands, your body and for other household cleansing. Another all-purpose cleanser that works great for kitchen counters, cutting boards and bathrooms is 3% hydrogen peroxide and vinegar.

You can also keep your home very fresh and clean by making your own natural cleaning products using items you probably already have around your home. Some more tips for making simple and effective all-natural cleansers:

* Use baking soda mixed with apple cider vinegar to clean drains and bathtubs, or sprinkle baking soda along with a few drops of lavender oil or tea tree oil (which have antibacterial qualities) as a simple scrub for your bathroom or kitchen.
* Vinegar can be used to clean almost anything in your home. Try it mixed with liquid castile soap, essential oils and water to clean floors, windows, bathrooms and kitchens. It can even be used as a natural fabric softener.
* Hydrogen peroxide is safer to use than chlorine bleach for disinfecting and whitening.
* Vodka is a disinfectant that can remove red wine stains, kill wasps and bees and refresh upholstery (put it into a mister and simply spray on the fabric).

For a great video on how to use these ingredients and other tips for cleaning your home without hazardous chemicals, please review the article How to Keep Your Home Clean Naturally.

Finally, if you're still using air fresheners because you like a scented environment, I urge you to switch to safer alternatives like therapeutic essential oils.

Remember, essential oils are NOT the same thing as fragrance oils. Fragrance oils are artificially created and often contain synthetic chemicals -- so make sure the essential oil you use is of the highest quality and 100 percent pure. A few drops placed in a diffuser around your home, or mixed with water and sprayed onto upholstery or fabrics, is a safe and soothing way to scent your home naturally."

How hot is it?

2010-07-15T17:16:00.003-05:00

I thought Melissa might be able to take some cues on how to stay cool, from this guy.

SUMMER IN THE CITY

2010-06-20T15:51:00.003-05:00

I just read one of Melissa's posts where she mentioned how hot and humid it it in her neck of the woods. Sissy!...lol. I just spent all day yesterday (Saturday) in Dallas with my BFF Lindsay. Phew...and it's not even summer until tomorrow. My wife worked this weekend and Lindsay was "home alone" so we gathered our pennies and headed for Dallas to paint the town...with sweat.

I did my best to dress light and airy. Let me assure you...it's hard for a 265 pound person to do that...even in the nude. I settled on my denim capri's, sandals, and a thin cotton top that badly needed a cami underneath, but which I refused to wear. It was thin enough that you could see the pattern of the bra in the front, not to mention the nipple on my breast form. I must say though...I had more men eyeballing me yesterday, than I ever have before...lol.

The day wasn't too uncomfortable most of the time because we spent a lot of time driving around in Lindsay's new used car. She bought a Lincoln Town Car...signature Cartier series, with 52,000 miles on it, for about $6k...HUH?...I couldn't believe it either...but I sure enjoyed riding around in it...made me feel really classy. Our last trip to Dallas was made in my wife's '06 Toyota Corolla...a nice car, but no Town Car.

On arrival to Dallas we promptly got stuck in an accident induced traffic snarl. We inched along for about half an hour before we finally picked up speed.

Lindsay needed to go to the mall in Irving. On the way, we drove past the former sight of Texas Stadium...home of America's team...the Dallas Cowboys...yea, Cowboys. What a sight...nothing but rubble. Now they are forced to play in a new billion dollar stadium in Arlington. Actually, I don't know how much it cost, but it was ridiculously expensive. It has a scoreboard suspended over the field that weighs a million pounds...huh?...yikes.

Anyway, when we arrived at the mall, I discovered the true value of scorching hot summer days in Texas. When I stepped out of the car, I felt the skin on my face draw up from the heat. I think all my wrinkles flattened out instantly....cool.

Lindsay needed to return two items to two different stores. Why?...because she didn't have the sense to take time to try them on first, that's why. One stop was as Ross. As we entered the store, the store "Loss Protection" officer was standing at the entrance...he sure stared at me for a long time. I know it wasn't because he thought I was stealing anything because I was nowhere near any merchandise. I don't know what he was looking at. My hair looked terrible. I guess he was mesmerized by my huge boobs and my thin cotton top...lol. As I shopped, every time I got close enough to him for him to see me, he was eyeballing me...hmmm...does he think I'm trying to steal something? Is he going to demand to take me in the back and strip search me?...I hope so...JUST KIDDING! Anyway, I made it out alive.

After the mall sweatfest I was very thirsty so I suggested that Lindsay find a Sonic drive-in. We looked all over the place and could not find one. Finally, we gave up and slid into a McDonald's drive through to get a softdrink. No sooner had we given our order to the scratchy voice in the little metal box, than we looked up and right next door was a Sonic...sheesh...it was ten minutes until 4 and we could have gotten two drinks for the price of one. Pretty chintzy for a couple of classy dames in a Town Car huh?

Now that my thirst was quenched, we headed for the nail salon for a pedicure. Lindsay has been using this salon for some time and has become good friends with the Korean owners, Kim, Lim, and Lee. When we got there, the salon was pretty crowded and she said she could take us at 5pm. Since that was only about an hour away, we went down the street to Walmart and shopped for clothes and makeup. We entered the shop at 5pm and sat patiently in the waiting area. Just as Kim came up to us to show us to our chairs, a lady entered the salon and told Kim she had been told to come back at 5pm. She was very adamant and demanding. Poor Kim kept looking back and forth between the lady, and Lindsay and me. She couldn't figure out what to do with three customers all needing to be served at the same time. I could see the panic in her eyes so I figured this would be a good time to spread some good vibes about transgendered people. I simply told Kim that we would wait...to go ahead and serve the lady first. You could see a great wave of relief come over Kim's face. She came over to me and asked me if I was sure...she was very concerned that she might lose us as customers forever. I reassured her that it would not be a problem...that we could go eat an early dinner and return shortly. She was SO relieved. She said to me, "please shake my hand." I took her diminutive hand in mine and she just grabbed it and would not let go. She held my hand with both of her hands and very sincerely and profusely thanked me for being so nice and patient. Actually, it was my pleasure. Like Lindsay told me...she (Lindsay) has been to lots of salons but these people do the best job of any of them.

So...we left the salon and went around the corner to Cheddar's. I had an 8oz sirloin with broccoli, and red beans and rice. We had a super friendly waitress. She was very helpful, friendly, and talkative. She took the time to chat with us and make us feel welcome. I feel certain that she knew we were men, but she certainly never let on that she did. She always called us ma'am, and treated us like women...very nice lady.

After dinner, we headed back to the salon and were soon seated. OMG...the Shiatsu chair again! If you read my last blog, you might remember me talking about the ridge that goes up and down, right in your butt crack...lol. It was missing this time. I wondered if they had a special control for it or something. Hmmm...what is that ridge for anyway? Is it some kind of special vagina stretcher or something?...lol. I'll never know I guess because I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone...AND, I don't have a vagina.

Kim worked on Lindsay's feet while Lim worked on mine. Their thoroughness is amazing. Since this is the only salon I've been to, I don't know if all of them go through a similar routine, but I am blown away by the attention to detail that was shown. Cuticles are trimmed, nails are clipped, cleaned, buffed, and filed. Dead skin is removed around the nails. Callouses are softened and scrubbed. Legs, feet, and toes are massaged with lotion. Polish is applied perfectly. I'm so impressed. How much fun can you have for $20?...don't answer that.

As we sat with our toes under the ultraviolet light, Kim came over and gave us both a hug to show her appreciation for our patience and sacrifice. I felt no sense of sacrifice...I had a beautiful set of toes, a great massage, and new friends. By the time we left the salon, it was getting close to 8pm...her normal closing time. I had a very nice day in spite of the oppressive heat. Come on Fall.

GWO 2010...fun in BigD

2010-05-16T13:42:00.004-05:00

It's been 7 long months since Lindsay and I ventured to Dallas for GWO '09. Even though Lindsay is transitioning, she doesn't have all that many opportunities to dress and express herself completely...yet. So...every few months we try to spend a weekend in Dallas with as little guy attire and demeanor as possible. Lindsay has been planning this trip since late in March. Well, it all finally came to fruition on Mother's Day weekend.

I had been working out of town all the week before our trip and it took a lot of planning to make it all come together. Originally, there were going to be three of us, but our third party was unable to go. Since this was a last minute decision, and Lindsay had already made reservations at Hyatt Summerfield Suites for a two bedroom room, it was too late to cancel or change the reservations. Lindsay and I were forced to endure having our own bedroom each. Oh well...what more could a girl want? My own kingsize bed, my own closet, vanity, furniture (including my own TV), and my own restroom...cool. Usually we just reserve a one bedroom with a kingsize bed we share. The suite was really nice...a full kitchen with a short bar...living room furniture, and a third, larger TV. Lindsay done good. She had stayed there before during trips to Dallas for her therapy, etc.

About 5pm Friday afternoon, I picked up Lindsay and we headed to Dallas. We were both still in drab attire. After checking into our room about 7pm, I went into Suzitransformation. Finally! After spending the whole week without so much as a nightie or even my usual painted toes, it felt so good to break out of the cocoon and spread the wings. Lindsay decided not to dress that evening because she says it takes her too long to get ready. It took me about an hour for a stem to stern makeover...it usually takes her at least two hours...lol.

So...one dressed and one drab was the order of the evening as we headed for our usual haunt...Olive Garden. I guess we just appeared as another couple because everyone sure treated us that way. We were asked if we wanted a booth or a table. I suggested booth, so we were seated at a booth. I generally prefer booths because they are a little more private, however the booth we were seated at had just one problem. Or perhaps I should say I had the problem...being too fat that is...lol. I sat down on the bench and slid in with my boobs dragging across the top of the table. It didn't take long to figure out I was not going to be able to eat in this position so Lindsay took charge and asked to be moved to a table...ahhh...room for the girls to breathe without worrying whether they would end up in Chicken Marsala sauce, or become a receptacle for breadstick crumbs and dribble from my chin. Everything went perfectly for dinner. I was treated so nicely by Lindsay AND our waiter. He constantly referred to me as ma'am, and even once called me madam. I THINK that was a good thing. It was getting kinda late by the time we finished our dinner, so we went back to the room. No, we're not party animals, we don't like bars or clubbing. We like to sit on the couch and flip channels, or check email, etc. on the computer.

Being the morning person that I am, I woke up around 5 and started my day. Lindsay wanted to be awakened about 7am because she had an appointment with our hairdresser...the one I mentioned in my last GWO blog. She needed someone to work with the bangs on her HH wig. I did my best to tiptoe around the room while I made one of those miniature 4 cup pots of coffee many motels furnish. I took a shower and did the shaving thing. Now comes the fun part...drinking coffee. Hah...fooled ya. No, actually, the fun part was getting ready for the day. I sipped on my coffee as I put on my makeup. Lindsay slept on. I was ready to go but had to wait a bit before waking her. I'm used to eating breakfast about 6am, so I was kinda hungry. I knew it would be a long time before breakfast though.

Finally the two butterflies emerge from the room, all happy and ready to get out. In mere minutes we arrived at the salon, but before we could even get out of the car Lindsay went "oh no...I forgot the hair sample ring." I guess she had borrowed it from the salon and was supposed to return it. I offered to run back to the room and get it while she had her hair worked on. As I was returning with the hair ring, she called me and asked me if I would mind going back to the room and getting the two pictures she had sitting on her desk. Dingy woman...can't remember anything...lol. So...back I went. When I finally arrived back at the salon, she was all finished and ready to go. I spent a few minutes talking to Karla, the hairdresser, about my wig and she was very helpful. She's such a wonderful, supportive person. When we stepped into the elevator, there was what appeared to be a maintenance worker sharing the ride with us. I didn't notice any "looks" or "reads."

Finally!...breakfast time. The first familiar breakfast restaurant we happen on to was Denny's. I don't know why, but it seemed that everyone in the room had their eyes on us...lol. It's so hard to explain sometimes. One young lady, with what appeared to be her date, KEPT looking at us and smiling. Our waiter could NOT take his eyes off Lindsay whenever he came to our table for anything. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not...lol. At one point it even appeared that the couple was telling one of the kitchen workers about us because he too began looking at us and smiling. Wow, I guess I never realized we looked so good :) Cough, cough. I was kinda glad to get out of there.

Our next stop was at the park we have been to on several GWO trips. There are very few people there...just lots of ducks, a few fish in the stream, pretty flowers, a playground for the kids, a bridge, etc...a very nice place for picture taking. I included a couple of shots in this blog.

After enjoying the park, we decided to head on over to Sam Moon's since it was nearby. As I entered the store, I could feel my breasts growing there was so much estrogen in there. If there was one person, there were 300 in the store. You couldn't stir them with a stick. In fact it kinda reminded me of what happens when you stir up a fireant mound...lol. Lindsay bought something but I did not. I really didn't come to Dallas to shop, believe it or not. I don't think Lindsay did either. We mostly just wanted to be ladies in the world, enjoying every minute of our short weekend.

Dear Lindsay had planned a special treat for me next. We went to a nail salon she frequents and had pedicures. Now, I could just let it go at that, because many, if not most of you have had pedicures in a nail salon. I had NOT. Lindsay has become pretty good friends with the Korean women working the shop. During her last visit there, she had posed for a couple of pic with them...those were the pictures I went back to the room to get earlier. After hugs and greetings we were seated in some kind of dream chair. It sort of reminded me of the chair Arnold Schwarzenegger sat in to begin his journey in Total Recall...lol. My attendant reached under the arm of my chair and was doing something...I knew not what. Suddenly the back of the chair turned into a giant Shiatsu massage session. My back was rubbed, kneaded, pounded, vibrated, and every other form of enjoyment I can think of...well, not EVERY kind. The only thing that kind of alarmed me was when the seat started moving too. This hard steel bar began pushing upward right in my butt crack...lol. I whispered to Lindsay, "I'm not too sure about this wedgie device." I've never had my coccyx bone massaged before. Ahhh, but the fun was just beginning. My feet had been soaking in the whirlpool tub for about 15 minutes as I enjoyed the back...and bottom massage. Actually the massage lasted about 30 minutes before it shut off. Finally, after I had been turned to putty, the attendant arrived with her cushioned seat and a cart containing every kind of squirt bottle imaginable. I guess my feet were worse than average because she pulled out her Dremel tool with a small sanding wheel on it and swept away my overgrown cuticles. She sanded the top of my gnarly nails and trimmed everything to perfection. Next, I had cuticle remover squirted all over the callouses on my feet and she began to scrub them with some kind of cheese grater or something. I was about to come unglued because I have tender feet and she was showing no mercy. They sure were soft and pretty when she finished though. Time for polish? NO. Next she started massaging my lower legs, from the ankle to the knee. OMG...the only parts the chair couldn't reach...now it made sense. After about 5 minutes massaging each leg and foot, she was finally ready to do the toenails. I picked a color that matched my nails and she did a beautiful job applying it. A base coat, two color coats, and a clear top coat. Wow, I had no idea they could look that good. The last step was to go sit with our feet under a UV light machine that, I guess, hardens the polish. Maybe it even tans your feet...I don't know. What I do know is that I can hardly wait to do it again. Thank you Lindsay, for a wonderful treat!

Being the "fly by the seat of our pants" types, we had no idea what we would do next. I knew we wanted to go see a movie, but we didn't know exactly when, where, and what to see. So, I suggested we go back to the room, freshen up...maybe take a short nap, then go from there. We old folks need a siesta in the afternoon, dontchaknow? I got on the internet and checked theaters, start times, etc. We were kinda torn between two or three movies, but the one that would have the closest start time was Ironman II...lol. I know what you're thinking and yes, we did go see it. There was a lot of testosterone in the IronMan theater...including ours too, I guess. I kinda wanted to go see Letters to Juliet but I figured my wife would like for me to take her to that one. (I was right...we went to see it yesterday).

After the movie, we were pretty hungry since we hadn't eaten since our late breakfast, and it was close to 8pm by now. Lindsay seemed to have a hankering for a steak at Outback. I was fine with that, so off we went. Outback was a nice evening. They turn the lights down pretty low when it gets dark outside. I always feel more passable under low light conditions...lol. Our waiter was nice, always called us ma'am, and never showed any signs of reading us. That made for a very enjoyable dinner.

Sunday finally arrived...time to get ready to go back to East Texas and Drabsville. Lindsay had arranged for us to have a late checkout...1pm. So, that meant we had time to dress for breakfast. I was suggesting IHOP and Lindsay agreed. We were told it would 4-5 minutes before we could be seated. Well, the people kept pouring in and it turned out to be more like 15-20...but I didn't really mind. I enjoy watching people in all kinds of situations. A spot on the bench opened up and we sat down. There must have been 15 people or more standing, waiting to be seated. One middle-aged lady came up to us and asked us if we were all together. I wasn't sure what she meant because she kind motioned toward more than just Lindsay and me. Lindsay told her that she and I were together. Still wondering why the lady wanted to know, I sat there looking her in the eye. Suddenly she pulled out a 20% off coupon and offered it to us...lol. She was just being nice because she had an extra. Breakfast went well and our waitress was very polite and showed no sign of reading us either. There's just no way of knowing what they are thinking for sure. But, as long as they mind their own business and do their job, I tend to be a good tipper. Being a working person myself, I know how much an extra dollar here and there can mean.

After breakfast, we went back to the room and Lindsay had to change back to drab for her arrival at home. Luckily my wife is very accepting of Suzi, so I was able to remain en femme for the rest of the day. We stopped at a Clinique counter in Macy's, at a mall on the way home. We also stopped at a nearby Payless Shoe Store and just looked. I found a pair of shoes that might have been comfortable enough for me and my bunioned feet, but they looked awful to me...very grandmotherish. I'm old enough to be a grandmother, but I'm not ready to dress like one...lol.

Our last stop was at a small outlet mall where I wanted to go to Lane Bryant's. We looked but didn't buy. We walked down the sidewalk to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory where...do I have to tell you?...we bought chocolate. Mostly we bought it for our wives though.

When I finally arrived home, I immediately undressed, removed makeup, and became by old drab self again. I had been gone all the previous week and now the weekend too. My wife was a real trooper about the whole thing. She seems to understand the importance of our getting out now and then. So...I loaded her up in the car and took her out for dinner. She deserves so much more, but all she seems interested in is spending time with me...go figure. Most of you wouldn't be able to stand me...lol. There IS a God...no doubt about it.

So, another successful GWO has come and gone. Lindsay left for Pennsylvania the next day, to consult about FFS at some point in the future. Me?...I jumped back in my work truck and headed out of town for another week...sigh. Sometimes the conflict is tough to endure. What keeps me sane is the unconditional love of a Christian woman who truly understands what life is all about. She has agreed to share it all with me and I find that incredibly satisfying. I hope everyone can someday have the same level of understanding in their marriages and relationships. Life is like a box of chocolates...RIGHT...I wish...lol.

Walkin' On Sunshine (AKA Party Animals)

2010-05-14T14:56:00.001-05:00

JUST THE BLACK NOTES

2010-04-12T19:00:00.001-05:00

I found this very informative AND inspirational.

Democracy Denied

2010-03-21T10:37:00.004-05:00

For the last 100 years, this has been the trend in government operations. This is just the "Progressive" culmination of something both parties have been guilty of. The ultimate result boils down to two choices...Freedom or Socialism. The problem is, you only get to choose one...you cannot have both. I choose freedom but may be forced to live with less and less every day.

For those with someone special in your life...

2010-02-23T18:37:00.000-06:00

Studying Loneliness

2009-11-22T16:00:00.003-06:00

This past Saturday...Nov. 21st...I had another day to become Suzi and face the world. My wife left for work about 8:30am and I began the enjoyable experience of exchanging the drab for the beauty. As I've gained experience presenting a woman to the world, I find my outlook changing too. A year ago, I was passable enough to feel confident most of the time. During the past year though, something has changed. It's a subtle difference, but a profound subtlety...perhaps an oxymoron, but I'm just not smart enough to describe it any other way...lol.

I've really been enjoying reading Leslie's and Melissa's blogs lately. They always give me another insight into MY journey as I watch them struggle with theirs. Leslie suffers from a loneliness that seems insurmountable at times. Her need to be where I am...to have an accepting wife, and the opportunity to express herself as she needs, is a need so many have to endure without. Perhaps "choose to endure" is a better term. To be torn between the responsibilities of a marriage commitment, and being who you truly feel inside, is extremely stressful and at times downright depressing. So many others closely identify with her struggle...including myself, in years past. When I was Leslie's age, I was still about 8 years from my wife finding out I was crossdressing. The possibility of her actually coming to understand and accept me for who I am, had barely even crossed my mind...the possibility seemed incredibly remote. So, for over 50 years I lived in a quiet loneliness...an acceptance that I would never be able to be who I was feeling inside.

Melissa has essentially been living as a woman for quite some time now. I have always felt like she was lonely, kinda trapped behind the bars created by her treeline. I feel like the loneliness is catching up with Melissa and she is beginning to reach out to the world for meaningful interaction...but interaction with Melissa, not her male persona. That same need has become a part of my TG life as I go out in public. I pass well enough that at times I feel like I'm invisible. The trees are full of leaves so I'm hidden and isolated in my own little world. My treeline has me trapped...even in a crowded mall.

My wife's sister died a few years ago. She was about a week older than me. When she was in her late 30's or early 40's she developed Multiple Sclerosis. It progressed slowly and she had good days and not so good days. One day though, it all hit the fan at her house. A lot of stressful situations festered to a nasty head and it was bad enough to cause her to slip into a "coma." I have to put coma in quotations because I don't think that would be a good technical term for her condition. You see, she could not speak, she could not open her eyes, she could not move in any meaningful way except during the early months and years of her "coma". She could hear those around her and understand what they were saying. She could give a light squeeze to your hand as an answer of yes or no. She could stick out her tongue as a response too. Sometimes I would joke with her and she would stick her tongue out at me because that's exactly what she meant to do...lol. She could not eat on her own...a feeding tube was the order of the day. All bodily functions were involuntary. Bed sores were a constant battle. All of her muscles totally atrophied away. Infections from having to stay in a nursing home were a constant life threat, and actually what finally killed her. Seven years in that living hell...my every though would have been about how to commit suicide.

You see, Diane experienced what we sometimes feel like...a viable mind trapped in a body that is almost totally useless to us. Can you imagine what it must have been like to lie there in a bed...nothing to do but think. We played the radio in her room for her and she seemed to appreciate it. I can't imagine a worse hell...living in an immovable body, incapable of expressing your desires and needs...unable to tell anyone when you hurt, feel sick, are sad, are happy...or when you are just plain lonely. And then I think...well, this is very similar to what some of us are having to endure. We need the interaction...we crave the love, acceptance, and attention of those around us...and we need that interaction, love, acceptance, and attention for that female side of our lives. To live without it is to live behind the treeline...to live without acceptance from special people in our lives...to be a ghost or shadow moving through an active world...to be trapped in a cell or body that will not allow us the freedom to grow and become who we really are.

In my opening paragraph I mentioned a subtle difference I feel in my life...a profound subtlety though. I'm beginning to realize that passing as a woman is simply not enough. Being a ghost in a crowded room is not fulfilling. I've always been slow to change. I live life cautiously. My public life as Suzi has been achieved through determination, and exacting, concerted effort. There have been many failures and many successes. Now I seek to open my mind and heart to the world in new ways. I went into an SAS shoe store to see if they had any big sizes in stock. I wear a 12W and SAS shoes are extremely comfortable, although not that stylish. The saleslady accosted me the instant I entered the store...greeted me with a huge, friendly smile, and never once gave any indication that I was anything other than a woman needing a new pair of shoes. We talked about the shoes, styling, fit...you name it...for a good 20 minutes. She insisted that I try on some other styles that I wasn't really interested in...so I did....lol. No big deal you say. Well, a year ago I would probably have refused and just left the store quickly. Now I almost feel like Stephanie and I are friends and we know Lequitia (sp)who works in the SAS store in Tyler. Her openness, friendliness, and eye to eye contact were infectious. My femme voice was not up to snuff but she never wavered for an instant. YES!...interaction on a slightly higher level than I normally would attempt.

Hey, progress is progress. Our battles in life are as varied as are our personalities and life journeys to this point. There seem to be no pat answers to our dilemmas, our frustrations, our needs, and desires. But one thing I have begun to notice in my life...it takes a lot of effort to change how you live, how you interact, how you face life's foibles...but it CAN BE DONE. Positive change always seems to come slowly. I love the way Leslie is able to make the most of even the slightest hint of increased acceptance. That positive thought process gives hope...we just have to build on it and be a patient builder. My wife and I will soon be celebrating our 34th anniversary. I haven't changed that much over the years, but I have changed some...lol. If it takes 34 years to change, then take 34 years.

I just wanted to encourage everyone to remain as positive as possible. Never give up, and fight discouragement and depression at every turn. In my life, I always try to remember to ask God to bless me when I dress to go out. He knows what I need to make me a better person, and he does bless me with opportunities to interact...opportunities to give of myself to the world around me...opportunities to step out of the shadows, as Suzi, and learn a little more about how to love others in a meaningful way. Going out, for me, has become less about just spending time as Suzi, and more about giving part of Suzi to the world...a part that has been stuck behind the treeline and quashed by perceived, and real non-acceptance issues. Every meaningful interaction I experience...no matter how small or seemingly insignificant...is another blow to the loneliness I feel in my TG life. The more we learn to give of ourselves...the more others will return to us in gratitude for that freely given love.

I BELIEVE...

2009-11-14T10:23:00.002-06:00

I BELIEVE
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat. Relax . . . And read this slowly..

I Believe....
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
Doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,
Regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
When you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them
and less to do with
how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

the POSIBILITIES

2009-10-26T18:26:00.006-05:00

The pictures above were taken this past weekend...what my friend Lindsay and I affectionately call GWO or Girl's Weekend Out. Several times a year we shed our drab souls, do our best to become the woman we feel inside, and head for Big D...Dallas, for those who are not familiar with the term. Lindsay has just started her transition and is now on hormones. I'm just a lugnut carpenter who has no plans to transition...yet I still feel that woman inside, needing to get out and be expressed with more than just wishes and hopes. Generally, we check into a motel and share a king sized bed for two nights. This blog is the story of our most recent GWO...the best trip ever.

As most of you know, I don't write all that many blogs. If I was transitioning like some of you, I probably would keep more of a journal...a record of my progress and failures. However, I have a different purpose for my blogs.

Out there in the big bad world, there are literally thousands of transgendered men and women who live such very lonely lives. Many live in depression...trapped in life situations that a non-transgendered person would never consider to be a trap. We are all familiar with the feelings...knowing that deep inside there is more to our heart and soul than just the gender we have been forced to present to the world. Others can accept us but can they really understand? Some can, some can't. Some transgenders never take, or make, the opportunities to express that internal gender they so strongly feel. I hear from many that like to read my blogs, because they can live their dreams vicariously through MY outings and what they perceive as adventures. Many feel they are totally unable of ever being able to pass adequately as a woman in public, so the depression builds. My main purpose here is to relate that this is simply not true in so many cases. The cliche' comes to mind, "If I can do it, anyone can do it." If this describes you, remember that I started out with the exact same feelings of abject inadequacy. Compare that lack of self-confidence with some of the mini-stories of this weekend and be encouraged that you also are able to realize your dreams with lots of work, patience, and determination.

Lindsay and I did not arrive in Dallas soon enough to dress and go out on Friday evening. First off...neither of us are party girls. We don't generally do bars and clubs. Our haunts are mostly restaurants, and stores...lots of stores and shopping. This GWO was to be quite different though. Friday evening was spent preparing, relaxing, and just sitting around the room as girls who needed to shave...lol. I had picked Lindsay up right after I got off work...no time to shower, or clean up. We ate a late dinner in drab, at Olive Garden, before we went to the room.

Saturday morning, I woke up early...VERY early...as usual. I don't deal well with motel beds even though this one was much more comfortable than most. I showered and shaved, then made some sorry coffee they supplied with the room. I spent the next hour putting on my makeup and getting dressed. Lindsay would be waking up any hour now...lol. Actually, I had to wake her up early this weekend because she had an appointment at 10am with a hair stylist. We both have bought very nice human hair, lace wigs recently. I've had mine for several months but Lindsay just got hers and had not even tried it on yet. While she was getting dressed and made up, I decided to go visit the motel's breakfast room. I picked up some muffins and real coffee. My inclination was to pile up a huge pile of breakfast...eggs, sausage, etc. But, instead, I decided to be lady-like and just take the muffins and coffee back to the room. I exchanged smiles and pleasantries with one lady who offered to let me in line in front of her. I told her I was just going to grab some muffins and go back to the room. One of the buffet workers came around the corner as I was picking out my muffins. She gave me a big smile and said something like, "Good morning ma'am, how are you today?" Of course I told her I was fine and asked her how she was. Every time I've gone to the breakfast room, in past visits, I've felt the eyes of more than one man checking me out. The vast majority of the diners present, are wearing shorts, t-shirts, and flip-flops...men AND women. So, I kinda stood out since I was smartly dressed, groomed, and made up. The picture above is what I was wearing all day Saturday.

About 9:15 Lindsay and I headed around the loop in Dallas to make Lindsay's hair appointment on time. The shop was upstairs in a very business like building. It was odd to take an elevator up several floors, walk down a long hall, and enter an office door to go to the beauty shop...lol. We were eventually greeted by a very European sounding, elderly lady. Her accent almost reminded me of Eva Gabor on Green Acres...lol. She was very friendly and realized we were TG right away of course. She never let on about it though as she checked for Lindsay's appointment on the computer. We had to wait about 15 minutes before her hairdresser was ready for her. Originally, I was just going to drop Lindsay off there, and go do some shopping next door at Valley View Mall. Problem was, Lindsay forgot to bring her cell phone so she could call me when she was through. She thought about just borrowing the shop's phone but instead, asked me to come and watch her get worked on. She asked the Hostess if that would be ok and she said yes, of course. So, we were ushered back into a VERY small room with a hairdresser's chair in it. Being in construction, I was able to pin the size of the room down to a little less than six feet wide, and a little less than eight feet long. I was leaning up against the wall the whole time and there was barely room for the beautician (Karla) to slide between me and the chair.

There had been some kind of mix-up in the scheduling of Lindsay's time slot so her first beautician had to leave for a different appointment. So, Karla showed up to take over. Karla is a wonderful person. She's very beautiful inside and out. She never showed the slightest hesitation about preparing and installing Lindsay's wig for her. Lindsay had to take off her old wig and sit in the chair, all made up, but with her drab, gray, guy hair showing for quite a while during the time Karla was preparing the wig. As Karla worked on Lindsay, I made a comment or something about how cool I thought she was to be willing to work with transgenders like us. She made some comment about how she tries not to judge people. I began to gently school her on what TS or TG means. I explained that Lindsay was TS and was transitioning. I also explained that I was NOT transitioning. She began to get curious and ask more questions...questions about marriage, work, etc. She asked me how I do carpentry work with nails on...lol. I had to explain my dressing process and that I do not wear them to work. We talked about how it's not a CHOICE we suddenly make one day...that being TG is something we are born with, live with, hide from, try to qive up, and all the other problems that go along with it. She was so sweet, understanding, curious, and accepting. Now for the good part...

After we had been talking for awhile, she told me, as she curled Lindsay's hair, that she did not know I was a man at first. I'm sure all doubt was erased when I started talking to her in my normal male voice. When she told me she didn't know I was a man, I took a step over to her side and gave her a one armed hug and told her she had just made my day. She complimented me on my looks as I struggled to keep my head from pushing the walls out to 8x10 instead of 6x8...lol. The rest of my day was filled with more confidence than I've experienced in a long time...maybe EVER. To have a beautiful young lady, standing 3 feet away, make a statement like that, was just too much. At one point she took my hand and inspected my nails. She wanted to know how I got them to look so good, because hers were always needing to be filled and they were beginning to hurt. Then she looked at Lindsay's and hers were very pretty French glue on nails. Karla asked about hers too. It was so much fun sharing girl talk with a sweet GG like Karla. When she was done, Lindsay forked over $50 for the work and another 15 or 20 for a bunch of wig tape for her and me. She insisted on paying for it. Karla gave us her business card and we left waving and sharing goodbyes.

After leaving the beauty shop, we drove across the loop and ate lunch at Cheddar's. Everyone there was friendly but it was easy to tell we were not passing as women...lol. My confidence was not to be destroyed though! Onward and upward. Well, actually, we decided to head back to the room for a bit before heading out again. I wanted to try out the new wig tape. When properly used with a lace top wig, you have more styling options. Lindsay's wig was secured tightly with small clips and some tape so she decided to pull her hair back into a very natural looking ponytail. In the future, I may go see Karla myself and have the clips sewn into my wig too.

Soon we were ready to leave the room again so I drove us to a small park I am familiar with. My picture above was taken there. Lindsay and I parked the car by the side of the road and walked across the well kept lawn. As we walked along, a man...I would guess he was about 35 or so, came walking along the edge of the park too. He was out walking his cute little Wiener dog. The man smiled at us as we got closer so I smiled back and said hi. I told him his puppy was so cute as I began talking baby talk to it. The puppy was curious and acted like he wanted to make friends with me so the man picked him up. I put the back of my hand by his nose so he could decide if he liked me or not. He seemed to, so I scratched his ears. Let's be perfectly clear here...I put my hand by the DOG's nose and I scratched the DOG's ears, ok?...lol. Anyway, the guy was very friendly and seemed to accept us both as women. This was also very affirming, though not as much as what Karla told me. Lindsay and I spent the next half hour or so, taking lots of pictures in various beautiful areas of the small park.

From the park, we decided to go back to Valley View Mall and do some shopping. Lindsay was looking for a satin Cami or shell of a certain color to complete an outfit she was given. We looked in all the usual places but had no luck. I mostly just looked and tried to make small talk with the store personnel. My voice is slowly improving and we all know practice makes perfect. For me, shopping is not so much an attempt to find something to buy...at least not any more. I will buy something if I really like it and the price is right. As a progress in my presentation, I'm becoming more careful and picky about what I buy. We did a good bit of shopping that Saturday afternoon but I didn't buy anything. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast, and so did Lindsay. As the evening wore on, we tired of shopping and ended up back at the room for more modifications...lol. It was getting kinda late and we were hungry so we decided to go to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. We just wanted to try something a little different from our usual haunt at Olive Garden or Chili's. I think we both passed very well at Outback. Sometimes it's hard to tell if you're being read or not. Well trained wait help will not give you any such indication. However, most are not that well trained...lol. I think, for the most part, that I can tell whether we're read or not in a restaurant. At Cheddar's...yes; at Outback...no. For one thing, Outback is a more dimly lit atmosphere than Cheddar's. The food that night was not great, but the beer WAS. I had a Foster's draft and Lindsay had a Sam Adam's draft...mmmm. After dinner, we went back to the room to prepare for Sunday.

Since there were no hair appointments on Sunday, Lindsay slept in a little later. The night before, I checked my wig tape to see if it was still holding tightly. It was, so I decided to wear the wig to bed. It's human hair and the lace top wig is designed to be worn full time...sometimes as much as 6 weeks before removal. I actually enjoyed the feel of having that long hair caressing my face and neck as I dozed off. I really did sleep much better that night, than I did the night before. When I woke up the next morning, I began to assess the logistics of how my shower was going to work. I needed to shave again and I really did not want to remove the wig. SO...I decided to do what all girls do now and then...wash my hair in the shower. I shampooed the hair first, then, after rinsing it, I applied some of the conditioner supplied with the room. It was a little tricky shaving my face while wearing the wig though...lol. I must say though, that the experience of washing my long hair, just like a woman was very enjoyable and fulfilling. The small things do count. For one thing...I really empathize with having to dry all that hair. I towel dried it first, then gently brushed out the tangles and began blow drying it. From the hair dryer, I moved to the living room and did my makeup. After dressing, I could see that the hair was going to need some styling, so I heated up the curling iron and did my best to curl it...lol. Even though all my life I wanted to take part in the girl preparation ritual, I never quite understood why it took them so long. Now I do...nuf said...lol. I can't emphasize enough that even though these are very mundane activities, they really meant a lot to me in my quest to be as much of a woman as I plausibly could. I love my wife dearly...and she will probably read this blog...but there are some things I cannot do as a woman, in her presence. I'm glad she is willing to let me go on these weekend junkets with Lindsay several times a year.

Sunday always comes...the day we have to pack and head home. Lindsay always travels home in drab because of his wife. I always dress for the trip home since it's not a problem with my wife. Lindsay is such a wonderful friend. In drab, she always takes the male role and we appear to be a couple. I assume most people think we are married since we're about the same age. Of course I look much younger when I'm dressed...lol. Call me Lindsay's trophy wife. In drab, she always opens restaurant and shop doors for me, and otherwise simply treats me like a lady friend or wife. Since it was Sunday, I decided to wear a dress for the day. It was a new dress I had just bought a few days earlier. It's not a young sexy thing, it's from Penny's, has paisleys on it, and the blue jacket in my picture above goes with it as a two piece ensemble. So, we looked like a mature couple as we entered Denny's for a late breakfast. We looked kinda like the couple at the table next to us, except that the man was wearing a suit. We all looked like we were ready to head to church and decided to stop for breakfast first. This was one of those times that I'm sure the waitress did not read me. I ordered an English muffin with my omelet and she brought me toast. Well, Lindsay called her on it and nicely told her I was supposed to get the English muffin...lol. What a man!...lol. It was pretty funny. After breakfast, we went back to the room and packed everything and loaded it into the car. Lindsay asked if I would mind stopping at Macy's on the way back home so he could look for that Cami I mentioned earlier. It's pretty amazing to watch Lindsay shop for a satin, tan colored, cami or shell while in drab...lol. He doesn't care if I'm there or not. The salesladies kept looking at ME because they expected me to tell them what I wanted, instead of having to listen to Lindsay in drab. I just looked back at them and let Lindsay keep talking...lol. I know they had to wonder when he asked for a size 14 or 16 since they KNEW that was too small for big ole me. Anyway, I shopped all over the big girl section and found three tops I loved. When I checked out, the lady checking me told me I saved $81...and I only spend $47. You do the math...that's close to about 60%off on average. Not bad for Macy's.

As we worked our way back to East Texas, we decided to make our usual stop at a small outlet mall for some last second shopping. Lindsay never did find that Cami in Macy's so she went in every stop we passed...Dress Barn, Koret's, Maurice's, Lane Bryant, Bon Worth. The only shop I was really interested in was the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory...lol. Our last stop for the day was a good one. We didn't buy the chocolate for ourselves, but for our wives. Well sure...we fully intended to eat our share too, but I always try to buy my wife some chocolate when I go there and she's not with me.

One last little event happened on the way home. I was driving, still wearing my dress of course. As we drove along, a truck with some young guys in it pulled up and checked me out...lol. Then they went careening off into the ditch because they were throwing up in the cab...no, not really...lol. They pulled up, and backed up a couple of times and finally took off. I am old enough to be their mother, and maybe even their grandmother.

After dropping Lindsay off, I drove the last 40+ miles alone, reflecting on the best GWO ever. It was not the most action packed GWO ever. It was not the most successful shopping trip ever. No, this trip was the best trip ever for other reasons. I think you all understand those reasons because many of you have been there yourself. Others reading this think they will never experience something like this. Don't be so sure. Like I said earlier, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I don't like to see my friends stuck at home because of fear. Fear can be overcome. I overcame mine with baby steps, with realistic goals, and determination. I hope this will help someone be inspired to take that first step. You will eventually learn to accept yourself for who you are. You will lose the shame and guilt so often associated with being TG. You will come to embrace your femininity as a good thing...something that can be used for good in your life, your family's life, and the lives of others in the world. Good luck to all and thanks for reading.

Suzanne (Suzi)

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

2009-09-27T17:07:00.004-05:00

Peace is not the absence of trouble...
it is the presence of God.

You are strong...
when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave...
when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy...
when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You love...
when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise...
when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true...
when you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive...
when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.

You are growing...
when you know that you are but not what you are becoming.

You are free...
when you are in control of yourself but do not wish to control others.

You are honorable...
when you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous...
when you can give as sweetly as you take.

You are humble...
when you do not know how humble you are.

You are beautiful...
when you don't need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich...
when you never need more than you have.

You are you...
when you are at peace with whom you are not.

I love Fall

2009-09-20T11:53:00.002-05:00

Technically, Fall does not start until sometime tomorrow...but that's ok with me. The big she-bear is beginning to awaken. She's too old to awaken with a new cub to take care of so she can now emerge from hibernation and be herself.

Yesterday was just another weekend outing for Suzi...or was it? I didn't get to stay out as long as usual because my wife got off work at 5pm, but today was still different.

Yes, there's just something about Fall that brings me back to life. It's not like I don't know what that "something" is...it's the cooler weather...lol. Summer used to be my favorite season...and then I grew up and had to go to work in it. I think back on my 36 years of construction experience and I have dreaded every one of those 36 summers. As I get older, I have more opportunity to work indoors, but that still means unairconditioned indoor work. We had a very hot June and half of July. Since then, it's been cooler than normal...much cooler. It's not that uncommon for us to have 100 degree temps in September. The highs for the past several weeks have been below 90 with last week being about 80.

Yesterday...the high for the day was about 78...now we're talking. I decided to go Fall in my attire too. The posted pic is one I took after I got home. This is a new top I bought Saturday. I decided to go with my black slacks, green top and matching accessories. Confidence was oozing from every pore...lol. Maybe just the joy of getting out in cooler weather was the reason for feeling good. Of course, I always feel more confident when there are no sweat rapids cascading from under my wig...stinging my eyes, ruining my mascara and makeup.

My first stop was the movie theater. It has become my favorite haunt during the summer months. Darkness, cool A/C...just like the hibernation cave. Normally, I catch a five or ten minute nap during the previews too...lol. This time was no exception. I went to see "9". It was like a computer generated remake of the "War of the Worlds". It's amazing what they can do with computers these days. The movie was not great but I still liked it. What I liked even more than the movie was having people sitting close to me and ignoring me. Who would be interested in some old fat lady trying to look like Hannah Montana's grandma anyway? Nobody...and that's the point...they were ignoring a "lady"...that's all I cared about.

After the movie, I fought the Saturday afternoon traffic back to the mall. It was tough finding a parking place within the range of a 747. But then I remembered..."it's not hot out today." So, I just picked a parking spot and walked in. Normally, during the heat of summer, if I had to trek this far just to get in the store, I would just head for home. I shopped for awhile and bought the top I'm wearing above. Just another day of rubbing elbows with the little people. That's my affectionate term for most women I encounter. Though not tall...about 5'9...I seem to tower over most women I shop around...even in the big girls department.

Yep, I'm looking forward to the next 6 or 7 months of cooler weather. Most bears hibernate in the winter, but not this one. The weather is fairly mild around here in the winter. I have a light, zip-up jacket I bought at Macy's years ago. So far, I've only used it half a dozen times. But then, I've been known to work outdoors in short sleeved shirts when the temp is hovering around freezing. Who needs a big heavy coat to lug around while shopping in the mall? I find that my bra, forms, 3/4 sleeves, and wig do a nice job of keeping me more than warm enough.

Sweat glands...get you behind me! Oh wait, that was for Satan...oh well, same thing.

...trying to UNDERSTAND

2009-09-12T08:13:00.004-05:00

Gender Dysphoria:
1.) disquiet; restlessness; malaise.(Dorland's Medical Dictionary for Health Consumers)
2.) An emotional state marked by anxiety, depression, and restlessness.(The American Heritage® Medical Dictionary )
3.)Feelings of anxiety, restlessness, and DISSATISFACTION (emphasis mine). (Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine.)
4.)a disorder of affect characterized by depression and anguish.(Mosby's Medical Dictionary)
5.) Neurology Unpleasant mood. See Gender dysphoria.(McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine)
6.) Gender Dysphoria: Unhappiness with one's biological sex or its usual gender role, with the desire for the body and role of the opposite sex. (Dorland's Medical Dictionary for Health Consumers.)

Over the past couple of years I've read so many blogs...so many emails...experienced so many face-to-face, up front and personal testimonies about the ravages of GID, that it makes my head swim. It seems we all suffer from it, to one degree or another. As I've said so many times before, I'm always amazed at how closely our lives, our journeys, and even our gender dysphoria parallels each other's. I've wondered about my own journey...how it started, when it started, why it started, and where it will end. Since becoming acquainted with so many other Tgs, I at least feel somewhat relieved to know that I'm not alone in this search for knowledge and understanding.

I think the different sources quoted above do a fairly good job of describing my feelings. What's funny is that I do not experience them all of the time...I do not experience ALL of them at the same time either. Sometimes I feel anxiety...sometimes I feel restlessness...sometimes depression to one degree or another. Life circumstances seem to have everything to do with the "dysphoria d'jour".

DEPRESSION: For me, this is the worst dysphoric effect I experience. I'm not someone that is easily depressed. My life has been blessed in so many ways. Sure, I've had problems just like every other person on Earth. Rarely have they seemed so insurmountable as to "drive me to drink" so to speak. I've never felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and just needed someone to give me a tiny, one finger push to send me over the edge. I've never contemplated suicide, even during my most depressing episodes of GID. On the other hand, I have seen other TG friends that have not only been standing on the edge of that cliff, but HAVE fallen to their deaths. My personal relationship with my God is what keeps me from venturing too close to that cliff. That's a story for another time.

RESTLESSNESS: This feeling is a very common emotion for me. When I have to get up in the morning and don my drab, construction worker clothes, I often catch myself sighing. Sometimes my wife will ask me if I'm ok, but I never quite know how to respond. She understands that I need Suzi time, and I can't express how important that understanding has been in my life. Indeed, I think God has used my wife to keep me from sliding toward the edge of that cliff. At the same time, I know that to keep this Angel at my side, I need to be the husband SHE needs. I realize I'm speaking to the choir here. I tend to get very restless...needing Suzi time, when my wife is off work on the weekend. She normally alternates weekends...works one, is off the next. That second week of waiting is creating more and more restlessness as time goes on. Another factor in my restlessness is Summer. Having male sweat glands is tough enough to handle without having to wear a bra, forms, and a wig. It's like wearing a sweater and a scarf out shopping when it's 98 degrees outside. I get discouraged by the heat and the problems it causes. I spend the whole summer restlessly waiting for cooler weather to return.

DISSATISFACTION: This emotion is perhaps the one that most accurately describes my personal dysphoria. I've always suffered from low self-esteem concerning my looks as a man. I was never a "ladies man", but then, I never acted like one either. I remained a virgin until my wedding night 33 years ago. I only had one other serious girlfriend before my wife. Getting dumped by that first girlfriend was the worst feeling I've ever experienced. My wife has been a lifesaver in that she seems convinced that I'm handsome as a man...and cute as Suzi...lol. My personal dissatisfaction with my male looks has managed to carry over to my female looks. Not seeking to transition has left me with male features that will never change, no matter how much makeup I apply, how much care I take with my skin, no matter WHAT I do, I will never be satisfied with my femininity. What this means is that I'm always in a state of dissatisfaction with my looks. I suspect that nearly every one of us shares this feeling to some degree or another. For me, this is the most persistent and ubiquitous emotion I deal with. It's always with me...ebbing and flowing, but never going away. Being a non-transitioning TG means being dissatisfied with TWO states of being...double trouble if you will...lol.

GENDER DYSPHORIA: Unhappiness with one's biological sex or its usual gender role, with the desire for the body and role of the opposite sex. I don't know when I first experienced this feeling but I do know it was at a very young age...perhaps as young as 7 or 8. I always adored girls. I remember being smitten by feminine beauty in the first grade. Shyness managed to create a distance between them and me though. I was the envy of all the guys in the second grade. Debborah Brown moved right next door to me. It was so scary to have such a goddess living next to me. My friend Bubba, and I used to take our Big Chief tablets and write "I love you very, very....very...(4 or 5 pages later)...very much." The reply we always received was "I hate you very....very much." Bubba came from a well-to-do family so he coughed up a half-dollar piece and sent it with his next love letter. Deborah's response changed to "I love you very much." She and my sister were swinging on the swingset in my backyard one day. Bubba and I ran up to her, stopped the swing and kissed her on the arm...then ran like HELL...lol. I will never forget the feeling of her smooth, soft skin, as I pressed my lips on it. Of course she had to wipe the coodies off as we ran away. Sometimes I wonder if that kiss is what really set off my inner femininity. Being so beautiful must be a wonderful experience. Shortly thereafter, I tried on my first dress...my sister's Brownie uniform. It was downhill from there...or should I say UPHILL? I'm not sure. From then on, whenever I would crossdress and look in the mirror, I would imagine myself with long hair and pretty shoes...long dark eyelashes and soft smooth skin...perhaps some pretty earrings. But what always stared back at me was dissatisfying...a boy with a dress on. Knowing that's the way it would always be was not a good feeling to say the least...even at that young age. Now that I'm older, have carved my niche in the world, making more money than any other time in my life, can afford a few clothing items and a nice wig, I still look in the mirror with dissatisfaction.

I think my wife sometimes worries that this GID will become too much for me, and that I will suddenly reveal to her that I must transition in order to stay alive and maintain my sanity. Even though this question has crossed my own mind many times, I know it will never happen, and I try to reassure her of that fact. You ask how I can be so sure. Personally, my physical life is not the most important aspect of my whole being. This physical life, to me, is a training ground. I've asked many people why God would create his future children as physical beings, so flawed and prone to moral failure. I believe the answer is that he is giving us the opportunity to learn. Learn what?...that WE cannot do it on our own. We cannot save ourselves when we die. We have free will to do good or evil. Even if we learn to do good...we cannot save ourselves. God's unconditional love is what we should be striving to grow in our own hearts. With God's help I can develop this kind of love in my heart no matter how I look on the outside. Being transgender has given me a perspective on life that most do NOT have. God is not interested in what gender I present to the world, he's interested in what kind of heart I present. Having at least a portion of my brain processing life in a feminine manner has given me a more complete understanding of life. At the same time, I know that, for me, being totally female is not a reality I can expect in this life. In a future life as a spirit being, there will be neither male or female. Male and female is something God created to procreate the world. What this means is that God created ALL the attributes of both male and female. I am thus able to draw upon the emotions, strong points, feelings, and heart of both sexes. I can yuck it up with the crudest of construction workers, and I can carry on a congenial, softer conversation with a group of women. Women are not a mystery...because "I are one"...lol...at least to a degree.

GID...Gender Identity Dysphoria. In many cases this seems like a misnomer. Over time we learn about our true selves and this dysphoria, which basically seems to mean confusion. This confusion simply becomes BTTO...being true to ourselves. We had no control over how we were born...we just have to BTTO. Very few of us would take the blue pill and give up the feminine side of our heart...so we learn to BTTO. As we learn to deal with dysphoria in all it's forms and mutations, we should take heart knowing that few others have the opportunity to look at life from both sides. The depression, dissatisfaction, anxiety, that GID causes is swept away temporarily when we eventually find some way, some how, some time, to express that beautiful, feminine side we know resides in our hearts. When you begin to feel the ravages of GID kicking in, find ways to release your female heart even if it does not involve dressing as one. I know it's not the same, but we can get the jump on GID by allowing our femininity to be displayed in other ways. Find releases for your femininity...bring home 5 chick flicks from the movie rental store, interject your feminine thoughts into a conversation with other women. There are many possibilities if you search for them. I am able to fight my restlessness because my wife is so accepting of me as I am. I wear toenail polish all the time. When I come home from work, I get cleaned up, put on my panties, my femme shorts, a femme top, and some one inch hoop earrings. It's not the same as fully dressing and going out, but it does take the edge off the restlessness.

I hope this is helpful to someone. It was helpful for me to write down my own feelings about my own level and type of GID. Those times of depression, anxiety, restlessness, and dissatisfaction will always be with me, mainly because I do not plan to transition. For those that ARE transitioning, everything changes as you transition. I've watched LoriD religiously for a couple of years. Her willingness to share her transition so intimately with us all, has helped me and many others greatly. I've also noticed how she is changing emotionally as well as physically. As her body and mind change, her GID will disappear...but life will always be life. I have also been watching Leslie as she struggles with a disapproving mate. Her frustration level sometimes bring tears to my eyes...partly because I feel her pain, and partly because I have what she wants but cannot give her...an understanding S.O. I look at Shandy, a fairly new friend...I sense in her a dissatisfaction similar to mine...an inexplicable dissatisfaction in her case, because I think she is already a beauty and I can't imagine how beautiful she will be when her transition is complete. My best friend Lindsay is about to begin her transition and is already on the verge of splitting up with her wife. All these problems...so few solutions. Coping with GID is not the easiest thing in the world. Some would say it's one of the hardest things. I can honestly say my GID has changed to something more akin to GD...gender dissatisfaction...lol. I hope each and every one of you is able to find ways to deal with your personal GID, or GD. I welcome any and all thoughts on GID, because we all need encouragement and advice from those that are so intimately familiar with this subject.

So, how does GID affect YOUR life...your heart and soul?

I'm ISTP...what are you?

2009-09-03T05:48:00.004-05:00

IF YOU'VE NEVER EXPLORED YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE WITH THIS GROUP OF POSSIBILITIES, TRY IT...IT'S FUN. AFTER READING THROUGH THEM ALL, I'VE DECIDED I'M ISTP

http://typelogic.com/istp.html

Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
by Marina Margaret Heiss

Profile: ISTP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005

Like their fellow SPs, ISTPs are fundamentally Performers (note the capital 'P' :-)), but as Ts their areas of interest tend to be mechanical rather than artistic like those of ISFPs, and unlike most ESPs they do not present an impression of constant activity. On the contrary, they lie dormant, saving their energy until a project or an adventure worthy of their time comes along--and then they launch themselves at it. The apparently frenzied state that inevitably ensues is actually much more controlled than it appears--ISTPs always seem to know what they're doing when it comes to physical or mechanical obstacles--but the whole chain of events presents a confusing and paradoxical picture to an outsider.

ISTPs are equally difficult to understand in their need for personal space, which in turn has an impact on their relationships with others. They need to be able to "spread out"--both physically and psychologically--which generally implies encroaching to some degree on others, especially if they decide that something of someone else's is going to become their next project. (They are generally quite comfortable, however, with being treated the same way they treat others--at least in this respect.) But because they need such a lot of flexibility to be as spontaneous as they feel they must be, they tend to become as inflexible as the most rigid J when someone seems to be threatening their lifestyle (although they usually respond with a classic SP rage which is yet another vivid contrast to their "dormant," impassive, detached mode). These territorial considerations are usually critical in relationships with ISTPs; communication also tends to be a key issue, since they generally express themselves non-verbally. When they do actually verbalize, ISTPs are masters of the one-liner, often showing flashes of humor in the most tense situations; this can result in their being seen as thick-skinned or tasteless.

Like most SPs, ISTPs may have trouble with rote and abstract classroom learning, which tend not to be good measures of their actual intelligence. They tend, sometimes with good reason, to be highly skeptical of its practical value, and often gravitate towards classes in industrial arts; part-time vocational/ technical programs can be useful to even the college-bound ISTP. In terms of careers, mechanics and any of the skilled trades are traditional choices, and those ISTPs with strong numerical as well mechanical gifts tend to do extremely well in most areas of engineering. Working as paramedics or firefighters can fulfill the ISTP need to live on the edge; they are at their best in a crisis, where their natural disregard for rules and authority structures allows them to focus on and tackle the emergency at hand in the most effective way.

ISTPs with more sedate careers usually take on high-risk avocations like racing, skydiving, and motorcycling. While aware of the dangers involved, they are so in touch with the physical world that they know they can get away with much smaller safety margins than other types.
Famous ISTPs:

(I have to give Joe Butt credit for most of the following)

U.S. Presidents:
Zachary Taylor

Charles Bronson
Tom Cruise
James Dean
Clint Eastwood
Burt Reynolds
Keith Richards
Charlie Yeager
Frank Zappa
Fictional:

Hedda Gabler in Ibsen's play of the same name
John Miller in the movie American Grafitti
Archibald "Harry" Tuttle in the movie Brazil

Functional Analysis: - by Joe Butt
Introverted Thinking

Thinking, the dominant function, generally keeps its opinions to itself. The inner world of introverted thinkers resembles Plato's rec room, where every untried idea runs the gauntlet of Truth. The personal or political source of the alleged fact matters little to Thinking; each tenet must stand on its own premises. Introverted thinkers focus their directives in on themselves, and would like nothing better than for others to do the same. One ISTP friend displays a poster of an orangutan with the caption, "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you." Suffice it to say that ISTPs are by nature free spirits.

Extraverted Sensing

Auxiliary Sensing provides Thinking with all manner of information about the physical world. ISTPs possess heightened sensory awareness. And as other SPs, ISTPs are energized by responding to their impulses. Sports appeal to many ISTPs for the sheer sensory experience.

This combination of dominant introverted thinking and auxiliary extraverted sensing results in no-nonsense realism. The uncanny troubleshooting ability which predisposes many ISTPs to hands-on diagnostics (especially with machinery and computers) or detective work is most probably rooted in this pairing.

Introverted iNtuition

Tertiary iNtuition maintains a low profile. ISTPs are prone to consult "gut feelings" that most probably arise from this function unconsciously. As with other SP types, ISTPs generally lack enthusiasm for theoretical and philosophical issues, and less for the endless discussions in which the Intuitive (especially NP) types so frequently engage.

Extraverted Feeling

The inferior (least) feeling function is extraverted and, when operative, quite visible. As with all types, the inferior function is relatively simplistic and often operates unconsciously in an all-or-nothing manner. When operative, Feeling's sensitivity and loyalty has the potential for great benefit and utter peril. It would seem that ISTPs would do well to nourish and cherish Feeling judgement, but to vigilantly supervise and protect it from predators and other catastrophes.

Copyright © 1996-2007 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

NEW CONFIDENCE

2009-08-30T14:53:00.004-05:00

This last Saturday turned out to be a real confidence booster for me. Again, I had no idea what kind of day it was going to be...nor did I really care. Perhaps I have answered my own confusion. Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm fit to be seen out in public. Often times, those turn out to be the days I get read most often. I'm beginning to believe more and more that attitude is one of the strongest factors in my acceptance as a woman. As I look back on the Friday evening preceding my Saturday excursion, I remember being excited about the coming opportunity. Friday evening I attached my new set of freshly painted nails. My new frosted, pale pink nails would be something different for me, as I usually wear rich reds and browns. My lipstick would be lighter...a sugared mauve color instead of my darker Divine Wine or Mulberry. My new long blonde hair was pulled back and held in place with a brown suede hairband...something else I rarely use. The weather on Saturday was cooler than normal, due to a cool front that worked its way through the area the night before. Boy am I ready for more of this cooler weather! "Cooler" is a subjective word in Texas. When the high for the day is only 90...that's considered pretty cool...lol. The best thing about the cool front was that it reduced the humidity to a tolerable level. Lower humidity, cooler temps...this made me want to dig out my black slacks to give me a slightly dressier look. It's noon and I'm ready to roll.

Normally, I just go shopping in Tyler and Longview...both of which are about 20 miles from me, just in opposite directions. Suddenly I got the urge to head out to
Interstate 20 instead. Occasionally, I like to make the 70 mile trip to my favorite outlet mall. It's small and far away from any major metropolitan areas, namely Dallas/Ft. Worth. I don't go there very often...perhaps three or four times a year. I mention this because it's relevant in this blog.

Following my normal routine at this mall, I started on one end and worked my way down the mall. My first stop is always the Dress Barn. I hardly ever buy anything there because they rarely have good sales. Still, many times it is all I can do to make myself leave the store empty handed because they always have some very pretty tops, skirts, and dresses. As I entered the store, the saleslady was working nearby and immediately greeted me. She was much friendlier than I had remembered. She asked me, "you're a regular aren't you?" I said yes, and she said, "I thought so...and I haven't seen you in a long time." I'm thinking, (yeah, I guess it would be hard to forget a girl like me.) She left no indication of having read me so I thought I'd test her a little. During her greeting, she told me about a special "buy one and get one at half price" sale they had going on. She also let me know I could get a bigger discount if I used my Dress Barn card (which I did not own). She asked me if I had one and I had to fess up that I did not. Of course, she was doing her best to get me to sign up for one...that in itself would get me even more of a discount. Thus the little test...I told her my husband would kill me if I brought home another card. Without skipping a beat she said something like, "Awww, he wouldn't do that...he loves you too much." I mumbled something back, about being mortally wounded instead. She finally gave up and went about her business of accosting newly arriving patrons, and I went about my business of shopping. Once again I found many items I wanted but nothing I could not live without...so I headed toward the door. Somehow I KNEW she would not let me out that easily. I was right. We spent the next 5 minutes kidding back and forth...me, about how poor I was right now...and her, about how poor SHE was right now too...lol. It was a funny conversation but a lot of fun. I really felt accepted in the store.

My next stop, farther up the mall, was Lane Bryant. As I entered the store, the clerk behind the counter yelled a greeting to me as she checked out a customer. I shopped the entire store for a good while and I ended up taking a half-priced bra to the dressing room to try on. As I was about to enter the dressing room area, the same saleslady was standing close by and she said something like, "I haven't seen you in a long time...where have you been?" I told her I lived near Tyler, and assumed she knew that was a long way to go shopping on a regular basis. Yet, she still remembered me. Surely she accepted me as a woman because I walked right on in to the dressing room to try on the bra I was holding. Their dressing rooms are a little scary because the only cover you have is a hand drawn curtain...no latching doors with privacy locks...lol. I moved as quickly as I could and tried on the bra, liked it, and decided to buy it. On my way to the register, I found an inexpensive but pretty, mauve colored top that I decided to buy too. One other customer was in front of me checking out. About half way through checking them out, the phone rang. I could tell she didn't want to answer it because she was the only girl checking and the check out line was getting longer. But...she did. Judging from what she was saying it must have been management asking questions because she kept saying "Terri is in the back" doing so and so. They talked about schedules and the fact that one of the other employees was on the way in but was stuck in traffic that was backing up behind an accident or something. Then more talk about Terri...then more talk about Terri. Finally, she was able to complete the transaction for the customers in front of me while still on the phone. Just as I approached to check out, she was able to hang up and I could see the frustration in her face. My tab paid, I was closing up my purse and waiting for her to hand me the bag containing my purchase. Just before I left, I asked her,"but what is Terri doing?" She burst into laughter and seemed so relieved that a customer would be so patient and understanding. As I turned to leave she said, "thank you dear." I don't think she would have let me into the dressing room, nor would she call me dear unless she thought I was a woman. My confidence grew...and I was really enjoying the day.

I decided to head on down to the end of the mall and shop at Claire's. I don't know how childish I look, but I really like wearing a hair band in my new long hair. My new wig is a full lace wig and thus has lace all the way around, with baby hair tied to the edge too. If you glue, or tape the wig on, you can pull the hair back into a full, high ponytail and you cannot tell it's a wig. I brush my hair back behind my ears, then place the hairband to hold it back. The lace front makes it look so real it's impossible to tell it's a wig. It really looks like hair is growing from the skin on my temples and forehead. This is a totally new experience for me, and one I really love. I'll never be able to grow long hair and this is so close to the real experience. Anyway, I told you that to tell you that I went into Claire's to buy a couple of hairbands. I ended up buying two hairbands and three sets of earrings. The earrings were "buy two and get one free." Claire's seems to employee only very young girls. This store was no exception. They are always very outgoing and energetic. She offered to help in any way...explained the sales going on...and gave me a basket to place my items in. My only problem was the heat in the store. Within 5 minutes I could tell I needed to hurry up and get back outside where at least the air was moving. By the time I was ready to check out, there were actual drops of sweat dripping off my forehead. Now it was time to get the car on the road and head back to Tyler for the final episode in my day as Suzi.

Arriving back in Tyler, I swung around the loop and headed out to the movie theater. Being a Saturday afternoon, the parking lot was packed...for once I was not intimidated. High on a day filled with "ma'am", "dear", conversation, and acceptance as a woman, I was not afraid to walk right in and be a part of the crowd. First, I slowly cruised by the marquis while still in my car, checked the start times, and found out that I would have to wait about 45 minutes before the next feature. Shucks!! I guess I'll have to go next door to Kohl's and do a little more shopping for a few minutes...lol. So, I did. Again I found some darling items that I wanted to buy, but I was feeling guilty enough for spending what I had already spent. So, I just did the next best thing, I went to the ladies room. I figured it would not be as crowded as the ladies room at the movie theater...I was barely right.

Finally, it was time to head back over to the theater. I decided to see "Shorts." It's a silly children's movie about a magic rock that grants wishes. It was cute though. What made the movie special was an event that happened in the middle of the movie. Sitting in the next row behind me was a young woman and her two young children. I'd guess the little boy was about 4, and the little girl was about 5 or 6. As I sat watching the movie, the lady exited the row and was heading down the steps with her little boy. I assumed they were headed to the restroom. She made it all the way to the bottom of the steps but stopped and looked back up at her daughter. I really wasn't paying that much attention to her at the time though. Suddenly she started walking back up the steps...little boy in tow. She stopped one row in front of me and was talking to someone in my direction. I could not hear what she was saying. Then I noticed she was leaning over towards ME...like she was talking to ME. I thought, OH...she's trying to tell me something. I leaned over to her and told her I could not hear her. So, she leaned way over with her head next to my ear and asked me if I would watch her little girl...and don't let anyone take her. I told her I would and she seemed reassured. Now, you tell me...would you have asked a crossdresser to do that for you? I don't think so. Anyway, she headed down the steps again and was just about to disappear from sight and she stopped again. I think her motherly instincts took over and the idea of leaving her little girl alone was just too much for her. She climbed all the way back up the steps...messed around with gathering up their junk, and took the little girl with her. I'm sitting there thinking this is a mother to be envied. Her protective instincts were too strong to leave her child in the protection of even another woman...ME. I was not the least bit offended. There are just too many cases of small children disappearing and never being found. I remember when she started walking back up the steps to get her daughter...I had turned around a couple of times just to check on her. She was the only person sitting in the whole row...approximately in the middle. She was a tiny little girl and you could hardly see her in the big chair. She looked so vulnerable sitting there that I really was watching her closely. I was glad when the mom came back and picked her up. I just felt honored to have been entrusted with her daughter's safety for a short period of time. For a few minutes I felt like a mother too.

Well, another day as Suzi...another day of learning, growing, and being happy as myself. I love the days when I feel confident...they always turn out well. The hardest part is undressing and slowly returning to the old male me. But, I don't want to end on a negative note, so I will say that I am happy for the great opportunities that I DO have. I'm grateful that I can spend time as Suzi and be accepted as a woman in a normal world setting. I've dreamed of this all my life and now it is happening after more than 50 years of wishing and hoping. It may not be exactly the "dream come true" I had envisioned all those years...but it's close enough. I'm happy.

TIME

2009-08-16T19:31:00.003-05:00

Can you spot Suzi? Please say no...lol. This picture represents only 57 years of human life...57 years of quantity and quality time. I'm the oldest person in the picture...the baby is about one.

Recently, the importance of quality time was brought up again in a blog. We hear the phrase a lot..."quality time is better than quantity of time." This is normally made in reference to the time we spend with family and friends, but mostly it refers to the time we spend with out children.

I believe quality of time spent is more important than quantity. That said, there is so much to be said for quantity too. I'm sure most of you have spotted Suzi by now. My son is standing directly in front of me. I was pretty much of a rookie carpenter when my son began going to work with me. You might question my sanity, but he was only two and a half years old. My wife also worked with me because we were poor at the time and couldn't afford to hire help. My son spent every waking moment of his time with us. Mom woke him up, fed him, got him dressed, and we headed off to work. He spent his whole day within eye-shot of one of us. Those of you who have had children...especially boys...know that you can't turn your back even for a second or they will be in trouble. The poor boy never had a moment of privacy. To keep him from being too bored, I challenged his abilities. I would build a stud wall, stand it up, and tack it in place with a couple of nails. Then I would give him a handful of 12 penny nails and a small hammer. I would start the nails where I wanted them and he was supposed to drive them in. First, realize he was only 3 yr old. Next realize these were big nails. He refused to give up until those nails were pounded in. He couldn't even hit them hard enough to bend them. He just kept pecking away until they were all the way in. Believe me...this was quantity of time...lol. It took him a long time to accomplish this tough task.

The point is this: When you spend a lot of time with a child, you really get to know them. You don't have to worry about cramming quality into the time you are with them because you are always there when the quality time shows up. Quantity of time also gives them a sense of protection. You're always there when they get hurt. It's not the same if they get hurt in a day care center then have to tell you about it after the fact. Quantity of time gives you more control over how the quality time develops. For example, I taught my son to work without him even realizing it. Most of the little houses I was framing at the time had 2x8 floor joists that were 12 feet long. For me they were nothing...but to a 5 yr old, they were like beams or trees. One day I was framing a floor and I ran out of joists. I just yelled at my son, "bring me another one of those 2x8's!...awww never mind, they're probably too heavy for you...I'll get it." Well, that was all it took...the challenge was laid. He grabbed that 2x8 and wrestled with it for a minute, finally got it in a position so he could pick it up, and he brought the thing to me. The board weighed nearly as much as he did. He was always very skinny and light, but very wiry and strong. I praised him and told him he could bring me all of them he felt like carrying. Well, once again quantity of time won out...lol. It was almost painful watching him struggle with those heavy boards. It took him quite a while to put the fire out on that challenge I subtly laid before him.

How many of you have spent time...seemingly endless time...reading to your children as they drift off to sleep? Did you consider that quality time or quantity of time. I started calling it quantity of time after reading "Green Eggs and Ham" for the millionth time...lol. How much silent time have you spent watching "Finding Nemo" or "Cinderella"? For me, quantity of time really took over during my son's teenage years. He was very active in church activities...especially the intermural type sports offered. There is no way to calculate the number of hours we spent driving him to practices and games of volleyball, track, basketball, and softball. We're talking severe quantity here.

What I want to emphasize is that quantity is a quality all its own. Yes, I believe children and spouses can understand when you are forced to work out of town, or whatever other reason you have for not spending time with them. They may understand, and they may appreciate the quality time you offer them, but they will CRAVE the quantity of time. A friend of mine, who is only about 34, has 4 kids up to about 9 yrs of age. About 3 years ago he decided to become an insurance adjuster and travel the nation adjusting at severe weather outbreaks. He knew he could make a lot of money, and he did. He was able to buy a nice house and put money away for that rainy day. Recently he called me to tell me he had decided to quit the traveling and take an adjusting job close to home. Now he can be home every evening and weekends. He will finally be able to spend that quantity of time his family craves and cherishes. It was almost like he felt guilty that he wouldn't be bringing home the big bucks. I assured him that this was a wonderful thing for him at this time in his life. His children and wife will have enough time together to grow closer instead of always trying to play "catch up". When you have enough quantity of time, you have the opportunity to plan special events that normally only fit under the column called quality time. Indeed, EVERY moment we spend together with those we love should be precious. Every moment holds the opportunity to express quality time by telling someone we love them...by giving them a hug or kiss...by reading the book one more time...by wrestling with them on the living room floor...and letting them whip us.

Being TG often means having family, etc. that do not accept us for who we are. I know many of you have strained relationships to deal with. To most of us, quality time is time we get to spend in our chosen gender. To those that transition, that quality time also becomes quantity...as in 24/7/365. I have chosen to accept only the quality time for now. However, so often I CRAVE the quantity. Those few times I have had the opportunity for an extended time as myself have been burned into my mind as times of great quality.

Every moment of life is precious. Don't settle for just the quality...also go for as much quantity as you can. Take every opportunity to turn quantity of time into a quality experience. The simple things you do during quantity of time will make for a quality of life to be envied by all. Enjoy the lines below. Hugs, Suzi

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam and has to repeat a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage laborer who has eight kids to feed.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask someone who is on his deathbed.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have...

Perfection...

2009-08-13T17:34:00.003-05:00

I had kind of a rough day today. It started with someone at work trying to blame me for his lack of initiative. I've been working at this particular job for over a month...by myself. We actually have so much work that we are beginning to hire people for the first time in quite a few months. Dang Texas economy. All of a sudden this morning, I find out that 5 or 6 men are going to show up to help me knock out this job. Well, my first reaction was to shake my head and wonder how they can be so uninformed. I mean, my bosses used to work in the field just like me. You'd think they would have a better understanding of how long it would take to do the work that is left to do. But NOOOOOooooo. They wanted it all knocked out today. RIGHT!...at least that was the thought that went through my head.

So I finally got all the material and tools needed to get the work going. The problem is...I have been sent 5 men that are NOT trim carpenters. Not only that, they haven't been working on the job and have no idea what is going on. I spent the whole day just running around in circles trying to keep them supplied with tools and materials. I did nothing but supervise. They made several mistakes and the quality of workmanship was below what will be expected. I'm sure none of you ever have to deal with this kind of situation...lol. It's just kind of mind boggling that the "powers that be" don't really care about finishing the project in the proper sequence. They want everything done right now. That always means you have ten trades walking all over each other and fighting over who gets to do their work first...grrr. I was also told that they could only release all these guys to work with me for one day. Hmmm...now I have about a week to do a month's work, by myself? I don't think so.

Ok, enough griping. I should be happy...they turned on the air conditioning in the building...lol. It was kinda nice not having to sling sweat from my brow constantly. I'm trying to end in a positive note, like Shandy does. Somehow, I know the job will get done...it always does. It seems like there is always a rush toward the end.

My co-workers say they like working for me and wish I would become a superintendent. I always tell them that if that happened, they wouldn't like working for me anymore because my job would be to fuss at them all the time and try to get more out of them. A superintendent spends a big part of his day on the phone griping at sub-contractors, trying to get them to show up. I hate griping. I hate confrontation. I love to work with my hands without begin rushed. I love to do good work...something I can go back to in 20 years and still be proud of. I'm not a perfectionist. I know what is necessary and I don't spend unnecessary time trying to make things perfect that don't affect the final product. But, when I finish, I want everyone to be pleased with the final product.

I know what I'm like, and I see it in my everyday life too. I know that Suzi will never be perfect, but I still want the pubic to approve of what they see. I want them to accept me as a woman and the vast majority do. I look in the mirror and I examine the overall picture...the final product. I am so meticulously aware of every imperfection staring back at me, but I have to look at the final product and the impression others leave when exposed to it. Many times I do work that I'm not proud of. Sometimes things just don't work out right. Wood can be very fickle. You can rip a perfectly straight board on a tablesaw and the result is two very crooked, smaller boards. Sometimes you are forced to use them anyway and it bugs you knowing that the final product will have a flaw that virtually no one but yourself will ever notice.

We are our own worst critics. I have been totally amazed that some of my girlfriends still have inferiority complexes about their looks. They look "killer" to me but they are so self-conscious. Sometimes my bosses ask me how things are going on a job. I think it disarms them when I don't give them an enthusiastic "great." That's just because I'm never totally satisfied with the result of what I'm working on. I'm trying to not carry this attitude over into my TG life...but it's hard.

I want to become more feminine but I don't know if that will ever happen without hormones. Makeup can only do so much. I'm not totally disappointed with my looks but we always seem to want more...smoother skin, less hair growth, etc. Sometimes the desire to take hormones is very strong. There is one thing that keeps me from going that route...a wonderful, loving wife that loves me just the way I am...drab or dressed. She knows how I "roll" and accepts me that way. She doesn't expect perfection...she just expects me to love her too. She kisses me goodbye every morning and tells me to have a great day. That's her picture at the top of this blog. What more can I ask for?

THE SCOPE

2009-08-04T17:03:00.003-05:00

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the VERY best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

SUZI MAKES PROGRESS

2009-08-02T14:49:00.008-05:00

(be sure and enlarge the picture for a better look)

I have been encouraged by lots of people to blog more often. I don't know why I don't. I just love reading about everyone's life...even the simple, seemingly inconsequential items we experience every day. Perhaps it's because I'm not transitioning and I don't have to endure many of the life altering...sometimes life shattering events that many of you do.

Anyway, last November (I can't believe it's been that long) I spent a couple of my vacation days building the main frame, countertop, laminate, and installing the new sink and faucet set you see above. The doors were installed a couple of weeks ago...lol. I do work like this all day at my job and the last thing I feel like doing when I get home is more of the same.

I fretted for a good while about the doors...not knowing for sure how I wanted everything to look. My wife is a crafting genius but she just doesn't seem to be able to tell me exactly what she wants her cabinets to look like. SO...since this is a very small, old, fixer-upper, frame house, I decided I would go with a "country" look. I showed her basically what it would look like and she loved it. My son works for a company that buys, refurbishes, and relets older apartment complexes. In one of his upgrade phases, he ended up with about 200 old 2'x4', solid wood top coffee tables. He removed the tops from the legs and offered me as many as I wanted. Well, I didn't have room for 200 so I asked for about 24...lol. A couple of month ago I pulled them out of the storage room, set up my table saw, cut out the drawer fronts and doors, sanded all the finish off of them, cut the accent lines with a router bit, and finished them with a natural, satin finish, polyurethane varnish.

I decided that I was going to mount the doors one evening while my wife was working late...just to surprise her. She was ecstatic when she saw them. When I hung the doors I was dressed as Suzi and was wearing my new, long, blonde, human hair wig. Let me tell you, it's hard to hang cabinet doors with all that hair hanging down in your way...lol. I had to get out a fan too. Just today, I offered to take her out to breakfast at IHOP in Tyler. On the way home I swung by my work truck parked at our office and picked up a drill bit and my door/drawer pull template. I meant to pick up some inch and a half screws for the drawers, but forgot...that's why you don't see any pulls on the drawers...grrr. At least the holes are drilled and ready for the screws when I remember to bring them home...hopefully tomorrow.

The total cost of what you see was a little less than $500. I could have spent less but didn't realize I had some of the lumber I needed in the storage room. The cabinet is about 10'6" long. If you hired a cabinet shop to build them...a plumber to install the sink...a painter to finish the wood, that cabinet would easily cost several times what it cost me. That $500 includes the new sink and faucet set which together cost over $300...lol. It sure helps to be able to do these thing myself. I don't mind doing them if she doesn't mind waiting. Sometimes she gets a little frustrated because it's all going so slow, so I have to remind her that work on the house will never be done. My only problem is that I'm a very poor plumber and most of the problems I have with the house involve plumbing. Sigh...that figures, right?

My next project...according to the boss...is to do the upper cabinets. If you look closely, you might be able to see part of the bottom edge of the existing uppers. Boy are they sorry looking. They must have 5 or 6 coats of old paint on them. The base cabinet looked just as bad before I tore it out. When we first moved into this house, the entire kitchen...walls, ceiling, and cabinets were all painted with the same Granny Smith Apple glossy green enamel. The same was true in the bathroom. It made my jaws squirt saliva every time I walked in the room.

Well, I guess that's enough therapy for one day. I know you transitioning ladies find it therapeutic to pour out your journey onto your blogs. I hope this little diversion will help you take your mind off those troubles, even if for a few minutes. I find that when I do even the smallest thing to spruce up the house, my wife feels a therapeutic effect...lol...and that's a good thing for Suzi ;)

I AM WHAT I AM

2009-07-26T14:00:00.003-05:00

I enjoyed this article by Michael Ledeen.

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and (God's) grace to me was not without effect." (1 Corinthians 15:10)

Early in my ministry career I was a college chaplain and often spoke at youth retreats. On one such occasion I was traveling from Chicago to Seattle with two college students who were to provide music. We were on United Airlines which at that time scheduled flight attendants to work together for an entire month. Somewhere over South Dakota the crew announced that because this was the last day of their working together, they were going to celebrate by holding a talent contest for passengers. The winner would receive a bottle of champagne.

Bob, one of my musician companions, immediately pulled his guitar down from the overhead luggage bin and went to the front of the plane with a handful of other hopefuls. I knew the others had no chance — none — against this extraordinarily talented young man with a flair for performance.

The passengers on our DC-10 were treated to a series of lame jokes and old songs crooned badly — and then Bob. He sang a peppy song he had written using invented words that was a hit at every youth retreat. He engaged his audience at 35,000 feet and soon had them singing his nonsense syllables with gusto. Returning to his seat at the rear of the plane to loud applause, grinning from east to west, Bob proudly displayed his bottle of champagne. "What else could I do?" he said. "I am what I am — an entertainer!"

It's a great mercy to be able to accept the circumstances and opportunities — and limitations — which make up my life in this moment. To receive and work within them, not lamenting that they are not stronger…or other…than they are right now — this is the meaning of living by grace. I am what I am. Greater still is the mercy of hope, the ability to embrace my sample of life while looking forward to what's next. It's not enough to say, "I'm stuck here; I can do no other." Grace is dynamic. Full of hope, I accept with gratitude the circumstances of today, but I live with the promise of tomorrow. I'm becoming what I ought to be.

A young man whose body and speech were severely affected by cerebral palsy spoke at a meeting I attended. "What you see is a handicapped person," he said. "I am what I am. But in here," he continued, pointing to his head, "I'm All-Star second baseman, turning double plays and headed to the Hall of Fame." I was moved. Grace is not without effect.

HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME

2009-05-31T17:03:00.002-05:00

Yep, summertime is rapidly approaching. It's almost time for Suzi to go into hibernation. Unlike bears and such, I hibernate in the summer and come out into the world in the winter. I'm not quite ready yet, but it won't be long. When the days climb into the mid 90's and the humidity is chasing the same number, you just won't see that much of me around town for a few months.

For those of you living up North, it doesn't usually cool down much here until mid-late October...and it almost NEVER gets what YOU would call cold. This spring has been much cooler and more pleasant than normal, and I'm enjoying every single minute of it. Last summer, Lindsay and I went on our first GWO (girl's weekend out), in August...in Dallas. Now Dallas is not the most humid place on Earth by any stretch of the imagination but it sure can get hot there in August. I'm not talking Phoenix, Arizona hot...just VERY hot...lol. Anyone that's been to Phoenix or places like it know what I'm talking about. 110+ is not that unusual there in August.

You see, Suzi is a big girl. I sometimes wonder if the "read looks" I get, on rare occasions, are just people taking a second look at "the biiiig girl." Almost nobody believes me when I tell them I weigh about 270. I'm somewhere between 5'9 and 5'10...I haven't measure my height in a long time but I know gravity is taking it's toll. Believe me, I create some radical gravity for my bones and joints to support.

I'm a carpenter by trade and I've worked outside in the elements for over 35 years. You'd think that after so many years of working in the heat that I'd get used to it. Nope. I can always count on at least 2-3 months of body cleansing SWEAT sessions. Sorry ladies...it just wouldn't be right to call it perspiration. Perspiration is that glisten you see on a woman's forehead when she has just finished running 3 miles in the scorching sun. If she accidentally raises her arms over her head to catch her breath, you might see a little wet spot under each arm...that's perspiration. No, what I'm talking about is those days when I take two t-shirts to work. When one is completely soaking wet with sweat, I take it off, wring it out, spread it out on the hood of my work truck, and don the clean, dry one. With the sun hitting the wet shirt directly, it will usually dry in half an hour or less. When the weather is really hot and sticky, I might have to swap shirts 2-4 times a day. It's not unusual for me to drink a couple of gallons of water during my 8 hours at work. Then, when I get home, I drink at least another half a gallon, sometimes closer to a gallon, before bedtime...and maybe pee once all day. The amazing thing is how cleaned out your system gets when you sweat like that. After a week of heavy sweating, I can lay that wet t-shirt on the hood of the truck, dry it out, and it is completely odor free. It smells like it just came out of the dryer...or rather doesn't smell at all.

Yeah, I got just a small taste of what is coming this past Saturday. I dressed in the comfy and relatively cool outfit in this picture and headed to Tyler. During the summer months I try to plan my trips so I spend as little time as necessary in the car. I sometimes carry a digital thermometer in my car to keep tabs on the temperature of the air in my A/C ducts. When it begins to warm a little too much, I know it's time to add some more Freon. On many occasions, when I get into my car after work, the thermometer will show it's as much as 157 degrees in there. Even when I'm only in the store for an hour or whatever, the temperature can get WAY over 100. The A/C in my car is not working right. I think there is a fresh air duct that is trapped open and it lets in too much warm outside air to mix with the cold air. The car doesn't have time to cool down when puddle jumping between stores so I keep the route tight. I have to live from air conditioned building to air conditioned building. After a couple of stops, my big body is beginning to create a lot of internal heat just from walking around. The fact that I have to wear a bra and a wig makes it worse. A wig is like wearing a ski cap in the summertime...lol. You dissipate more heat through your head than any other part of your body. Wigs act like insulation that keeps the heat in...as does the bra and inserts. So, in an hour or so, I'm beginning to feel a little "perspiration" building on my forehead. When I reach this stage I have to find someplace cool to sit down for a few minutes. Another strategy I've incorporated during the hot season is to eat just a light breakfast and basically fast the rest of the day except for keeping a thermos of ice water in the car for in-between meal snacks. Now that's what you call eating light. I could stand to do that a lot more.
Heat or no heat, I was determined to go see the new Terminator movie. I arrived shortly after the first showing started so I had to kill an hour or so. It just so happens that Kohl's is only one block away so I made my normal pilgrimage there. I bought a pretty set of earrings after not finding any clothing I was excited about. By then it was close enough to show time so I went back to the movie theater. Kohl's is so close to the movie theater that I didn't even get too hot during the short drive back. I bought my ticket and made a quick trip to the ladies room before the movie started. I was sitting in the 4th seat from the aisle and two guys sat down in the first two seats, leaving one empty between us. One guy kept peeking over at me. I could see him checking me out from the corner of my eye, but every time I would kinda turn my head toward him he'd look away...lol. It was like peek-a-boo with a two year old.

This Terminator movie was so different from the others. It was good but not as good...at least to me. It was very dark, almost like a Batman movie or something. There was little color in the filming. I guess they were trying to portray the desperate atmosphere of a post-apocalyptic time.

Shortly after the movie started I noticed the A/C in the room was working because I could actually feel the cool air descending from the ceiling. What's amazing is that by half way through the movie, I was shivering from the cold. Pretty soon I've got my legs crossed at the ankles, and my arms folded close to my body to keep warm. At least I didn't fall asleep during the movie. I'd rather be a little too cool anytime, as opposed to being too warm.

After the movie, I headed to my car which I strategically parked so that while I was in the movie, the sun would be going down behind the theater and I would be parked in the shade. It was a balmy 105 in the car, which the A/C was able to handle easily. From the movie, I headed to Macy's to check out the non-existent sales. What a waste of time. It seems the department stores are kinda between seasons right now. They're not selling much summer stuff and they can't afford to overstock with new inventory during this recession. They seem to be waiting for Fall stuff to arrive...Me?...I'm just waiting for FALL to arrive...lol. When Fall reaches East Texas, we still have another month of fairly warm weather. From Macy's I was going to stop by Catherine's but they were locking the door to the store when I drove up. So, I let go of the reins on my trusty steed and it took me back home. I would have stayed out later...maybe gone out to eat or something, but I needed to get home and prepare my Sunday School lesson for the next day's class. I knew it would only take an hour or two but I had a few other things to take care of too.

All in all, the day was successful. The only kink in the day was while I was getting dressed at home. I was sitting in my easy chair. I had my nails on and about 90% of my face was made up. I was not dressed yet either. I was right in the middle of putting on mascara and I see a shadow climbing the two steps to my front door. I hear someone beating on the door and I go into semi-panic mode. I recognized the pounding...my SON...lol. I got up as quickly as I could and went to the back bedroom jerking off nails as fast as I could. He kept pounding. I rushed into the bathroom, grabbed a facial cleaner pad and quickly wiped off my eye makeup. He kept pounding. I went to the Kitchen door and yelled, "Who is it?" Finally he said "me!" I said I had to get dressed and I'd be there in a minute. Well, about that time his huge black lab came wandering into the room where I was. This told me he was int the house so I took off to the bedroom and jerked on some jeans, a t-shirt, and my shoes (since my toenails are painted). I go back to the living room where he's sitting and we start chatting. All that time, my makeup bag is lying on the floor right by my easy chair, and my black bra is sitting on the couch right next to him...lol. I saw him look at the makeup kit a time or two but he never let on that anything seemed suspicious to him. He picked up his mail, chatted a while and left...PHEW. Next time I'll remember to lock the front door when I'm in the living room getting dressed. Oh well, what's a day of being Suzi if there's not some kind of excitement. Last week it was the wardrobe malfunction of my bra. Now I can't wait till my next dressing day. :)Suzi

MEMORIAL DAY OUTING

2009-05-26T20:09:00.001-05:00

First off...please don't read anything unusual into the word "outing" in my title...lol. This is "outing" as in a trip I made to Dallas for the day.

Yep, my poor wife had to work on Memorial Day. Oh well, what's a girl like me going to do about that sad situation? Well, I don't suppose it would come as a surprise to anyone that I dove into the first telephone booth I could find and out popped Suzi. The picture above is what I decided to wear for the day...at least until I changed my mind...which was like 5 minutes after taking the pictures. Oh well, other women have been known to change their minds at the last minute too...like my wife . It's different when I do it though. Anyway, I decided to swap the tan Capri's for my denim Capri's. The denim ones look cuter with that top. Sorry, no picture to prove it.

My first stop was at Tanger Outlet Mall in Terrell, Texas. It's one of my favorite places because they have a Dress Barn, Lane Bryant, Claire's, and a chocolate shop. I didn't buy any chocolate this time though...it was too hot and I knew it would just be a big mess of runny chocolate in a few minutes if left in a hot car...which was to occur several times that day.

I still can't believe it, but I didn't buy anything at the outlet mall that day. You see, I'm still saving my pennies for a new wig. I've been saving for about 8 or 9 months now and I've just about got what I need...so I don't need to be dipping into that fund just for a new top or something. Now, if they had some incredible 80% off little item...something I felt I couldn't live without, then maybe...just MAYBE I would have bought it. But, that's kind of the way I am when I have a goal. I can hear my wife now..."now if she would only start saving like that to buy something to fix up the house...(sorry dear...in due time, I promise).

So, unburdened by packages, I mounted my great black steed (my car for those of you with dirty minds) and headed on to Dallas...about 40 more miles down the road.

My next stop was at Sam's Club to get some gas. I planned the stop because it was right next door to Fry's Electronics...one of my other favorite places to shop and not buy anything. I stuck the gas nozzle into the tank and in the process, I knocked the gas cap up under the car...grrr......I hate it when that happens. I went ahead and filled the tank and put the nozzle back in it's holster on the pump. There were several other cars getting gas close by but I didn't care. I opened the car door, released the emergency brake, popped the standard shift stick into neutral, and put my shoulder to the door frame. I effortlessly moved the car several feet (easy since I weigh almost as much as the car), and rescued the gas cap.

I started the car and drove the 100 yards to Fry's parking lot. I know you won't believe this, but just as I pulled up, someone backed out and I took his parking place which was pretty close to the front door. Wow, talk about a fortuitous day. Just think, if that gas cap had not rolled up under the car, I would have finished filling the car 30-60 seconds earlier and I would have driven right by that still filled slot. I probably would have been so far away that I would have had to shoo away the cows on my trek to the building.

Now comes the funny part. I still don't know how it happened, but my left bra strap came unhooked somewhere between pushing the car and entering the building. The strap is one of those that has two parts, the front and back. One part has three holes in it and the other has a little hook...like a regular bra hook. Somehow, the hook got knocked out of it's hole and the front of the bra began to sag slowly as I walked to the building. I still wasn't sure what the problem was. I just knew the bra felt funny...like something was out of place. I played with it a little as I walked to the building but it just got worse. By the time I walked through the entrance, I finally figured out what had happened. So I'm walking into the store...being greeted by teenage boys with my left boob sagging about three inches lower than the right one. I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking...lol. I knew the ladies room was just inside the entrance so I headed straight for it.

Did I say I was having a fortuitous day? Well, as I walked toward the hall that led to the ladies room, I noticed that an employee had the path blocked with two shopping carts. I stood there for a few seconds and watched him move the cart so a man could get by. A couple of men went in and a couple came out. But he kept pushing the carts back to block the way. So, being brave little Suzi I walked up to him and asked him if the ladies room was open. He politely said, "no ma'am, it's closed." No explanation or indication of how long it would be closed. Now I'm stuck with a sagging boob and no place to go to repair the situation. So, I did my best to discretely pull the front strap up a little and I walked around the store for about 5-10 minutes. I began to get kinda desperate though so I worked my way back over to the hallway and he was gone...and so were the carts. Phew...finally. So, I went into the ladies room and found a roomy stall next to the wall. There was nobody else in there, which I was glad about. Of course that lasted about one minute. First I hung my purse on the door hook. Then I had to take off my wig and I hung it on the door hook too...over the purse. THEN, I had to take off my top...and hung it on the hook too. This hook was really getting a workout. Little did it know its workout was just beginning. Next I had to take out my very sizable boobs which weigh about a pound each. I had to stuff them in my purse. I can almost hear the hook groaning by now. Can you imagine if that hook fell off? Imagine all the stuff that would spread all over the ladies room...my purse full of makeup and stuff, my wig, and my top. But then the coup d'gras...my big boobs would undoubtedly go rolling right out in the main room where someone would step on them with heels, and Blue Ice would go shooting all over the ladies room. OMG...I'm sweating just thinking about it. But, no such nightmare occurred. I managed to get everything back in working order while ladies were coming and going constantly. Of course they all waited until I was in the middle of being undressed before they began coming in. When I finally finished getting dressed, I was the only one there again. So, I took my time, checked my look, brushed my hair, hitched up my panties and back to the store I went.

My main reason for going to this store was to look for a new small jambox type radio to listen to at work. Dust and dirt finally ruined my other one. I didn't find anything I wanted so I headed back to the car...everything still in working order. Now, don't get ahead of me or assume anything. Everything stayed put the rest of the day.

As I left the parking lot, I decided I would stop by Sonic which was virtually in the same parking area. I ordered a large strawberry limeade. Yep, my fortuitious day continued because it was about 3:45...still in the happy hour time for half price drinks. My large strawberry limeade only cost me $.93. I was feeling so good that I told the carhop girl to keep the change...lol.

My final stop for the day was at JC Penny's in a mall on the way home. I shopped and shopped and shopped...but didn't buy anything. Their jewelry racks were almost barren for some reason. I couldn't find what I wanted in the clothing section either. But, as usual, I enjoyed rubbing elbows with the other ladies, around the sales racks.

The traffic on I-20 was very heavy. I guess everyone was heading back home after visiting the big city...just like me.

One other nice thing about this day trip...it's only 4 days until Saturday when I get to do it again...God willing and the creek don't rise...and my wife's work schedule doesn't change. You see, she was originally supposed to be off. Those are the breaks hon. .

I hope you all had a great Memorial Day too. I, for one, appreciate the sacrifices and hard work of all our military personel. Thank you to everyone that has served, is serving now, or is in some way involved in the lives of those who serve. God bless every one of you.

the ROSE

2009-05-10T08:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday (Saturday the 10th) my wife and I walked through the Tyler Rose Garden in Tyler, Texas. It's hard to express the beauty of this place. It's free to the public and is kept in immaculate condition all year. Of course the roses only bloom when it's time for them to bloom.

To walk through the garden, you first have to go through the main building. Inside is a gift shop and a museum of past Rose Parades. Every year there is a rose festival here and they crown a new Rose Queen. The gowns are stunning and the pomp of the ceremony is majestic.

As you exit the main entry building, you walk out onto a huge patio that is about 20feet above the main garden. You can look out over the entire garden and the scene is breathtaking. You can see the whole layout of the garden and decide where you would like to start. No matter where you start you are surrounded by every variety of rose you can think of...and some you probably never knew existed. The roses are in raised beds and you walk on beautiful, green grass pathways.

As we walked through the garden, I could feel a blog coming on. You simply get overwhelmed by the beauty surrounding you, and the faint, but almost emotionally charged scent of so many roses close by.

Every variety was beautiful in its own way. As you approach a bed of beautiful roses, you begin to see the real story behind their existence. You see so much more up close than you do from the high patio. Up close, you see roses in every stage of growth. You see tiny buds that are reaching for the sky but still unopened. You see buds that are just beginning to open. Their future is filled with innocent expectations. Your eye is naturally drawn to those buds that have reached their full glory. They have thrown open their life for the world to see...and the world marvels...but only for a short time. You see...there are also many buds that no longer have petals to show the world. They have passed their prime and no longer draw ooh's and ahh's from passersby. But their glory still manages to live on a little longer. All those beautiful petals fall to the ground to adorn the grass pathway.

If you look at the picture above, you see roses in all stages...from early, unopened buds, to those that are just about ready to start adorning the pathways with their petals. I see a microcosm of our community...every stage of our journey shown in one picture. Everyone of you is a beautiful rose, whether you are just now discovering how special you are, or if you have been able to bring your life to a new stage of congruity and closure. Every variety of rose has its own beauty...it's own character...it's own uniqueness.

I hope each and every one of you will be able to look at yourself and feel how valuable and beautiful you are to the one that created you. Not a single petal will fall from your bloom without that creator knowing about it, and caring. Your existence is special and beautiful. Your hearts are so loving, tender, and soft. Never forget that you are one of the most beautiful creations on earth. Your value is beyond that of gold. Open up and bloom for the world to see. Show them the beauty you possess inside. Listen to "the Rose" by Bette Midler and be encouraged that everything will be alright...that you will bloom and become the Rose. I know I was encouraged by my walk through the beautiful garden. This is my attempt to share that feeling with you and hopefully help you see the incredible value in your life as you seek to share your inner beauty with the world.

:)Suzi

P.S. Be sure and check my flikr photostream for a select few of many, many pictures I took at the rose garden.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9557687@N08/

GWO III APRIL '09

2009-04-30T21:10:00.003-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This blog is very long and may be hazardous to your health…especially if you are prone to falling asleep in church, on the couch in front of the TV, or when reading a boring novel. The author will not be responsible if you allow your face to fall in your plate of food while reading this.

CAUTION: This blog may potentiate the effect of any sleep inducing drugs you may be taking. Take at your own risk or with doctor’s approval only. Author is not responsible for any sleep deprivation caused by your insistence on reading this in one sitting. Otherwise…you’re on your own baby!

Last weekend Lindsay and I embarked on our third GWO…girl’s weekend out. Lindsay doesn’t get to dress very often and her public appearances are even rarer. We have become great friends over the last year or so, and these GWO’s are amazing opportunities to spend time together dressed in the big city.

What was that old commercial...the one where Carley Simon was singing “Anticipation?” It seems like the actors were waiting for ketchup to come out of the bottle or something. Well, that describes my whole week before GWO. In Tyler, I was busy helping remodel a couple of ancient business spaces. I’m thinking these spaces are close to 100yrs old. It became my job, for three days, to work by myself tearing out the old wood floor. There were two layers of center matched flooring, running perpendicular to each other. There was at least 50 years of dust stored in the cracks of that flooring and between the layers. Within one hour I looked like a chimneysweep. It took me three days of popping boards with a crowbar and then throwing them into a 40 cubit yard dumpster, to complete the last half of the job. It’s amazing I could get it done so quickly because all I could think about was getting out of that nasty, dusty, dirty, filthy, smelly jobsite, and get on my way to Dallas. I could barely wait to get cleaned up, shaved, deodorized, made up, dressed up, and smellin’ like Beautiful by Estee’ Lauder. Luckily for me, I actually finished a couple of hours early so I had time to head home and get cleaned up before our trip. Lindsay would never have allowed me to get in her truck, looking like I did. About 4pm, we met up and I loaded my bags into the truck. Off we went into the sun…BigD on the horizon.

We checked into a Residence Inn on I-35, just north of downtown. We stayed there last GWO and we loved the room. Big, comfortable king sized bed in a separate room with rolling French door dividers, two flat screen TV’s, a full kitchen, a living room with free internet access, and a nice bathroom with only ONE mirror. Oh well…the closet doors were full length mirrors, so it was ok. I’m just sayin’! I never met or even heard of a woman that takes four…count ‘em…FOUR hours to get ready…lol. Lindsay wasn’t feeling the best when we got there so she had to wait for her stomach to settle down. She has diverticulosis that acts up sometimes. She suggested just taking it easy for the evening and we could go out to eat a little later. Finally she began to feel a little better but she decided to just go to dinner in drab. I mean…in 4 hours it would be about 2am…lol. I told her I was going to go ahead and dress in Suzi Lite since I didn’t even bring any drab clothes except my ball cap and a t-shirt…lol. So I dressed and put on some light makeup and off we went. We headed out in the truck and Lindsay asks…”where do you want to eat?” I said, “I don’t care…wherever you want.” We went back and forth like that for about an hour as we drove around looking for something that appealed to us both. Eventually, we ended up about 10 miles away at a Cheddar’s…lol. I told Lindsay I liked their sirloin steak so she decided to try one.

I really like going out with a man. It gives me a feeling of completion as a woman. I pass well by myself, but with a man who poses as my husband or boyfriend, the feeling is so relaxing. As we sat in our booth, the waitress came up and said, “how are you folks tonight?” I loved being called “folks”. It gave me a feeling of total acceptance as a woman. I was totally at ease in there. Lindsay and I are only a few years apart in age. In drab, Lindsay has gray hair and a very distinguished look. I look fat and old, so we go together well…lol. I was a little worried about going Lite so I asked Lindsay how I looked. She complimented me and said I looked very good that way. Sigh…but I so love putting on makeup.

After dinner, we drove around town and checked out Greenville Avenue…the bar, club, restaurant scene in Dallas. I would like to just get out and walk around there some Saturday night. All five senses would be filled with the hustle-bustle of the street. I rolled down the window just so I could hear the music and smell the restaurants. Every restaurant had outdoor patios that were filled to capacity that night. It was very interesting. Since we ate so late, the evening was gone and morning was coming on so we headed back to the room and hit the sack.

As usual, I was up by about 5am the next morning. Lindsay wanted me to wake her at 8…lol. I made some coffee and checked my email and looked at wigs online. It was still early so I showered, shaved, deodorized, and splashed on my Avon Aromatherapy after bath Splash. After another cup of coffee, I decided to go ahead and get my makeup on in preparation for the day. No hurry…Lindsay would be sacked out for another hour and then the 4 hour wait while she gets ready. So, I put on my makeup and got dressed. I settled for leather sandals by SAS, blue jean Capri’s and a magenta knit top with long sleeves (hot). Lindsay got up around 7:30 and complained about not sleeping well. I thought maybe she needed something to eat so I headed over to the Continental breakfast by the pool. I just walked through, got my food, and carried it back to the room. Nobody seemed to care that I was all made up at 7:30...on a Saturday. Well, Lindsay wasn’t really feeling well enough to eat just yet…so I ate it…granola, a banana, half-pint of milk, and a bagel. That’s ok though…she started feeling better after she got dressed and ready to go…4 hours later! By the time we left, I was ready to eat again, so we ate breakfast at Denny’s…about 12:30pm…sheesh…lol.

At long last it was time to go shopping. Lindsay expressed a desire to check out Penny’s so we headed to Valley View Mall. We spent a good deal of time in Penny’s looking at jewelry, dresses, sleepwear, etc. I bought a couple of bracelets and a cute pink nitie with little black dots on it. Lindsay stocked up on some bras and panties. I finished shopping first and Lindsay was busy trying on items, so I told her I was going to Lane Bryant’s, which was just outside the entrance to Penny’s. By this time, my breakfast was beginning to kick in and my body heat was building under that long sleeved top. I began to perspire so I decided to just go sit on a bench just outside Lane Bryant’s. As I sat there cooling off, a middle-aged lady came struggling up the staircase right in front of me. She was carrying a huge bag with a newly purchased laundry hamper in it, plus her purse and another bag on her other arm. She was winded so she sat down by me on the other end of the bench and started talking…lol. She was really sweet. We chatted about her kids, etc. Eventually, she asked me, “Are you a single lady?” I told her no, that I was still happily married after 33 years. I told her I was visiting Dallas with a friend, to do some shopping. After several minutes of conversation, she said goodbye and went on about her business. I know she accepted me as a woman and it really made me feel great. It was just so enjoyable to sit there and have a conversation woman to woman.

Little did I know I was in for another great experience as Lindsay and I left the mall and headed to Mimi’s Wig Boutique. You can actually see their website if you go to www.wigs.com . I’ve been saving my money for about 8 months now, in anticipation (there’s that word again) of perhaps buying a human hair wig. I have done some research into the advantages and disadvantages of human hair wigs so I’m not just going into this blind. The expense is much greater…I know that. But what I’m looking for is that feeling of reality. I want to experience, as closely as possible, having real woman’s hair. I know, synthetic wigs are as realistic looking as human hair wigs. But, there is no mistaking the different feel of human hair. I’ve asked advice on this subject in blogs before but I’m still desirous of being as close to the real thing as I can get. I still am not 100% sure that I will ultimately buy the human hair wig but I would in a heartbeat if money was no object. Unfortunately, money IS a big consideration.

Remember above I said “perhaps” buying a human hair wig. Well, we went in and a saleslady jumped on us like a chicken on a June bug. I was fairly sure she knew right off the bat that we were TG but she never let on about it for one second. She was very professional, and helpful. One problem though…they don’t even carry human hair wigs. I have found that to be true in lots of wig shops. I guess the price difference is just not tenable with most patrons. Lindsay also sought some help and the same saleslady showed her some nice wigs. Neither of us bought anything but we thanked her, accepted her business card and off we went. This stop was highlighted by total acceptance, but of a different kind. Whereas the woman in the mall had no idea I was TG, I’m sure the wig lady did know. But it made no difference…a totally different kind of acceptance, but acceptance just the same.

We headed into central Dallas county and I begged Lindsay to find a Sonic so I could get a big strawberry limeade. I know we had seen at least a half a dozen Sonics as we drove around earlier, but now that I wanted one, they were nowhere to be found. Eventually, I told Lindsay to exit because I saw an SAS shoe store I wanted to check out. We went inside and a sweet, middle-aged, black lady came up to wait on us. She was just so friendly, outgoing, helpful, and even personal with us. I felt like I was talking to a long lost friend. I told her we just happened to see the store but were really looking for a Sonic. She immediately began to tell us where they were, in the area. Her next statement was something like. “I just wish they would get some decent chicken restaurants around here.”…lol. She offered us $.10 cokes and free popcorn as we shopped. Lindsay tried on a pair of sandals. If you’ve never worn SAS shoes, you should give them a try…especially if you have up to size 12ww women’s feet. Their shoes are so comfortable, you can wear them all day without stress or pain…something important to me…a person with two bunions, a fallen arch, and a bad right knee…lol. I just know this woman totally accepted us as women. I almost hugged her when she told us about her being so tired. Instead I just gave her the woman’s touch on the arm and reassured her it would be ok. I too was reassured later when she returned the touch as we began to leave. I hated to say goodbye to my new friend.

Our next stop was Larger Than Life…a resale shop that Lindsay told me about some time back. This would be my third visit there. Another TG friend of mine told me that the original owners of the store were selling it to her friend…who is also TG. Hmmm…interesting. I never actually asked anybody in the store about the matter. Lindsay and I shopped for awhile and didn’t find anything we wanted to buy, so we left the store. Our experience shopping there was totally comfortable…the ladies were so friendly and offered help. I had no idea if they knew we were TG or not. However, in retrospect it was obvious that they did. Here’s why: As Lindsay and I sat in the truck, preparing to leave, one of the ladies in the store came out to the truck and introduced herself. Suddenly, we realized that she knew we were TG because she began to talk about the Tri-Ess meeting that evening. Apparently she was going to open her store to the group after her regular store hours. She just thought we were there early to get in on the hunt for bargains…lol. Then she told us her husband is TG and it all began to make sense. This was the wife of the TG lady I mentioned earlier. She was so sweet, accepting, and helpful. She even offered to let us look some more after hours and if we wanted, the group would probably let us go out to eat with them afterwards, at a local Mexican restaurant. I was floored at her generosity and obviously loving heart toward TG’s. I was sitting there, needing to dab my tear filled eyes. I’m not very experienced at how to do that without spreading mascara from ear to ear. The conversation was heartwarming. Again…total acceptance, but not as a GG woman, but just for being who I am…a TG woman. The lady then went back into the store and we sat there trying to decide what we wanted to do next. About that time a car pulled up and parked right next to us. Lindsay said it looked like a couple of CD’s showing up for the shopping spree. They were CD but they did look passable and were dressed very casually. They got out of their car and went into the store. We were just about to leave when one of the ladies came back out of the store and walked up to our window, introduced herself, and told us what was going on. She also invited us to go out to eat with the group. We declined but had a good conversation with her for a few minutes. It was nice to finally meet other TG ladies out in the world, just being themselves, and enjoying life.

After driving around a bit, Lindsay asked where I wanted to eat dinner. Of course I said, “wherever you would like.” So, back and forth we went again…lol. Eventually we decided to hit our favorite Olive Garden which is back close to the motel. I asked Lindsay if we could go back to the room so I could shed the hot, long-sleeved top and put on something cooler. I shed the top, even though I had finally cooled down. I slathered on another layer of Lady Speed Stick, Orchard Blossom deodorant and slipped into my light, white, loose, airy, cotton top. Off we went again. As we entered Olive Garden the hostess greeted us with “good evening ladies…how many?” Lindsay squeaked out “two.” Our waiter was a very young man…late teens-early twenties. He never called us ladies or ma’am, so I suspect that he knew we were CD/TG…or whatever term he was passing back and forth in his mind. I will give him kudos…he remained professional and I hope Lindsay gave him a good tip…she grabbed the tab this time.

We left Olive Garden and proceeded to look for a liquor store and someplace for Lindsay to find some Sominex. She bought us a six pack of beer but we had to go elsewhere for the Sominex. It was not that late but Lindsay was ready to head back to the room and relax. I decided to try out my new nitie so I tried it on and liked it. Before long, the lack of sleep from the night before was beginning to catch up with me so I hit the hay about 10:30pm. Lindsay got on her computer and the last time I looked, she was still up about 1:15am…lol. Good grief, no wonder she sleeps so late…a typical night owl.

Originally, we had planned to get up in time to get dressed, have breakfast, and go to church dressed. Lindsay had heard of a very TG friendly church in the area and wanted to go. I liked the idea too. One of my goals is to go to church and worship my God as Suzi. Perhaps it’s no big thing to many of you, but it would be to me. I fought guilt over being TG for 57 years. I have finally shed my heart of that emotion and I just want to express my feelings and thanks to God in a special way…dressed as Suzi. I got up early as usual. I put on my black flared skirt and the new black and white top I bought a few months ago. I feel so pretty when I wear that outfit, and I wanted to look my best when I presented Suzi to God. Lindsay had put together a beautiful, springtime, outfit and wanted to wear that to church. She looked the church up online and it had a link to one of their past services so you could see what it was like. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression but the church pews were completely filled with gay men couples. I don’t remember seeing a single female in the whole congregation with the exception of one of the worship leaders that I think is FtM Ts. Again, I don’t want anyone to jump to conclusions and think that we’re homophobic…that’s just not the case. We just felt like we would be a distraction there and so we decided to skip church. Heck, there’s just no way Lindsay could ever get ready in time anyway…lol. She’d have to get up about 4am…or stay up all night…one or the other.

Well, what were we going to do? I got up at my usual 6am or so and started my usual predressing routine of shower, shave, deodorize, and makeup. I decided I wanted to get some pics of me dressed in my outfit so I went ahead and dressed. As I waited on Lindsay to finish her beauty sleep, I decided to go get some Continental breakfast again. The dining room was full of people eating breakfast with their eyes half open. One guy opened his eyelids and lost a quart of blood. Most of them were barely dressed…shorts, flip-flops, tank tops, and ball caps. I did my best to use my peripheral vision to see if I was being checked out…I was. You know how it is…you think someone is looking at you so you turn your eyes to meet theirs…just in time to see theirs finish shifting away from you…lol. I felt several sets of eyeballs doing that. I was tempted to sit down in the breakfast room and eat my breakfast there, but decided to go on back to the room. I didn’t want Lindsay to wake up with me gone and have her thinking I was running off with her truck or something. Again, total acceptance and a great ego booster to go with it…namely, admiration from strangers.

Eventually Lindsay rose from the dead and began the 4 hour ritual again. Actually, I think she somehow pared it down to about 3 this time. Oh, that’s right…she didn’t have to put her nails on. When she finally got dressed, we mounted my camera on her tripod and took some pics. One is posted with this blog. By this time it was early afternoon and time for lunch (glad I made that trip to get breakfast). Again we went through the where do you want to go to eat…I don’t know, where do YOU want to go, routine until we finally settled on Chilli’s. Once again, we were treated extremely well. The waitress was not that much younger than us, but she was so efficient…and nice. I think I remember more than one “ladies” and “ma’ams.” I really think we both passed as well dressed ladies who had just gotten out of church and were just out for lunch together. Well, we planned on going to church…lol…does that count?

Now it got interesting. It was time to go home. We went back to the room and packed everything up. Lindsay’s wife won’t let her dress in East Texas so she always has to return in drab. I, on the other hand, am able to go ahead and dress for the trip home. I don’t know why Lindsay didn’t tell me earlier, but that’s ok. Turns out that she was going to take me back to my car which I left at her place of employment, then she was going BACK to Dallas to spend another night. She lets me know that on Monday she has an appointment to see a therapist there in Dallas. I didn’t know whether to slap her or hug her…lol. Nah…I was surprised, but not shocked. She had tried an online therapist but felt this face to face meeting would be more helpful. She recently confirmed that to be the case, and is planning another session. Anyway, on the way home, we stopped at a small outlet mall on I-20, just like we did last GWO. This time I was wearing Lindsay’s looooong blonde wig, clipped back into a ponytail. I was wearing tan shorts, sandals, and a green top (seen in my main profile pic). For the first time in my dressing career, I felt kinda cute. I love ponytails and wish I had my very own but this was certainly the next best thing. We shopped in Lane Bryant’s and walked down the sidewalk for a few minutes. I made the mistake of not buying some chocolate at the chocolate store, for my wife…lol. I won’t make that mistake again though…because I LOVE chocolate too :)

On the way home, a new Tg friend of ours called me on my cell phone and we talked for about 45 minutes. She was having some difficulty making decisions in her life and I tried to lay it out for her as best I could. Finally, we were back at my car so I unloaded everything then loaded it right back into my car. I wanted to give Lindsay a goodbye hug but that would be a no-no at that time and place…lol.

As I drove home I called my wife to let her know that I would be home in 45 minutes…looking all cute. I spent the rest of the evening dressed just like I was…savoring the precious moments and hours as Suzi…contemplating the success of our third GWO. The acceptance we received on several different levels was appreciated and meant a lot to us both. As usual, the really hard part was contemplating getting up early the next morning and heading off to some sweaty, dirty, male type job…lol.

The next morning, as I drove to work on my normal back road path, I thanked God once again for providing me with work. Then I began to think back on something that happened before we ventured out for our GWO. I was on my way to work that Friday and the day was dawning in the east. I asked God to bless our trip…to keep us safe, and to help Lindsay find joy in this rare chance to get out and express that feminine part of her life. In retrospect, I see that God certainly DID bless us. He gave us safety, and he gave us acceptance. Sometimes people knew we were TG…other times they did not. But I never felt looked down upon or hated. This trip, though basically the same as our others, I feel, was the most rewarding yet. As usual, we both can’t wait for GWO IV.

:)Suzi

GUILT ON THE RUN

2009-04-20T17:37:00.005-05:00

I have to admit it...I've been feeling a bit guilty lately. My wife has been working like 80 hour weeks for the past couple of weeks and I've been slacking with 40. She works for Hobby Lobby and they just moved their store to a better location across from the local mall. She's been going to work at 7am and getting home about 9pm...7days a week except Easter. And what does Suzi do? She gets up early Saturday morning, fixes the wife some breakfast, watches her stumble around in a fog, preparing for work. I kiss her goodbye, shut the door, and hit the shower. Ok, everything's all shaved nice and smooth, I'm dried off and I drench myself in some Avon, aromatherapy after-shower splash. I put on some Orchard Blossom deodorant and go through the rest of my ritual of makeup, nails, clothing, and hair.
I find myself thinking of all the great things I could be doing around the house, like, but not limited to: Attempting to re-open the grease trap drain line...or unclog the tub drain and connect some kind of field line to drain the gray water into the yard. Also the lawn mower blades badly need to be sharpened...the kitchen base cabinet needs to have the doors milled, stained, and mounted...oh yeah, the yard now needs to be mowed and weed-eated again. Hmmm...the dishes are piling up again too. Oh well...all these things and many more will still be there when my wife gets back to more normal hours again, so I think I'll just go shopping. Shoo....shoo guilt!
As I think about all the things that need to be done, something else is eating at me at the same time. Summer is just around the corner and it's very hard for a heavy, sweating person like me to function...much less present myself as a light, airy, cool woman to the world. So...there is one and only one option...dress while the weather is still cool enough. Ok...guilt assuaged...never mind the fact that my excuse will be that it's too hot to mow the lawn or work on the grease trap...etc....when it gets to be 95/95...95 degrees and 95% humidity.
I also must admit that I've really enjoyed dressing for the past 6 months or so. I'm still not sure what I'm doing differently, but it just seems that I'm being accepted so much more readily these days. I know, many say that it's not important to be accepted by the public...just get out there and have fun, be who you are, and don't worry what others think. Those that say that just have a totally different personality than I do.
Everyone is different. For me, dressing is not about just having fun. If that were the case, I could just dress at home, watch TV, or blog. Acceptance is everything to me. I have searched my heart and soul, and I have made a unilateral decision not to transition even though that same heart and soul tell me I would, under different life circumstances. Yes, I live to be accepted. In the past, I would go into a store and quite often would be read right off the bat. I would just turn around and walk out, feeling all discouraged and wondering where I went wrong. I remember checking my look carefully at home. I thought I looked good enough to be accepted...but NOOOO. After an experience like that, I was usually skittish about going into that same store again...or ANY store for that matter. When I did venture into a store, I would spend more time on the lookout for "readers" than I would shopping. My low confidence level would keep me from buying anything because, you know how it is...you get trapped in line at the check-out counter and you can't just drop your items on the floor and leave...lol. You have to sweat it out and hope nobody says anything.
Like I said, I don't understand what is different today. I go into stores now and I feel totally accepted. I wander around shopping...rubbing elbows with the other ladies...and having a blast. Quite often, I will make a small-talk comment to someone and they will just talk to me like I'm their long lost girlfriend. The other day a lady strode up to me while I was shopping at Macy's. I was getting a little nervous as she got nearer because she had a bit of a sour look on her face. She sidled right up next to me like she was going to share a secret with me and she said," aren't these the ugliest clothes you've ever seen?" I don't think she even waited to hear my answer because she was just so disgusted she had to leave...lol. I've never felt so accepted in my life. Sometimes, acceptance means nothing more than being ignored. It seems to be the norm in society now that you just don't go around making random eye contact with strangers. It's like everyone wants to be left alone in their own little miserable world. In the past, I've had lots of people break their trance just long enough to look up at me before fading back into their own little world. I can't help but wonder what they are thinking. Are they thinking that I look like the Jolly Green Giant? Do they think I'm the ugliest woman they ever saw? Or do they think I'm a crossdresser? So...if they just ignore me and go about their shopping, I know I'm accepted as a woman.
I've been called ma'am lots of times and still didn't know for sure if I was accepted. I know it's the salesladies' first responsibility to treat everyone the same...so...you just can't ever know for certain what they are thinking. After all, they've probably seen it all.
Yesterday, I had a really fun time shopping at Penny's. They had a great sale going on and I wanted to spend like Obama in there, but didn't. I wandered over to the jewelry section and scoped out the great sales there too. I found three pairs of earrings that would have cost me about $60 or more retail...and I spent about $20 instead. The young lady that checked me out was very sweet. She asked me if I wanted to charge it on my Penny's card...I said no. She asked me if I had one...I said no. I also lied by telling her "my husband will kill me if I bring home another card"...lol. She laughed about it too. Then she told me that my engagement ring was really pretty and I thanked her as sweetly as I could. I paid about $10 for it at Claires...lol. Those CZ's really are nice looking though. If it was a diamond, it would be about 1.5 carats or so. Thing is...I felt accepted. Before the young lady checked me out, I was standing in a different line, behind a lady customer. She had a problem with pricing and the checker had to leave the counter, go to the floor and figure out the problem. The lady in front of me turned around and sweetly apologized. We had a brief conversation about how they need to get their act together on the pricing. It was about that time that the young lady showed up to check me through. Total acceptance again.
I could go on and on about the little acceptance items that have happened lately. But the main point is, I'm beginning to feel accepted everywhere I go and I just don't know why. I'm wearing the same clothes, the same makeup, the same two wigs, the usual jewelry.
About the only thing I can come up with is that perhaps confidence breeds confidence. Feeling acceptance breeds real acceptance somehow. Now that I'm beginning to feel more accepted, I am more confident. Now that I'm more confident, I feel more accepted...or something like that...lol. All I know is that I'm having a blast.
One thing I would like to perfect is the woman's "touch." You know to what I refer...the light touch on the forearm or hand that creates a magical bond between the toucher and the touchee. It's like telling someone they are special to you and they want to share something special with you...so listen closely...this is for YOU and just you. I've never been a touchy/feely type person because I've had to supress it all my life...or so I thought anyway. So, this bonding touch is something that I feel will heal my heart to some degree. My wife has to coax me to just touch her at times. I shouldn't be that way but when you practice the "Cowboy Way" for over 50 years, it's hard to change. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir in many cases. My wife will probably be reading this blog at some point so I have to say Love Ya Hon. :)
I'll be heading to Dallas this coming weekend for another GWO...Girl's Weekend Out...with my friend Lindsay. This will be her first time out since last December...yikes. Wish us luck and be on the lookout for a fun blog when we get back.

SuziWuzi the Doozy of a Floozy

Mixed Bag Weekend

2009-03-30T17:04:00.002-05:00

Well, this weekend was a mixed bag. I managed to get in 8 hours of overtime last week because the church we're working on is anxious for us to get done. Seems they're having to pay $5000 in interest every month until we finish. The week before, I only eeked out 24 hours because the weather turned really rainy and nasty. I've been trying to amass $700 to send to IRS next month and the ovetime will come in handy. So, I was feeling pretty good Friday afternoon when I got home from work. I knew Saturday was coming up and I was planning a day out. The first thing I wanted to do was go back to the church we are working on and partially fulfill one of my goals. I want to attend church as Suzi someday. Well, it so happened that Friday was the first day of a two day rummage sale the church was sponsoring...mere feet from where we were working. All the guys and myself went inside and "rummaged" around for a few minutes. I bought four sets of earrings, one necklace, and a bracelet...all for $6. I made up my mind that since the sale would be going on till 3pm Saturday, that I would go back Saturday as Suzi and go through the clothes too. Everyone greeted me with big "hello's" and "can I help you find anything's." I didn't buy anything but I really enjoyed the atmosphere...and the policeman posted at the door was very nice too...lol.

My day as Suzi was cut short by the knowledge that my wife's car was sitting at the house needing attention. She would need it fixed by Monday for work. The weather was pretty nasty...cloudy, very windy, and about 45 degrees. I bundled up and started working on the car. I hate working on cars and I'm not a mechanic. My only resource is my ability to figure things out. Eventually I decided the alternator was failing and needed to be replaced. I began taking the thing out and was having all kinds of trouble. In the first place, if you don't have hands like a small monkey, you have no chance of reaching half the bolts and wire connections that need to be removed before you can get the alternator out. After 2 hours in the freezing wind my heart and mind were depressed beyond the ability to express. My Suzi time was replaced by a greasy '94 Nissan Sentra with perpetual problems. (I hope to get rid of it and buy something newer before too long...repeat...I HOPE.)

Sunday was a new day though. I awakened to 34 degrees of sunshine and no wind. I knew it would be a nice day in a few hours. First though, I was scheduled to teach our Sunday School class today so my morning was already taken. After church we skipped the pot-luck dinner and headed home because I wasn't sure what I was about to encounter with the car and I HAD to get it going today. Eventually, with the help of my wife's smaller hands, I managed to get the alternator out. Reinstalling it went well and by about 5:30 I felt free again. Oh well...**** happens and you just have to deal with it. I dealt with it and Suzi will just have to wait another week to go out again.

I will be having lots of weekend time for Suzi in the coming three weeks or so. Hobby Lobby where my wife works, is moving to a new store. She will be working 12 hour days...7 days a week until they get moved and set up for their grand opening. Yikes!...it's going to kill her. She will be a bear to live with too...lol. We are a low maintenance couple and such stress is not something we relish or even want in our lives. We deeply value our time together. I will have to become even more thoroughly domesticated. A couple of weeks ago, my friend Lindsay came over to dress at my house. I had invited her to come early so she could meet my wife. Well, I didn't really expect her to because she is a very late riser. But, sure enough, she made it and there I was, in all my radiant glory...still in my nitie, but also sporting warmup bottoms and slippers...lol. Lindsay said, "you look so domesticated." She made that comment as I was washing the dishes.

Anyway, I'm glad the alternator light did not come back on. I'm glad I was able to get it done before midnight. I hope everyone had a great weekend. :)Suzi

OLD BLUE EYES...that would be me

2009-03-22T10:21:00.005-05:00

I just felt like blogging this morning for some reason. There is no earth shaking drama going on in my life to report. I'm feeling happy and blessed today for some reason...not that that's all that unusual, but for some reason I just wanted to say it outloud and write it down...lol.

I love writing blogs but I never know what to say. I've never been one for keeping a daily journal. That seems like it would just be so boring for everyone...I do NOT live an exciting life...lol. I'm not transitioning so I have no news to report in that regard. My wife and I are deeply in love and feel so blessed to have jobs and an old dump of a house to live in, on 7 acres, in a beautiful part of the country. An exciting weekend for us is to go out for breakfast or lunch, take in a movie (on the rare occasion that there's a decent one to see), do our shopping at Sam's club and WallyWorld, then head home to piddle around the house. Boring, right? Wrong. We cherish the time we spend together, no matter what we're doing. About the only thing that would make it more enjoyable would be for my wife to spend time with Suzi instead of just the drab me. But, I hope that will change one day.

At work, my company is still struggling to get some work going. There are jobs in the wings, some bids have been won and are in the "jumping through hoops for the government" stage. In my line of work, I don't get to work on those new jobs until they are mostly finished. I do things like build commercial millwork cabinets, hang doors and hardware, run trim, install laminate countertops, hang toilet partitions in the restrooms, caulk exterior expansion joints, and whatever else needs to be done, including sweep the floors...lol. So, when the boss says "we got the job" I know it will be several months before I'm needed on that particular one. We're closing in on finishing another job and I don't know what will be happening after that. My big boss says he has a few little things for me to do but those things usually are just "make work" items to keep me busy enough that I don't quit.

I still don't know for sure how it happened but I'm stuck with owing the IRS about $700 this year. This came as somewhat of a surprise since we purchased our house in January of '08. We figured we would be paying in enough interest to help cut our taxes downs some. I also paid quite a bit in medical expenses when I had a skin cancer removed last June. I'm making the last payment next month. We've been trying to get out credit cards all paid off and we're closing in on that. It's hard to describe how often I've thought of applying for every card I can get and just maxing them out...you know, get my credit card debt up to 100k or more instead of just the 1k I owe now. I could follow the example of our president and his administration and bail myself out. I've shredded credit offers for up to 40k of unsecured debt, and all I have to do is write a check. I could buy a nice pickup for that. Of couse I wouldn't be able to make the payments...but that's ok these days. No, I choose to do things right. I plan on paying my debts by cutting back on everyday expenses. We don't eat out as often, or at the more expensive restaurants. We go out for breakfast and spend $16 plus tip...lol. That also includes a 10% senior discount. I also drive a 14 yr old car that won't wear out. It's uglier than homemade sin, on the outside. The paint is wearing off and the original black paint job is an ugly shade of yellowish green from all the pollen that has settled on it of late. It's like this every spring though.

I've taken on this "fixer upper" house because I have come to love the spot it sits on...lol. We have great neighbors. We moved here over 20 years ago as renters. How many of you can imagine living in a small (1000sqft), two bedroom frame house, on 7acres...for $150 a month? Well, that's why we rented the place. Over 20 years the rent only went up to $200 a month. I just could not bring myself to go buy a house when this place was practically free. One person told me a place like this would be about $1600 in the Boston area. My only regret is that I wish I had more energy to work on this place. Every stitch of plumbing needs to be dug up and replaced. It's all done wrong. The only thing done right is that it doesn't leak...lol. Our septic tank overflows and the grease trap line is clogged because it's perforated and goes by a big tree...what were they thinking? My 7 acres needs to be mowed but I can't afford the tractor it would take to do the job. The land could be used for hay pasture if it was kept mowed. I'm in the process of building my wife a new set of cabinets for the kitchen. I have the doors and drawer fronts ready to be milled and stained...for the base unit only. Next I'll be trying to find the time, energy, and resources to build the uppers...lol. The fun never stops around here.

What's funny is I really mean that! I look at all the little nagging problems I have in life and I can barely keep from crying...crying because I feel so blessed! Every time I see my wife smiling at me in her playful way...every time she tucks me in bed like a 4 yr old...everytime she gets up early on her day off to make my breakfast and lunch while I get ready for work...every time she calls me at work just to say hi...every time she calls me cutie when she sees me dressed...everytime...everytime...the list goes on and on.

We've had many talks about me being transgendered. I've told her about many of you...the incredible sacrifices you are forced to make in order to transition and be yourself. I've explained that I'm not fully TS. I sometimes wonder if that's really true though. I just don't know what my TG life would be like without my wife...and I hope to never find out. I pray to God that he will allow my wife to die before I do. Life would be so much harder for her, living alone. I'm much more independent...though I'm sure it doesn't sound like it when I describe our relationship.

Well, this blog has gotten longer than I figured. But then, I do tend to be long winded as many of you know. That doesn't make me a blowhard does it?...lol. Oh well, March is a windy month...deal with it. I hope you aren't too disappointed by reading this far and not seeing any earth shaking news, but then, I told you at the beginning it would be pretty tame.

I just want everyone that reads this to know that I do enjoy reading ALL your blogs, no matter how trivial they may seem to you. I love getting to know the different personalities that make up our TG world. I love reading the amazingly parallel paths we all have been down. I love reading good news when another sister successfully completes her transition and attempts to squeeze back into the world as the new and complete person they always felt inside. I also shed lots of tears when I hear heartbreaking news about another marriage needing to break up...when I hear about family, friends, or co-workers that cut off formerly great relationships due to transition. I also want everyone to know that I pray often for all of you...that you can feel complete, whatever that means. I pray that God will help change the hearts of spouses somehow...he's the only one that can do it.

Well, I hope everyone has a great life from this day forth. I've enjoyed every comment, every quick comment, every message, every email, and every IM. I sign off as I listen to "Waiting for a star to fall." A power ballad that always leaves me feeling good. :) Suzi

DOES GOD EXIST?

2009-02-21T10:49:00.003-06:00

From the time I was a young kid I was raised in a Christian atmosphere. I went to church most Sundays and attended the special service held for the younger crowd. I can honestly say I don’t remember one single word of teaching from those services. My dad openly professed agnosticism and told me he does NOT believe that Christ is the son of God. My mother claimed to be Christian yet she was an avid reader of horoscope magazines. My Grandparents were the most religious members of our family. My grandmother was a wonderful old lady who raised 8 kids and was stuck with raising me, my brother, and my sister for about 3 years while my newly divorced mom was struggling to start her career as a beautician. She faithfully instructed us on manners. She raised us like her own. She also took every opportunity to teach us about how to be good people. But I still don’t remember her ever trying to force her religion down our throats. I don’t ever remember being lectured about any religious doctrine.

With the background I’ve had in religion, I can’t really say that I was taught that God exists. It was never proven to me in any way. It was never a deep topic of discussion around the dinner table. I don’t remember ever questioning the existence of God. I guess I just assumed he was real because I didn’t know ANYONE that believed otherwise.

I think my attitude toward God is pretty typical in many regards. The vast majority of people in the USA profess a belief that God exists in some form or another…I think it’s like 90%, but I can’t remember the exact number for sure. I can’t help but wonder why that huge percentage believes in God when they have never seen him, much less met him face to face. In my youth, I was never conscious of “miracles” happening to me. I had no epiphanies to bolster my belief in God. I had no great teacher to instruct me in the vicissitudes of religious exegesis. I was a normal kid that enjoyed doing normal kid things. I really didn’t enjoy going to church, I just went because that’s what you did. My dad would usually skip out of church. He and I would walk a block or two down to a local, downtown hotel where he would buy me a fountain coke and perhaps a donut. He enjoyed his coffee, donut, and newspaper. I remember the bond we had as a result of skipping church much more than I do anything I ever heard in church.

So…why am I writing about whether God exists or not? I think this is the most important question in the universe for those that do not know, or are just not convinced of his existence. I believe I can “PROVE” God exists…yes, scientifically. The problem arises that “proof,” can be subjective. Now, is that an oxymoron or what?...subjective proof? But when you think about it, what I consider proof of the existence of God might be proof that he does NOT exist to someone else. I’m not educated in Physics. I’m not educated in the rules of logic. I have a 4 year BA degree from a small local college that is now defunct. What I rely on is my commonsense and ability to think through a subject without rejecting it out of hand because of preconceived notions. I plan to use the Laws of Thermodynamics to “prove” God exists. The proof is so very simple. It’s so simple you will probably groan because of wasting your time reading all this way…lol.

Ok, let’s get started. I will be using the First Law of Thermodynamics to make most of my points.

First Law of Thermodynamics: Energy can be changed from one form to another, but it cannot be created or destroyed. The total amount of energy and matter in the Universe remains constant, merely changing from one form to another. The First Law of Thermodynamics (Conservation) states that energy is always conserved; it cannot be created or destroyed. In essence, energy can be converted from one form into another.

So, right off the bat we have a scientific law stating that energy has always existed…and that it cannot be destroyed. The human brain is simply not capable of understanding the vastness of our universe. We have trouble wrapping our brain around the mass of our own planet…let alone the mass of the entire universe. We live in a galaxy of billions of stars. Our galaxy is one of billions. Even the high flying math minds in our government cannot understand numbers past a trillion. As a quick example: If you stack 1000 dollar bills (not 1000, dollar bills), one trillion dollars will make a stack about 63 miles high. All I need is about 2” of that stack…lol. Besides our sun, the second nearest star to earth is about 25 trillion miles away. The nearest galaxy to ours is 2.5 million light years away…the Andromeda galaxy. This galaxy can be seen with the naked eye yet it’s (if my math is correct) about 15 quadrillion miles away. So you see what I’m getting at? The human mind is incapable of understanding the vastness of our universe…our home. Try to think of how much mass exists in the universe. Start with just the mass of Earth and move outward to our solar system, our galaxy, the addition of our nearest neighbor galaxy, then the billions and billions of other galaxies in the universe. “It’s a mind bogglin’ thang”…as a TV commercial says.

If we look back to the first law of thermodynamics we have to wrap our minds around the fact that all the potential and kinetic energy wrapped up in the universe…all the physical mass, the billions of galaxies, DID NOT EXIST AT SOME POINT IN THE PAST…yet, the energy which produced them did. Science knows that the physical matter in the universe is moving…it is expanding. Given enough years, galaxies will even collide with other galaxies. I guess it will be like breaking the rack on in a game of pool. The point is…physical matter has an age. Scientists’ best guess right now seems to be that the universe is about 13.7 billions years old. They believe the universe started with the Big Bang.

OK, now we’re getting somewhere. We know the universe had a beginning. Most of the Christian community rejects the idea of the Big Bang and attribute it to scientists trying to prove evolution. Well, I have to tell you what my commonsense tells me. I believe the Big Bang is a fact but I still reject the idea that man evolved from slime or whatever the source d’ jour is. Today I’m only discussing the Big Bang. According to scientists, all the physical matter in the universe resulted from the explosion of a single, super dense atom. Good grief Charlie Brown!!! Can you imagine how dense that atom would have to be to have the mass of billions and billions of galaxies stored in it?

Let’s think about kinetic energy for a minute. Physical matter IS potential energy. There is potential energy stored in everything that exists. Think about a nuclear weapon. I don’t totally understand how they work except to say that energy is released in a massive chain reaction of splitting atoms during detonation. The energy released from a few pounds of plutonium is enough to blow up a major city. Every physical object is made up of uncountable numbers of atoms…each storing a certain amount of energy. Just imagine if all the potential energy stored in a mountain was released. Would it split the Earth in half? God only knows. Oops…jumping the gun a little I guess…lol. But, it’s obvious that the power stored in all the mass of the universe is staggering beyond human comprehension.

Now back to the First Law of Thermodynamics: We have to realize that all this staggering amount of potential energy stored in the mass of the universe came from some other source. Energy cannot be created or destroyed…it can only change forms. Like burning a log in the fireplace…the log is gone but its energy has changed form and some has been released in the form of heat. But…what was once the log still exists…just in different forms. So, ALL the physical mass in the universe, all the potential energy stored in that mass, had a beginning, or was changed from some other form of energy into what exists today. Was all that energy and mass stored in a single, super dense atom? I don’t know.

What I DO know is that, even if there was such an atom, that atom had to have been formed somehow. It had to have a beginning just like the rest of the universe stored in it. Everything I’ve said so far boils down to this: PHYSICAL MATTER HAD A BEGINNING …SOMETHING CANNOT COME FROM NOTHING. This includes any super dense atom.

There is only one concept bigger than the universe and that concept is its beginning. I believe that beginning was God.

All I believe about God is what he says about himself in the Bible. I believe the Bible is his inspired word given to humans and recorded for posterity. Humans will always argue the minutiae…the details of translations, the difficult questions and answers, why this and why that. I believe God has given us a self-description in the Bible, if we are willing to study it. These are topics for another day. The self-description I want to dwell on is that God says he is Almighty and Immortal. As humans we have a hard time understanding the power of those two words.

Here’s how I believe those words impact us:

Almighty: God’s power is spiritual. Spiritual is a different plane from physical. God has the ability to change spirit into physical. His spiritual son was sent to Earth as a physical being. Angels often manifested themselves as physical humans. God’s power is so great and unlimited that he is also able to convert enough spiritual “matter” into physical matter, to create the entire universe. If he wanted to use the splitting of a single super dense atom, I believe he was perfectly capable of doing that. If, instead, he just “held out his hand”, so to speak, and matter began flowing from it, and expanding into the vastness of the empty universe…I believe he was perfectly capable of doing that too. I believe God created the laws of thermodynamics that govern all physical matter in our universe. I believe he created the gravity and magnetism caused by mass.

Immortal: God did not have a beginning. He is without limitations that we try to wrap our minds around. There are some things we are simply not given the power or wisdom to understand in this life. We, even when we are changed into spirit beings will not be immortal…we will only be eternal. Immortal, by definition means without mortality. We will never be able to make that claim. God is not constrained by time. Time began when he created the physical universe. Time to God is simply existence. It has no beginning or end.

So, to boil it all down…physical matter had to have a beginning. The laws of thermodynamics demand that its creation be the result of these laws. The vast energy used to create the physical universe existed BEFORE the physical universe because energy cannot be created or destroyed. Our universe had to be created from some pre-existing source of energy. I believe God used his Almighty power to change his spiritual energy into what we see and understand as a physical universe. His energy has always existed and will continue forever. His power to use it as he sees fit is OK WITH ME. I’m glad to be alive and understand that there is an eternal future waiting for me. Maybe God will allow me to use my new spiritual powers to create my own galaxy or something…who knows. The possibilities are endless and they dwarf any troubles we experience in this speck of dust, flash-in-the-pan, existence we call life. REAL life is waiting in the future.

Hugs to all,
Suzi

FAILURE!...Do You Need a Bailout?

2009-01-22T19:21:00.001-06:00

Every weekday morning I start my work day by driving 20 miles down country lanes. As I’ve mentioned in other blogs, I use this time to reflect on my life. I glory in the beauty of the sunrise over my left shoulder when the time of the year and cloud cover permit. About 5 or 6 miles into my commute, I pass a small country church that will soon be celebrating their 100th anniversary. Out near the road is one of those lighted marquee signs that you see everywhere. They always put up a clever slogan or inspirational phrase to give you something to think about as you drive. I really need to stop in there sometime and tell them how much I appreciate their sign and the helpful words it shares with me every day on my way to work. For the past couple of weeks the sign has shared a phrase that has caused me to write this blog. There is so much going on in the world right now…war in Gaza…a new president…a faltering economy. Where the hell is the GOOD news? (That’s right…I don’t consider our new president to be good news.) As I feel the despair of a struggling nation and world, I once again am FORCED to read that sign as I drive by. The first couple of times I pass by I’m thinking…why can’t they put something positive up there? However, over the past few days I have allowed the words on that sign to sink in. They have forced me to think about life. They have, through, I believe, the inspiration of God, taught me a lesson that I want to share with everyone. Hopefully you will take the words on this small country church sign to heart and use them to make your life a positive experience.

So…what did the sign say? “If we do not learn from our failures, then we will fail to learn.”

I think back to the blast showing on my good friend Lacey K’s 360 blog page. It says, “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try!!!” Perhaps she will even go back and change the spelling on the word disappointed…lol. I do hope she leaves that blast there though.

Many times I have asked people why God created man as a physical being instead of a spirit being. To many, it just doesn’t make sense for God to make man as such a flawed being…a being prone to weakness and FAILURE. Throughout history man has failed at every turn. There have been wars fought in the name of religion, seemingly forever. Tyrants have killed millions of their own people. So far, every political system devised by man has FAILED. America is on the cusp of trying socialism for the first time…and it will FAIL too. Those that are convinced otherwise are not learning from the failure of others…they are failing to learn…just like the church sign said. I believe God created man to fail, while at the same time offering a free bailout. Without failure, man would never come to see the need for God. As we are all well aware, all men fail at some time. Some of us think we fail ALL the time. Well, if you are one that feels that way, consider this:

Thomas Edison failed 5,000 times before he finally found a way to make a light bulb burn longer. How many of us wish he had simply given up and gone on to invent some other gadget? Do we wish the Wright brothers and others had simply given up on flight when they could only manage a few hundred feet? How many times did the characters in B.C. comics fail by trying to use a square wheel? Examples of failure are ubiquitous. Every individual has experienced failure many times in his life

How do you view failure? What about your own personal failures? What about the failures of others around you? Does it make you mad or sad that people fail? Is it fair that people fail? Should we always make sure nobody fails? Should we outlaw keeping score in athletic contests? Should everybody make the same wage? Should we all live in the same house…drive the same car…eat the same food…wear the same clothes…get the same grade in school? Is the existence of an unlevel playing field a failure of mankind? For those professing Christianity…in the parable of the pounds, what happened to the one who failed to use his gift properly?...it was taken away from him and given to the one who eschewed failure and made his gift grow. This parable is not about money…it’s about the natural abilities and talents we have been dealt at our birth. The one who buried his pound failed to grow and change personally. He was afraid to FAIL because he was afraid of the master’s reaction to that failure. The one who grew the most was the one that was willing to face possible failure and fight his way forward anyway. His reward was compounded upon the master’s return.

I don’t know how much FAILURE has been a part of your Tg/Ts life. I really didn’t intend to use this blog to explore that aspect of our lives, but it certainly applies here also. The biggest failure of my TG life was the lack of trust I had in my wife’s unconditional love for me as a TG person. But you know…the result of that failure has been a magnification of our love for each other because we worked through that failure until we succeeded. And I cannot for one second dream of leaving out God’s hand in our success.

How has failure affected your life? Has it caused you to withdraw from life? Has it prevented you from growing by overcoming your failure? Are you on the brink of giving up because you just cannot try that 5001st time? Have you been waiting for someone to come along with a magic potion that will suddenly cause everything to be right? Are you determined to win the lottery? Are you waiting for Mr. Obama to bail you out? Are you waiting for a level playing field? Are you waiting for life to suddenly become fair? I’ve got news for those that think Mr. Obama is the answer to all our problems…Mr. Obama cannot change the human heart. He may inspire you but your change must come from within. As long as we look to ANY man, instead of God, to give us what we need and want, we are doomed to failure. Why? Because you cannot take it with you when you die…death is the ultimate failure and I believe there is only one who can bail you out at that time. If we look to ANY man for hope and change, we will be pissing into the wind.

As we struggle through the rough spots in our lives…as we cry over failure…as we reach out for a hand to help pull us through, make sure you are reaching in the right direction. I won’t tell you what that direction is…in your heart you already know. Be true to your heart and never be afraid of failure. Always remember what the church marquee said: “If we do not learn from our failures, then we will fail to learn.”

My love to everyone,
Suzi

TRUE TO YOURSELF

2009-01-11T06:11:00.002-06:00

One of the hardest things for most people to do is be true to themselves. What does that mean? It means that you need to be able to look into your heart, mind, and soul and see who is really residing there. Are you living your life like a cast member in a play? Or are you really letting the world know who you are on the inside. Are you a blank slate? Do you spend most of your time building walls between you and others? Are you able to accept others for who they are? Most people will say yes...yet they are not willing to accept themselves for who they really are.I am a transgendered person. I was born genetically as a male but I feel as much, if not more, like a woman inside, than I do a man. For no known reason...at least at the time...at the age of 8 I began crossdressing. I never knew why until a couple of years ago. Many wives discover their husbands crossdress and it causes all kinds of problems in the marriage. You may be thinking, "Well yeah!" Truth be known, it's a lot more common than you might think.Over the years, I continued to crossdress even though I really felt a strong sense of guilt about it. I was always very athletic in school and excelled in football and baseball. I enjoyed boy things like fishing, hunting, and tinkering with bikes, etc. Yet I kept feeling this "unnatural" urge to wear women's clothes. It was not a sexual thing for me and to this day that is still true. I was just not able to understand why I wanted to so badly. I was not (and am still not)gay. I liked girls even though I was a little shy. But,so are many guys at that awkward age. I tried to fight the urge to dress several times but was always unsuccessful. There was just something magical about being a girl.As I aged, I met my wife at church and fell in love with her. We dated for about a year before getting married. I felt sure that once I was married that the feelings I was having...the desire to be a woman, to look like a woman...would just disappear. Let me make it clear that I did not get married for that reason. I was completely and totally in love with this wonderful creature I had met a year earlier. Our bond was unmistakable and many people told us as much...that we just look right together. Well, on our wedding night we were messing around and I put on my new wife's nightgown and she playfully took some pictures. I was still hooked! I was still in ignorance about how to be true to myself.Our marriage progressed along nicely. In a couple of years we had our only child, a son who is now 31 yrs old. My wife and I worked together for several years with our son by our side. We were a close knit family...and still are by the way. But, thinking back, I still was never able to shake that powerful feeling I had felt so many times before...that there was just more to me than this man married to a wonderful woman...more than this Dad to my son. I was never able to be true to myself because I still did not understand who I really was. Life continued on. About 18 months ago, I began chatting with a group of transgendered ladies. I don't know exactly why I did...I think it mostly was out of curiosity. As I got to know them better, I began to see some amazing things. I began to see how MY life had almost perfectly paralleled the vast majority of their lives too. But I couldn't be transgendered...could I??? Eventually, I moved from chatting to blogging on Yahoo360. I came to know many transsexual and transgendered ladies there. Almost every single TS lady I've known has told me a story similar to mine but one filled with more and even stronger desire to be a woman than I was experiencing. Most described themselves as women trapped in a man's body. Well, I never felt exactly like that. I have never hated my male body, yet I have always craved having a woman's body. I never sought this out. This was not a choice of lifestyle I was making. It was not the result of a screwed up childhood. I was about to discover what we all need in our lives...a sense of self awareness and an acceptance of that self. My wife didn't find out about my crossdressing until about 5 years ago. She didn't like the idea but was willing to put up with it because she loved me unconditionally. However, about a year ago I suddenly came to realize a new sense of awareness of who I am. I began to realize that I also was transgendered. I began to look into the matter online...to Google this, and Google that. What I learned made it possible for me finally accept who I am...a human born as a physical man, but someone that also has at least a partially female brain. I learned that sometimes, during gestation, or during birth, the mother somehow floods the brain of the child with female hormones. If the child is a girl it's no problem. But if the child is already a boy sexually, then the boy is born with a brain that has been flooded with female hormones. The result is that, usually about the age of 5, the child becomes aware of the differences between the sexes and is confused. The brain of the child tells it she should be playing with the other girls, wearing what the other girls wear, and acting like the other girls. Instead...the child, who has the plumbing of a boy, is expected to do boy things...to be rough and tumble...but NOT to be a sissy who wants to wear a dress. Most TS ladies go through their early lives not understanding what is going on. It usually does not become clear until they are married, have children, and careers. The complications that arise are often insurmountable. Many TS feel a sense of great self loathing for their male bodies. They hate the idea of having a penis when they know they should have been born with a vagina and breasts. They HATE having to shave a man's stubble from their face. And so goes the story for so many. By the time they realize who they really are inside, it's very difficult for them to be true to themselves.We all need to look at our own lives. I'm just using the example of a transgendered person because that's where I learned acceptance of my true self. Every person is different. Every person goes through a different set of life circumstances that they must live with and/or overcome. If we live a life of self-denial about who we are...or, if we simply do not understand who we really are...then we will be miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled, and never achieve the life we always wanted.We all have a self-image of ourselves as we are right now. We think of ourselves in a certain way. We try to portray that image to others. We try to "pull the wool over their eyes." ....so to speak. In actuality we are merely pulling the wool over our OWN eyes. We are blinding ourselves from seeing the real person inside. If we can bring out the real person we are, we will be happier than we ever dreamed possible. It's when we hide and live a life of lies or simply misunderstand who we are, that we are most unhappy. We are living a double-standard that will drive us crazy. We know we are one way but we feel compelled to live another way just to make everyone else happy.We have to get over this notion that happiness is simply being part of the in-crowd. The in-crowd does not care who you really are inside. They only care whether you help perpetuate the image they have decided their group needs to have. In their effort to be different, they all end up conforming to a single idea, while no individual is actually being him/herself. It's a rare thing for people to branch out and accept people from different walks of life. Most of us tend to have friends that are sort of like us...they are people we can get along with, agree with, and people that don't expect that much from us most of the time. Ask yourself if you've ever had any desire to reach out to strangers. Have you ever WANTED to find out what's going on in the mind of a gay person?...a straight person, if you're gay?...a transgendered person?...a homeless person?...a_____...fillin the blank. Who is it that you reject out of hand because you do not want to take the chance that you might be forced to be friends with someone you feel uneasy around? Is that who you really are inside? Most of us think we are pretty good people...and I agree with that thought. I think I'm a pretty nice person too. I love my family, my country, and my God. I have come to accept that I'm transgendered. I love dressing like a woman and going out shopping, and other things that women like. Yes, I am happy that I am transgendered because it allows me to be true to myself. I am who I am. You are who you are. I am finally able to quit denying myself the freedom to express myself as a woman. I embrace the other side of my personality. I love myself as a man and I love myself as a woman. Many men say they just don't understand women. Well, I'm a man that DOES understand women and I love them for who they are and for the woman I was partially born as too. So, look into your heart. Are you happy with who you are? Do you even know who you really are? Do you know what you believe? Can you look in the mirror and say I am a creature made by God, loved by God, and saved by God? When I look in the mirror I don't see a beautiful woman. I'm just like most women...I'm my own worst critic and I'll never be totally happy with the way I look. After all, I'm a genetic male...only hormones could make it even remotely possible for me to look like a real woman. But, at the same time, I accept who I am, I embrace who I am inside, and I thank God that he has allowed me the wonder of knowing life from both sides. I hope you will also be able to peel away the layers of bricks that you have stacked between you and others. I hope you will be able to uncover a path that will show you what you really want in life...that you will discover what will really make you happy...and I pray that you will be able to accept it as you find it. Love yourself and remember that others need to be loved too...perhaps even more than you do. Be true to yourselves. Hugs, Suzi

A NEW YEAR AHEAD

2008-12-27T15:16:00.003-06:00

Christmas is over now. The presents have been unwrapped; the relatives and friends have all been hugged. Dad got his tie, mom her sweater, and the kids their video games and dolls. It happens every year at this time and every year the day becomes a little more secular.
I remember when I was a kid of about 11. My mom, sister, brother, and I lived with my grandparents because of a recent divorce. I remember asking my Grandmother if I could read the Christmas story from the book of Luke. Of course she was delighted to have me do that. In school we colored Nativity scenes, sang Christmas carols, and even exchanged gifts. I loved singing and still do...I just wish I could sing in a higher register...lol. We had real Christmas back in those days. Those in other areas of the country would cut down their own Christmas tree from a forest. Today they might do time in the slammer for that...even though there are more trees in North America today than any other time in our history.
I haven't kept a Christmas like those old ones, in many years. I have become disgusted with the secularism...the rejection of the divinity of Christ...the political correctness demanded in our schools as Christianity is pushed out the door. The Christmas season starts in July...I know because my wife works in Hobby Lobby and they start putting out Christmas items around then. The greatest concern among the MSM is whether the Christmas season will bring in greater profits for retailers. Many retailers depend on the Christmas season for 50% or more of their yearly earnings.
My wife and I do not put up a tree anymore and we don't exchange gifts. We don't have any problem with others doing that, it's just not something we find useful. I have always had a problem with "symbolism over substance." Reality is being replaced with symbols. Words are replacing actions. In years gone by, a man's word was his contract and binding. Now, even signing on the dotted line is just a symbol...a symbol that we agree to TRY and pay back a loan we know we cannot afford. A tree, presents, and all the trappings of a successful Christmas are merely symbols of realities long forgotten or at least dramatically neglected.
I can't help but wonder why so many place so much emphasis on a day they no longer revere. Why are they willing to go deep into debt to buy presents that will be returned or be unappreciated? The symbolism remains because of wonderful gifts given to a baby...not just any baby, but God incarnate...God in the flesh. Have we lost the awe those men felt when they realized who they were presenting gifts to? Yes we have.
Recently, I have been spending some time on You Tube, listening to various artists sing O Holy Night. I wrote a blog about driving to work one morning and being inspired to tears by feeling God's presence in my life. Then I heard Josh Groban sing O Holy Night and the resulting peace was almost euphoric. Suddenly my greatest desire was for everyone on earth to feel the same love, joy, and peace I was feeling at that moment. "The reason for the season" suddenly meant more to me than it ever had before. I felt vindicated in rejecting the commercialism, the spending in order to jack up the economy, the "thrill" of getting everything you wanted for Christmas.
The birth of Christ took on a deeper, more mature meaning than I can ever remember in my life. In some ways, I feel that next year may be different for me and my wife when Christmas rolls around. If the economy hasn't totally tanked, I may begin to reach out to others at Christmas time...buy a few gifts or send some cards...replace my cynicism with active LOVE...spend more time praising God for the true meaning of Christmas.
And what was the true meaning of Christmas? God knew, when he created man, that he would someday offer his own son...the WORD...the very one that created the universe, as a sacrifice for all of humanity. The Word would divest himself of all divinity, become flesh, and suffer a terrible death in order to make salvation possible for all humanity...someday. Christmas was the day that child was born...the child that would bring salvation tothe world.
I realize there are many in the world that do not accept the divinity of Christ, or perhaps even the existence of God...yet they look forward to the Christmas season every year. Why?...because it's a time of the year when so many families are brought back together for a few days. It's a time when we see little children filled with wonder at the beauty of Christmas and the joy of receiving gifts. Receiving gifts is ok too...Christ received gifts on Christmas. I'm sure Joseph and Mary told him the story of his birthday many times. I'm sure they taught him the value of the gifts offered to him that day. Christmas is a time of the year when we can begin to garner hope for the coming year.
So...I hope everyone had a great Christmas! I know I did. I didn't get a single gift. I didn't put up a tree or even attend a Christmas church service. But I DID feel greater joy and peace than ever before in my life. I can't help but once again thank all of you sisters that helped me learn how to be myself. I thank God for loving me unconditionally and blessing my life in so many ways over the last year. Now I look forward to a great year,even if there are great challenges ahead. I hope next Christmas will be one of even greater love and understanding for what is in store for mankind as we learn about the great "I AM."

O HOLY NIGHT

2008-12-17T18:13:00.008-06:00

The weather was dreary as I drove to work in the dark this morning. Luckily the local fog warnings did not affect my journey. I call it a journey because, for some reason, this morning was filled with emotion. I've never been an outwardly emotional person. I kinda taught myself throughout my male life to live the "cowboy way"...never let them see you cry. Well, this morning was different for some reason. I always drive the backroads to work. I hate traffic and I love the countryside...a no brainer for me. The road has a speed limit of 50 and I wasn't pushing it past that at all. No, I was just doing my thing...being a good husband...living a decent life, working hard to get by, making my way to the office one more time. As I stared at the road winding in front of me I felt a sudden sense of great joy come over me...a great sense of peace. As I drove, I began to realize God was just saying good morning to me...that everything was going to be ok...that he's right there where he's always been...by my side, in my life, and in my heart. Sure, he's said the same thing many times before as I drove to work. During certain times of the year when there is more light, I get to marvel at God's incredible use of color in painting me a personal canvas towards the East, as the sun rises. There have been other times when I felt a little tear of joy kinda make my eyes blur a little. But this morning was, like I said, different. That rush of joy I felt was so overwhelming that I started sobbing softly. Contemplating God's love for me, and all the incredible ways he had shown it throughout my life, gave me that overpowering sense of joy and peace this morning.

This last year has been so exceptional for me. About this same time last year, I was just coming to understand my TG nature. I believe God led me to the many TG friends I have made on the internet. He taught me how our lives so awesomely parallel each other. Our stories are almost identical in so many instances. He taught me that I was not living in sin by dressing like a woman...that I was being myself, a self I didn't really understand until this past year. He blessed my relationship with my wife by also teaching her the same things about me. She accepts me as Suzi and is becoming more and more accustomed to my time as Suzi, even in her presence. He has taught her that I love her to death...that Suzi and I have always been one and the same person, and that Suzi desperately needed to be released from the closet of misunderstanding and rejection.

Yes, it was just another day...another 25 minute trip to work in the dark. Yet, as I felt the encompassing peace of God's love giving me joy, something happened to make it even more special. Suddenly, on the radio, Josh Groban began to sing "Oh Holy Night." The true meaning of Christmas suddenly hit home like never before. As his voice soared with feeling and warmth, I fell in love with that carol all over again.

I've never been big on celebrating Christmas, even though I am definitely a Christian. Like so many others, the commercialism and "hokiness" of today's Christmas atmosphere has turned me off to the holiday. My wife and I don't put up a tree...we put up a nativity scene on a table in the living room.

I just hope that every year will bring me more and more peace as I look to the one who made my life possible...the one that accepts me unconditionally and offers me free salvation. How can anyone ask for anything more? I hope the same will be true for each and every one of you also.

I will make that same trip to work tomorrow. I hope God once again blesses me with a symphony of love like I experienced today. God bless you all with Love, Joy, and Peace always.

Love you all,

Suzi

GIRL'S WEEKEND OUT (GWO) II

2008-12-17T18:04:00.002-06:00

The weekend of Dec 5,6,7, my friend Lindsay and I headed to Dallas for our second GWO (girl's weekend out). I can see how this might get to be a regular thing for us. I've never had so much fun dressing and just being Suzi. Lindsay has said basically the same thing. It was just a great weekend in every way.
Friday afternoon, I was to meet Lindsay about 3:30-4pm and we would load up her essentials and head to Dallas. I was about 20 minutes late because my son had been visiting and didn't leave as early as I expected. It's always great to see him but...shoo, shoo...lol. This was one time I was ready for him to get going. Normally, it's all we can do to get him to stay an hour or two. That afternoon it was half a day. Oh well...no harm done. As it turns out, Lindsay was running a little late too so I just sat in the car, listened to the radio and watched the fireman wash his rescue vehicle. In a matter of a few minutes, an alarm sounded and firemen and rescue workers piled into the vehicle and took off to some accident scene. They were back in 30 minutes or so. I wanted to get out of the car and cheer them on but refrained.
We got as far as Terrell, a small city just this side of Dallas, and Lindsay needed to get some food on her stomach. She's been having some internal problems that the doctors have not isolated yet. She knows she has diverticulitis but that's not what this is. Strange one for her. We finally checked into our motel...a Residency Inn, on I-35, not too far from Texas Stadium...home of Romo and the boys...lol. I was pleasantly shocked at the quality of the room Lindsay reserved. It was a suite with two TV’s, a kingsize bed, a big closet with mirrored doors, a nice bathroom, and sliding French doors to separate the bedroom from the living area. The living area had a real fireplace in the corner, a breakfast bar, and a well equipped kitchen with a coffee pot, a full sized fridge, a dish washer, disposal, lots of eating utensils, and cookware...it was very nice...and less than $100 a night. I was tickled because the room we had on our first GWO left a lot to be desired.
We didn't have any plans to eat out Friday evening because we ate on the way when Lindsay's stomach started acting up. But that sure didn't stop us from getting cleaned up and dressed...lol. I swear it takes that girl forever to get ready...I've never seen such primping and preening...lol. You see, Lindsay doesn't get to dress very often and she savors EVERY second of our trip...including all the primping. I don't blame her at all. With no plans, we got in my car and off we went to God only knows where. I can't remember when we finally decided to go see the new James Bond movie at 9:40pm...which is about 20 minutes from my normal bedtime...lol. I asked Lindsay to keep me awake but she must have gotten frustrated and let me sleep because I have no idea what was going on and will have to see it again...sigh. That always happens to me. I take blood pressure medicine and it usually makes me a little drowsy if I'm just sitting...you know, watching TV, a movie...oh, did I mention driving? Yikes...lol. Of course, we got back to the room after midnight so naturally we chatted and watched TV, etc, till nearly 2am. At that hour adrenaline keeps me awake and then it's hard for me to get to sleep. In the mean time, Lindsay is sawing logs and farting like a whoopee cushion. I'm lying there with eyes like a lemur, wondering why I can't sleep. You'd think I'd at least be able to keep them shut since they were burning from Lindsay's farts. Just kidding about the farts gf…lol.
I finally drifted off to sleep and got about 4 hours of quality sleep. As usual I got up around 6am. I took Lindsay's pulse just to make sure she was still alive, and I went to start my day with a long hot shower...or so I thought. I was taking my time... shaving all the vital parts for dressing. I still had my legs to shave when I noticed the water was getting cooler. I turned up the heat and turned down the cold...but it still slowly got cooler. Don't you just hate it when that happens? All I could figure is that each room has its own water heater or something. Most motels don't do that...they have a giant heater or heaters, which have recirculation pumps to keep the water hot and moving...oh well. I hate being rushed through my leg shaving ritual.
After cleaning up, I decided to make some coffee and put on my makeup. This was bout 7am. I knew Lindsay would be out till about 10...lucky girl. I wish I could sleep like that. I really enjoyed the morning though. It was so fulfilling to just sit there in my nightgown, putting on my makeup, getting ready for a big day out. I thanked God for the opportunity to be myself and share that time with a good friend. About 10am, Lindsay finally crawls out of hibernation and begins her primping again. She has to take extra beard covering steps so it takes her a little longer to get that foundation just right. Lucky me…I have fair skin and blonde hair, so one coat from the texture machine and I’m good to go. About 11 or so, we finally head out to Denny's for breakfast. Yikes!...I'm usually ready for lunch about that time.
After brunch, where we were totally accepted and treated well, we headed out to Sam Moons to join the maddening throng of ladies sifting through tons of purses and jewelry. Like I said last time...it reminded me of what happens when you kick the top off a fire ant mound...lol. I've never seen so much estrogen in one place in my life. Lindsay bought a necklace/earring set…I bought nothing…that’s right, nothing. I can’t believe it either. But I’ll be danged, in that whole giant store of women’s accessories; there was not one single make-up bag. I was dumbfounded.
We made our escape from the maddening crowds and drove to a nearby park I was familiar with. We were the only ones there except for a few ducks in the water. It was an ideal setting for us to take some pictures. We took lots of really nice pics in a really nice setting, on a really pretty day…what more could we ask for? I could see the peace and happiness in Lindsay’s face…I never had to tell her to smile for the camera. I don’t seem to have a smile even when I try…lol. Oh well, someone has to be the grumpy old lady I guess.
I decided I would go ahead and fill the chariot with gas so I pulled into a Sam’s Club and fed the horses. Lindsay wanted to go into the Fry’s Electronics store next door so we did. I had to use the ladies room before shopping. I just walked in, did my thing and left…no strange looks or anything…just like I like it. Lindsay shopped the digital cameras, and looked for a certain LED flashlight she had bought last time we were in town, and then we left. Next we drove to one of the busiest malls I’ve ever seen…Town East Mall in Mesquite, Texas…a Dallas suburb. It was so busy that there were several policemen directing traffic around the parking areas. I was looking for a black jacket but only found a white top. It’s the one featured on my profile pics to the left. Lindsay bought some black slacks. As we tried to exit the mall, I began to wish I was driving a Transformer car so we could just fly out of there. Unbelievable! Eventually, we escaped and returned to our room. I did a little changeroo of clothes and we headed to Olive Garden for dinner.
I love Olive Garden. We always get treated like ladies there and the food is so flavorful. My favorite dish is their salad. I know there are other great places to eat but I’m the type that sticks with a known entity until someone convinces me differently. I’m pretty sure our waiter knew we were guys but he certainly never let it show. I always tip generously when I get that kind of accepting service.
The evening was still fairly young so we just drove around the suburbs a little, kinda looking for a Wal-Mart. I knew they had some make-up bags there and I like to buy cosmetics there because of the good prices. We had fun just driving and talking. Eventually we did find a Wal-Mart and bought a few items each. We spent the rest of the evening in the room just trying on things we had bought and taking a few pictures. Lindsay gave me the set of earrings that came with her necklace. She doesn’t have pierced ears so she had no use for them…and they were just SO cute too. She said they really looked good on me…awww shucks. She’s so generous.
Well, the day we both dreaded finally came…Sunday. Last time we came to Dallas on our GWO, we both dressed in drab on Sunday to go home. I was having such a wonderful time, I asked Lindsay if she would mind me dressing that day instead of going home in drab. She said it was fine. She has to arrive home in drab because of her wife’s lingering lack of acceptance. I didn’t have to worry about that aspect but I wanted to make sure it would be ok with her because I have to drop her off at her place of employment to pick up her truck and offload her booty…lol. I dressed casually. What I wore that day is also showing in my profile pics to the left of this blog…the red top with the black slacks. I bought that top at Wal-Mart the night before…$5…and I love it.
Before the home stretch, we stopped at a Denny’s and ate breakfast. Our waitress was a very pretty, hard working young lady named Michelle. I was struck by her hard work ethic that I was thinking she should be managing this place instead of waiting tables. She always called me ma’am and was so sweet. I believe she could have waited every table in the restaurant at the same time and still have kept every customer happy.
What made that breakfast so special was that I was able to experience what I felt was total confidence in my presentation as a lady. The main reason I was able to feel so confident was because Lindsay was in drab and willingly played the role of my husband. I never imagined how real, feeling like a woman could feel. Lindsay and I both are happily married, but the fact that she was so willing to help me experience such a confidence boosting day was a great gesture of friendship and love.
From Denny’s we went to a local outlet mall which happened to be on the way home. I told Lindsay I wanted to check into a dress I’d seen in Lane Bryant last time I was there. I fell in love with the dress but was in drab with my wife at the time, so I couldn’t try it on. Wellll…this time I was dressed. I tried the dress on in several sizes. I even walked out into the store with it on to show Lindsay. I said something like, “do you like it honey?”…lol. She played it so straight it was great fun. I ended up not buying the dress because it was basically sleeveless and I didn’t like the way my guy arms looked protruding from such a beautiful dress. Oh well. I did end up finding a nice, short, black suit jacket that I had been looking for. Oh yeah, when we entered the store the lady behind the counter said something like, “hi gf!...be sure and check out the racks in the back…we have lots of shorts, Capri’s, and jeans for $2.25. I’m thinking WOW. Get this, I bought that jacket, two pair of shorts, and a pair of Capri’s for less than $40 total…including tax. Full price would have been close to $200. I slipped Lindsay the cash and asked her (in drab remember) to pay for the items. Of course she did and everyone just knew we were married…lol.
We also went to a kitchen supply type store where Lindsay bought one of those fine grating tools…like for orange peel, etc., I forget what it’s called. I spent a good deal of time chatting with one of the ladies working there. She was very helpful and friendly.
My favorite stop of the day was when we went into a chocolate store. The place smelled heavenly and they made everything right there. Lindsay wanted to buy some chocolates for her wife because they had sugar free versions that are somewhat hard to find elsewhere. She picked out some chocolate truffles and the saleslady asked if she wanted them in a box. Lindsay said yes. As she was putting them in a box I asked outloud, “are those one of my Christmas presents?...because if they are, that’s not near enough.”…lol. The saleslady got a kick out of that and laughed. Then I made some kind of joke about really wanting a Lexus for Christmas and Lindsay just said, “not this year.”
Well, it was finally time to head out for the home stretch. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was elated that I was having such a wonderful time and yet I could feel the depression of having to change back to guy mode already setting in. I dropped Lindsay off and went home. I spent the rest of the day dressed just like I was. I didn’t want to change. I think my wife understood. We talked about the weekend a little and she expressed that she was happy I had a good time. You see…she OWED me because I built her a new kitchen cabinet with a new sink and faucet set…lol. No, really, my wife knows how important being Suzi is to me and I can’t thank her and God enough for her understanding, acceptance, and unconditional love. I also thank God that I am able to have a great friend like Lindsay living close by. I’ve spent quite a bit of time with Lindsay during the two trips we’ve made together and I’ve never heard a single curse word from her. I’ve never heard a bad word about anyone else from her. She’s a wonderful human being that just needs to spend more time as Lindsay. I keep praying that her wife will eventually reach the same degree of acceptance mine has, so she can be herself even more often.
I know this is long and may not even be interesting to everyone. That’s ok. I just wanted to share a very happy weekend I had. I don’t blog that much, but I make up for it when I do…lol. Till next time…Hugs, Suzi

IT'S MY RIGHT!!!

2008-10-18T17:21:00.001-05:00

IT’S MY RIGHT

We hear so much these days about “rights.” Health care is a right. Owning a home is a right. Choosing whether a fetus gets to live is a right. We should all have the right to a job, a car, a color TV…perhaps even a flat screen. The list is endless. More and more it seems that every individual or group feels it is entitled to special treatment and their “rights” must be taken care of by our government. Occasionally, I even feel that some of us in the transgendered community have the same misconception about our “rights.” It would truly be wonderful to have everyone understand our nature but it’s not a right. We don’t have the right to decide which letter we want on our driver’s license…though some feel we should. These are privileges when granted.

Part of the problem stems from the individual’s perception of where rights come from. To me, all rights come from God…plain and simple. But I realize not everyone believes God exists, therefore their rights come from man somehow. The world becomes very existential in this area. If all rights do not come from God, but from man…then each and every individual gets to decide what his/her rights are. For decades now we have heard that whatever a person wants to do is ok as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else…”If it feels good, do it.” Since this puts the power of decision making on the individual, then each individual becomes his/her own God…at least that’s how I see it. Who gets to decide whether what he is doing is hurting someone else or not? If you take that decision making power on yourself by fiat, then aren’t you making yourself a God?

So, what rights do we have? The framers of our early government wrote about having the rights of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Joe Schmo down the street probably thinks he has the right to light up a cigarette anyplace, anytime he wants…after all, it’s his LIFE and he should have the LIBERTY to PURSUE HAPPINESS however he wants. There’s that unshakable caveat…”however he wants.”

If we have the right to pursue Life, Liberty, and Happiness in any way we please, the world will be in utter chaos. If I hate red lights (and I DO) and I decide it’s my right to go through them…well, you get the picture. So, we see that in order to maintain a semblance of order, we MUST have rules and guidelines. We have a right to freedom of speech but we do not have the right to scream “fire” in a crowded theater or other such venue. Laws should be designed to protect as many rights as possible without putting undue burden on as few as possible. An example might be the law of Eminent Domain…which recently has been abused severely in several cases.

As I get older (57 now) I see how our government has slowly but surely become like God to too many people. Way too many people are voting according to their “rights.” We have gone from a nation of self-reliant individuals who would be embarrassed to take anything from the government, to being a nation that demands every conceivable “freebee” as a RIGHT. There is NO right to universal healthcare. There is NO right to home ownership or even decent housing, a driver’s license, food stamps, or even converter boxes to make analog antenna TV’s work with digital signals. There is NO right to a free education. There is no right to a bailout when you screw the public out of billions of dollars. These, and many other “rights” are really just freebees given to different voter blocks to ensure re-election…the result of which is to make that politician feel more and more like God…after all, he gets to decide what is a right and what is not.

As a smaller and smaller group of people become more and more powerful, the result always seems to mean less and less freedom for individuals. The more powerful this group becomes, the more they think they are “god.” The more they think they are God, the more they are convinced that they know what is best for you. If you aren’t given the right to universal health care, how will you ever survive? If you aren’t given the right to kill a living fetus and remove it from your body, how will you ever be able to afford another mouth to feed…at least until “god” provides for it? As “god” becomes more powerful…because we have given up personal responsibility and handed that over to them…our freedom fades into a memory.

I know…many people think socialism is a wonderful form of government…but not for AMERICANS…at least REAL Americans.

Yes, this nation has its faults. As long as there are human beings there will be faulty character…it’s called human nature. There never has been, and there never will be a government designed by men, that is perfect. However, the real God of the universe, whom I know exists, says we do have rights…those that HE has GIVEN us…not what man has BRIBED us with, in order to fill his lust for power. The true God has no such aspirations…he’s already Almighty and to boot…he’s PERFECT…perfect in power and perfect in LOVE. If our government learns that their lives should be lived in service to us instead of being lived in search of more personal power and wealth…perhaps we can begin to learn what real rights are. We will have to go back to work on taking personal responsibility for our own lives and quit demanding “womb to the tomb” bribes, just to keep our heads above the water. We will have to re-learn how to be free. Ahh…sweet freedom. To be miserable in freedom is so much better than being fat, dull minded, and lazy in Socialism.

A famous man once said, “give me liberty or give me death.” A nation without true liberty is dead.

A Week to Remember...or Forget

2008-10-10T22:11:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since my last post and I thought I'd just mention a few things that have been happening in my life lately.
A couple of weeks ago I headed for Conroe, Texas to spend my last full week out of town. To that point, I'd spent 19 weeks away from home, sleeping in a Best Western, only one lobby computer to use occasionally, hard beds, dull surroundings, too many cars, hot/humid weather, and my poor wife stranded back at home with MY easy chair, total command of the remote, the fridge to herself, the whole bed to herself, and a cat to keep her company. I was robbed...as they say...more on that in a minute.
During the preceding two weeks I had built a security desk to be situated in the toddler/kindergarten section of the church classrooms. It was loaded in a covered trailer with strong, bar hooks...like you see on the back of semis. My regular truck was not really strong enough to pull that trailer 150 miles so I had to use a bigger diesel pickup for the job. That meant that I had to unload all my tools and store them in the trailer with the big desk. I felt like they would be very safe there because the locks were huge Masterlocks with hardened loops...very difficult to cut with anything less than a cutting torch. On a Monday morning I headed down to Conroe and made the trip easily enough. I backed the trailer into a handicap parking spot close to the building and went to work. The job superintendent suggested that I just leave the trailer right where it was. It was close to the building, and well lit.
Well, you probably guessed it. I was on my way to work the next morning and the superintendent called me on my cell phone and told me someone had broken into the trailer and stolen all my tools. It's hard to describe the sinking feeling...the feeling of violation...the urge to hate...the urge to scream and curse. I just said ok and soon arrived to see an open trailer and nearly everything gone. The crooks decided they could not cut the locks so they just nibbled the hasp around the lock till it was thin enough to break with a bar or something. I assessed the situation and decided I would go back to my room, pick up my camera, and take some pics of the crime scene. When I returned, the policeman was there and we went through the usual form filling, etc. I pointed out physical evidence and he picked it up...for what it's worth. I spent the next several hours making a detailed list of what was stolen. It was about 4 pages long. I lost every expensive tool I owned except for my 28v Milwaukee cordless drill and my Bosch circular saw. I had used them the day before and left them in the building. I put rough estimate prices on the many items I listed. My list added up to over $3000 and my boss's list was around $2500. Needless to say, the rest of my week was mentally stressed.
BUT...I have found a new way to deal with stress. I dressed as Suzi and went shopping! What else could I do?...and I wasn't shopping for tools either. I was shopping for therapy and stress relief. A few days before, I had bought a new blouse at Kohl's that I absolutely fell in love with. It fits so perfectly and I feel like it's really my style...more age appropriate than most of what I have. It has a ruffled front and elbow length sleeves to hide part of my carpenter arms. I slipped on some black slacks and shoes, and off I went.
The whole day, and now into the evening I had been fighting those urges to hate the ones who stole my tools. I prayed, as Suzi, that God would bless them according to his will. That he would help them learn not to do what they were doing...even if I never got my tools back. I certainly do not expect to get any back. I don't even remember where I went shopping because I really wasn't in the spending mindset at the time. I was worried that I would have to rebuild my tool inventory from scratch and Suzi's wardrobe growth would just have to go stagnant for awhile.
Normally, when I would spend my week in Conroe, I would be too tired at the end of the day, to get dressed and go out. However, because of the increased stress due to my loss, I dressed every day, the week my tools got stolen.
By Thursday, I was determined to make this last night out be a little more special. I planned through the day, trying to figure out what I wanted to do. Well, I settled on my wardrobe. I would wear my new top, a brown skirt with a double, 6" hem...kinda like a ruffle but not one. I also settled on eating at Outback Steakhouse because it was fairly close and on I-45's access road where I was staying.
I was still a little bummed about the whole week...wondering if my boss's insurance would pay out anything for MY tools. I managed to get dressed and looked very presentable. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Just as I pulled the door shut and it gave that reassuring "click" I suddenly realized I had left my door lock card on the table inside. I can't believe what came out of my mouth next. I said s***! For the first time in probably 40+ years I had allowed that reviled word to spray from my lips...lol. I was instantly ashamed of myself for saying it and I just stood there wondering how I was going to get back in...as SUZI. Well, since bad news was nothing new that week I just kinda shrugged it off and jumped in the truck and buzzed off to Outback. I was determined to enjoy the evening before facing my new dilemma.
I parked the monster truck and minced my way into the restaurant where I was greeted by two cuties I was so jealous of. They were very courteous and nobody made any strange looks at me. I slid into the booth and adjusted my skirt. My waitress was very sweet and took good care of me. I ordered an 8oz sirloin, salad, and baked potato. She asked me if I wanted a Margarita but I decided against it. That's all I would need...to be .01% over the legal limit or something...lol. A lot of people would have gotten drunk before they headed back to the motel to face the check-in pros. My bill was $14.06 and I left the waitress a $20...just because. I felt good doing something nice for someone instead of letting the hatred fester in my heart.
Now it was time to face the music...so to speak...lol. I went back to the motel and a nice gentleman held the door for me. I slipped into the ladies room and checked everything out. Then I headed for the lobby and made a bee-line toward the lobby computer. I sat down and attempted to check my email. However, the WiFi connection was so slow that I couldn't get anything to open. Besides, the room was incredibly hot due to A/C malfunction. I waited until the pretty girl behind the counter was free and I walked up to the counter. I really didn't want to face the guy that was working there too. He was busy checking in other customers anyway. As I walked up to the counter the young lady said, "Can I help you ma'am?" There's that most encouraging word. I drummed up my most feminine voice and told her I had left my key card in the room. She asked me what room number...I told her 106. She asked what was the last name of the person reserving the room...I told her...she gave me a new card...I thanked her and walked away...unbelievably relieved to have dodged a bullet. I was afraid that there was the possibility that this would get back to my boss, since the room was in his name with my name listed too. I will never know if that young lady believed I was really a woman or not. However, I do know that I am beginning to feel more and more comfortable as Suzi, whether I'm accepted or not.
I thanked God for the enjoyable evening and for everything he does for me so often...even when I don't realize it. When I think about it, even though I lost a lot of tools, God was taking care of me in ways I don't understand. Today, a couple of weeks back from Conroe and still basically toolless, my boss...the company owner, showed up at the job where I was scraping and sweeping the floors...a laborer's job that I almost never have to do. I was just glad to be working. He told me that by sometime Monday, he would know what the insurance company was going to do. He seemed optimistic that everything would be ok and I would soon be able to replace my tools. Knowing insurance companies, I'm not holding my breath but whatever they give me will be greatly appreciated. If they really come through, I might possibly be sitting with a new truck and a bed full of new tools. When I see that, I know I'll cry because I'm almost ready to cry just thinking about the possibility. God may be using this week to bless me. My boss recently upgraded my truck, painted the shell that covers the bed, and now there's the possibility that I will have all new tools.
SOME WEEK HUH?
There is a lesson in all this for all of us. If we place our trust in God, reject the wrong attitudes that Satan tries to force into our hearts...if we continue to love our God and offer prayers of thanksgiving...he will bless us beyond our wildest expectations. It may not come when we expect it but it will come. I see the emotional pain suffered by so many of my TG friends and I wonder how God will work everything out in their lives. The one thing I DO know is that if they will turn to him for the answers...if they will put their trust in him and his almighty power to bless according to his will, the blessings WILL come. Just one more day Lord...give me just one more day with the opportunity to thank you, praise you, and bask in your love. God Almighty is the TRUE giver of hope and change. Who will you turn to, in his stead? There is none other.
God bless you all and I want to encourage any of you that are curious about God, to ASK. God and his unconditional love is not rocket science. In fact it's so simple that most people can't see it, even though it's right in front of them. Love you all.
Suzi

An Open Letter from Joanne

2008-09-23T21:11:00.005-05:00

I recentely met Joanne in Maturetgirls...a Yahoo Group I belong to. She fully embraces her husband's TG nature and has grown to enjoy it highly. I asked her to write something to share with others that have TG partners, but do not understand, accept, or embrace their partner's nature. Life can be extremely frustrating for both the wife and the transgendered husband when there is no meeting of minds...no solid acceptance of each other, and total expression of unconditional love. Joanne, in her moment of doubt turned to God for help in making the right decisions in her relationship. As you will see, Joanne and Bobbie Anne are more in love than ever before...physically and spiritually. Enjoy...

My Journey with My Husband Bobbie Anne

Let me see, where do I start? When I met Bobbie Anne, I had no idea he was a life-long cross-dresser! He was 28, I was 20! Bob was in the Navy at the time and stationed in Key West Florida. He was a little over five-foot ten, slender, handsome, (almost cute), soft spoken,witty, and a true gentleman! We had been dating for about six months and on this particular evening, invited me out to dinner. Our favorite meal was lobster tails, filet mignon, a chilled carafe of wine on thewaterfront on Long Boat Key. We were blessed with an inordinate amount of good fortune and wonderful friends. Despite the fact we could have gone anywhere on this evening, our first choice was to have an intimate dinner at his favorite waterfront restaurant. That night after dinner we went to his place. On the way home he told me we needed to have a serious conversation. I was ecstatic! I was sure he was going to propose! We pulled into a scenic view of the beach on BigPine Key. Nope! After beating around the bush for a few minutes, he told me he had been married previously and ended badly in an ugly divorce! News to me! I couldn't help but wonder, how could this seemingly gentle, humorous, and compassionate man have been divorced,what happened? What drove his first wife to decide he was no longer the man of her dreams? That's when Bob told me about his cross-dressing! He said he had been wearing mom's clothes early in his childhood; it continued all through high school, college and off and on throughout his Navy career. Shocked? Stunned was more like it!Thankfully, I resisted the temptation to react immediately. We just sat there in silence, watching the moon settle over to the westwithout saying much more and absolutely nothing about his cross-dressing. The drive back to Key West was tension filled and Icouldn't help but feel like my world had come crashing down. Crap! We kissed goodnight at my door and I went to bed. To say the rest of my night was sleepless is putting it mildly. I tossed and turned, flipped, and twisted my way until dawn. It was time to get up, eat breakfast, and go to work. I thought I'd never get my mind working well enough to concentrate on my work so I left, feeling sick to my stomach. I thought a little shopping therapy would work wonders so I found the nearest Macy's and just wandered from department to department. It was funny in a way; shopping for my own clothes, intimate wear and shoes took on new significance. I kept thinking, if I buy this or that, will Bob want to wear them? Will he see me the same way in a Teddi, stockings, and heels or does he see himself in them? Holy Cow! That night, he called and wanted me to come over to talk. I declined the invitation but told Bob I just needed time to consider what he had told me! I professed my love for him but I just had to have time to myself to think things through. I went through more sleepless nights than I can count. It was more worry and emotional distress about what was happening to our lives. I felt depressed, lethargic, and angry. That night I prayed for unconditional acceptance of Bob and his cross-dressing. In the morning, I stopped by my church, went to the sanctuary for some peace and quiet so I could concentrate on my prayers for him. Do I accept Bob or reject him? Is my love really as unconditional as I had often thought it would be? If I accept Bob, will my choice put me in constant conflict with his need to express his feminine personality? Is his struggle unique? Is it impossible for me to work through and accept him (and her)? Am I just feeling threatened, jealous? Talk about a challenge! This was not going to be easy no matter what decision I made about our relationship. I was furious that this was happening to me! It took months for me to realize this wasn't about me at all! This was and had been Bob's struggle for his entire life! It hit me like a bombshell! How could this gentle, considerate, and compassionate man struggle all these years with a secret for which he would be condemned by all our friends and the rest of society? I realized Bob had to carry this load of pain with him for a lifetime until finally the dressing up in secret and deceit took its toll. He couldn't bear to keep it from me any longer. I figured he must love me more than life itself to trust me with such an awful secret. He's gone to immense lengths to keep it bottled up inside. It was then that God's answer was clear as a bell. Do not condemn the man you love unless you're willing to accept someone else' condemnation! That evening, I called Bob, told him how Ifelt. I loved him unconditionally. We could work this out and I can accept this gentle and caring man for who and what he is! Talk about relief of immense proportions! I suppose I could have spent weeks and months wringing my hands in angst, trying to analyze this situation to death but that would have accomplished nothing other than cause mor eanguish and self doubt. We had talked about his history of cross-dressing for a while when he just blurted out: "Would you like to see Bobbie Anne?" I just let out a nervous giggle and said sure! Now you talk about nervous! A week later, when I felt secure enough in my own femininity I told him it was time to show me what he (she) was made of! Bob made a five-star dinner of Grouper, served with a beautiful bottle white wine. I got a case of the giggles when I told him he needed to change into something more comfortable! I`ll be back." In anticipation of what was to come, I waited twenty excruciating minutes, wondering what he would look like. Finally, he came down the hall wearing a beautiful pin-stripe navy blue jacket dress, pastel print scarf, suntan stockings, black patent three-inch open-toe slings, beautiful makeup and a short collar length light brown wig! Hewas gorgeous! I was paralyzed! I had secretly thought I would laugh when I saw him but uh uh! Here was the man I love dressed like a gorgeous, conservative business woman! I was so pleased that he didn't try to make a mockery of genetic women! Instead, here he was, so incredibly beautiful and complimenting women every where by the way he was dressed! It's been 38 years of wonderful marriage. Has it been without challenges? Good grief, of course not. But we've been able to overcome them with an immense amount of love, consideration of each others feelings, warmth, humor, understanding, and comfort! We shop together for each others clothes. One of our favorite shopping things is to frequently purchase our favorite "girly" clothes and shoes online at GirdleBound.com or SuddenlyFem.com. He loves doing "girly things"with me and occasionally watch girl flicks that I like. (He loves shoot-em up westerns). Over the years I learned that Bobbie's cross-dressing has brought exhilaration into our relationship that most couples will never have. Am I turned on when I see him in a black satin long-line bra, matching garter-belt, jet-black stockings and five-inch red patent heels? Of course I am! It may seem strange to other women but I find him (her) irresistible when he's Bobbie! We frequently dress together for an evening of intimate fun. He has incredible legs that most women would kill for! His cross-dressing has brought us closer than I ever thought possible, given the circumstances. We have always had much more intimate closeness in our lives than is believable, and has bound us together in ways that others will never understand. It's a blessing for which I now thank God every day. I hope that anyone who reads this will understand that we are all different in so many respects that it's impossible to characterize any human being by gender just by their outward appearance. Bobbie made it so clear when he told me that he felt gender is in the brain and not between our legs!

Hugs and Much Love for Everyone
Joanne Marie Mason

MY "GIRL'S NIGHT OUT" DEBUT

2008-09-06T10:26:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I ventured onto a new path in my journey. This new path was something I’ve always wanted to do, yet, was something I had mixed emotions about. I can’t say I was afraid except in the sense of being afraid of the unknown.
I realize that a large percentage of you ladies may find this somewhat mundane because you have been on many GNO’s. But, do you remember your very first? I’ve been out by myself hundreds of times and I know I blend in well. I rarely get the evil eye of “being read.” This fits my personality just fine…lol. I’ve always been an independent personality. Spending time alone does not bother me. However, after years of going out by myself I had begun to crave interaction with others like me, so, over the last year or so I’ve spent countless hours blogging, commenting, messaging, and emailing my online friends…BUT, I’ve never hugged any of you except like this ((Hugs)).
As my journey through my new self-realization has continued, and since my wife has so wonderfully accepted and embraced Suzi, I find myself more able to express those pent up feminine emotions that I kept duct taped to the back of the closet for so long. It soon became a goal of mine to find someone like me that I could meet with in person…someone that I could do simple things with like shopping, or just sitting around talking…you know…a real friend, but a transgendered friend…someone with the same type of journey on which our parallel paths changed enough to eventually cross.
Thanks to URNA, I found my friend Lindsay. She lives fairly close to me and we email each other often. Over the last year our friendship has grown and we’ve gotten to know each other well. Back in March I had the opportunity to meet Lindsay while dressed as Suzi. We met at a McDonalds because it was convenient. We weren’t there to eat…just interact. You have to realize this was the very first time I ever talked with anyone, except my wife, while dressed as Suzi. I mean really talked…not just casual interaction like with a salesperson or something. I knew that from that point on, I would be stepping outside my box more and more. I never really knew how far outside that box I would go though, until my first GNO. J
After several postponements, Lindsay and I were finally able to settle on August 29 and 30. I know…that’s what I was thinking…why in AUGUST?...lol. Well, you have to realize that Lindsay had not been out in about 7 months and you know what that means. It’s like when your female cat goes into heat and you don’t want to let her out of the house…lol. You don’t want to but you HAVE to or she’ll drive you nuts till you do.
Friday afternoon we met and I loaded what I thought was too much luggage and junk into the back seat of Lindsay’s pickup. Well, I thought it was too much till I saw what she was taking! Good grief! My first thought was that I was about to go to Dallas with Imelda Marcos or Jackie O. Next time we go out I won’t be so tight with my wardrobe. After fighting Dallas traffic and locating our motel, we called up Rebecca White, a TS friend of Lindsay’s in the area. We decided to go to Chilli’s for dinner since it was getting somewhat late. I asked Lindsay how dressy we were supposed to be. She said she was wearing a skirt, blouse, and heels. I’m thinking wow…when I go to Chilli’s I usually wear my work clothes and a ball cap…lol. Well, Lindsay and Rebecca got all dolled up but I just wore some black slacks and a pretty red top. I attached my dark red nails and off we went.
Like I said before, this is a totally new path for me…to walk into Chilli’s with two other tall, slightly overdressed ladies. I could not help but try to see what kind of reaction we caused. Before we were seated, I saw a couple of teenyboppers kinda looking with curiosity and smiling but that was all. I could not catch anyone else “reading” us the rest of the time we were there. Now…I’m not so naïve’ that I think we passed totally. Nope. BUT!!! What really floored me was how totally uninterested everyone seemed. As usual the wait staff was professional and doing everything they could to drum up a good tip. Not ONCE during the three meals we ate out together, did I notice an attitude problem with any of the staff…or with the customers for that matter.
After leaving Chilli’s, Rebecca took us to a club/bar called “Buddies.” There were two sections…Buddies I, and Buddies II. The parking lot was full of punk looking kids playing “grabass,” smoking, etc. I soon figured out this was not the best side of town…lol. Rebecca reassured us we would be fine so in we went. We entered, paid the cover and were given tickets for a drawing. The tickets were ones given to the guys…so, I guess we were made the instant we came in. Actually, Rebecca goes there often enough that they know she’s TS…so that may have been why. It was so dark, I don’t know how they could have told…lol. We made our way through the smoky room, the pounding music, the girl shadow image on the screen, the onlookers who were just wishing we would get out of their way as we walked past on our way back to Buddies II. Rebecca pointed out an employee she had befriended, named Josh. Josh is a F to M TS. If you did not know that, there is no way you could tell…right down to the facial hair and walk. I never heard him speak. We drank a Margarita and decided to go outside by the pool so we could talk without the loud music. After another Margarita and a long chat, we parted ways and went to the motel for some shuteye. Again, I do NOT go to bars…lol. This was way out of my box. Yet, I have to say it was not a bad thing for me. I was able to be Suzi in an environment where there were lots of people. Everyone was doing their own thing and nobody could care less about us being there. I did get a couple of stares from a couple of guys…stares that never met my eyes…stares at my big boobs I think…lol.
Now it’s Saturday morning…about 7am…and I’m getting hungry. So…about 10:30 we meet up at Denny’s for breakfast…lol. I’m starved by then. Today we are dressed very casually for shopping stamina. I wore the thinnest, lightest, white cotton top I own to allow for maximum cooling in the Dallas heat. We didn’t really have any plans so we eventually went to Sam Moon’s to check out the accessories. Now, when I say accessories, I don’t mean like two aisles at Wal-Mart or something. I’m talking 20,000 square feet or so of millions of accessories. I was shocked when I walked in. I’ve never seen so much estrogen in one store in my life! There must have been 500 women in there and the place was “abuzz.” I told Lindsay and Rebecca that it kinda reminded me of what you see when you kick the top off of a fire-ant mound…lol. Eventually I bought some earrings and a necklace…a necklace that needs a two inch extension just to reach around my fat neck.
After leaving Sam Moon’s we went to Irving Mall in, you guessed it, Irving…a western suburb of Dallas. We didn’t find anything exciting to do there so we just went to the food court, got some sodas, and sat at a table and yakked till we started getting hemorrhoids from the steel seats. We decided to go back to the motel and take a nap before our next outing.
Well, our next outing was to be a really dressy one. Lindsay wanted us to go out in dresses so I agreed. We were going to eat dinner at Olive Garden…one of my favorite places. Again…normally, when I go to Olive Garden, I’m wearing blue jeans, t-shirt, and ball cap…lol. The only time I see dresses in Olive Garden is when it’s prom season and the high school kids take their dates out for dinner in beautiful gowns. SO…I knew we would not exactly be going out to eat without being “read.” In fact, I’m sure everyone that saw us probably knew we were not GG ladies…I guess. I just felt way overdressed and I almost felt like I was an exhibitionist…lol. I’m the last person that would do that on purpose. Well, we had an excellent waiter and he was totally professional. If he knew, it did not show. He took good care of us in every way so I gave him a good tip. I kinda watched for reactions from the other people in the restaurant, but once again I was blown away by the total lack of interest. I couldn’t help but start wondering if we really were passing ok. The booth was in a tiny room. If you’ve ever been to Olive Garden you know they are laid out in rooms that are cozy and only have a few tables or booths in them. Well, once I got over seeing my “box” wayyyy over there…I settled down and just enjoyed being outside my box for a change…lol. The waiter told us we could sit and chat as long as we wanted because the room was closed, as they were beginning to wind down for the evening. We chatted awhile, then went outside in the balmy, cool breeze on a warm Dallas night. Rebecca took a couple of pics of Lindsay and me before we parted. We arrived back at the motel room and I could feel the withdrawals already beginning to get to me. If I was feeling them, I figured it was much worse for Lindsay, as she doesn’t get out very often.
Sunday morning I grudgingly climbed back into my jeans, t-shirt, New Balance hiking shoes, and my cap. I was ready to go about 8:45am but it took Lindsay about another hour to pack all her stuff…lol. What a packrat! After checking out, we went across town to a Golden Corral for a breakfast buffet. After breakfast we went next door and browsed through Frye’s Electronics store. Lindsay had never been to one before. If you’ve never been to one…go. The trip home was just like the trip FROM home, except that we were happy and sad at the same time.
Yes, I spent two days totally out of my element and my “box” was not even in sight much of the time. At times I had uneasy feelings. At times I was a little scared to go do what we had planned. I’m glad Rebecca and Lindsay were with me…otherwise, I probably would have chickened out on most of what we did. This trip taught me quite a few lessons.
If you’ve never been on a GNO I highly recommend it. It will strengthen you in many ways. It will make it easier for you to get out of that box and try something new. I’m a shy person for the most part. But, by the end of my two days out with my TG friends I learned to be me more than ever…and just not worry so much about what others are thinking. I’m not saying I don’t still care…or that I just won’t bother trying to pass anymore. I’m just saying that if I can do it…you can do it…and I guarantee you will have a blast. I know that many of you are old hands at what I have just described. You already know what I’m talking about. I know that some of you have never been out in public before. For me, there’s no greater feeling of freedom than for another facet of Suzi to shine to the world successfully. My GNO weekend carved several new facets on the Suzi diamond. The diamond is still rough, but I’m getting the hang of how to cut those facets…slowly, yes.
I now have two TG friends that I have established a permanent bond with because I’ve been able to HUG them. Not with letters in a blog like this though. I actually got to reach around them and physically squeeze them…a much nicer HUG, I must say.
The main thing I want to pass on to others with this blog is that being TG is a wonderful thing…at least for me. My life is more enriched every time I interact with the rest of the world. Yours can be too. That interaction will force feminine character traits out of you that you never knew you had. After my weekend, I just feel different some how…more confident, more settled in who I am. I strongly encourage each of you…no matter how many times you’ve been out, to interact with those around you. Give of yourself in some way. Spread your kindness, your concern, your generosity, and your love to those you do NOT know. If they know you are TG, you will be planting seeds of acceptance for yourself and so many others to come. I’m sure we are not a dying breed. Learn to use your feminine character to make this world a better place. Many women take their natural characteristics for granted and so they lie dormant. We long to express our femininity so when the opportunities arrive, try to share that femininity with the world.

Introduction to a transgendered man

2008-08-10T14:21:00.000-05:00

I'm Suzi...or Suzanne. I'm a 50+ transgendered male, married 32 years to the love of my life. I would like to use this blog, as much as possible, to help others like myself to understand what being TG means...at least as I presently understand it. I understand that virtually every TG male has an eerily familiar and parallel story to tell. Virtually all of us began our journeys as young boys when we discovered the joy of being a girl. Most of us are not gay and most have gone on to marry and have children. This is what causes so much frustration with so many TG men and their families. As we learn about the female part of our heart, we begin to feel guilt and try to cover up those feminine thoughts. Most of us have purged our female lives from our regular lives...more than once, but always to no avail. Many may still be struggling with guilt for various reasons. I have a special place in my heart for those ladies, and I want to help you shed that guilt as soon as possible to you can move on and be true to yourselves. I welcome anyone to post and if you like what you see, spread the word to others so we can get views from everyone. For anyone that is interested I also have a 360 site where you can go to get to know me better. That 360 addy is: http://360.yahoo.com/suzicute_texas I hope to hear from you soon.